Making It a Win-Win with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)


Making It a Win-Win:



        Hello. I’m Laurie and I’m glad you’re reading this post. I like to encourage parents who have foster and adopted children or children with behavioral issues. Please read some of my other posts.

My last post was about RAD and a simple twist of fate. You’ll have to read it to appreciate the encouraging content. Take a second and check it out.

Today I am going to share on a topic which I have discovered in some of my Life Coaching sessions. I call it a win-win scenario and it seems to be helpful. I hope it will be helpful to you in your journey with RAD.


What Do I Mean by Win-Win?

        I need to lay a foundation first before any understanding of the win-win model will make sense. Every RAD adopted child I have had the honor of Life Coaching has an incredible need to make life a win for themselves and a loss for everyone else. In general, but not in every situation, the win-win model should be the model of choice. There are some situations where this is not feasible.

I use this model to remind RAD children of how it was a win-lose for them when their birth parents gave them away. Meaning, it is a win for their birth parent because they are too selfish (drug addiction, don’t want to be bothered with children, etc.) to parent them and they just wanted to be free of parental responsibility. So, that makes it a loss for their child who now has to be put up for adoption.

Adopted children seem to have a common attitude of self-pity. Justifiably so in some areas. I understand the deep wounding connected to the loss of family relationships and not being loved. But, self-pity is only helpful for a short period of time and then it becomes a deterrent rather than benefit to their state in life.

The problem is RAD adopted children like to milk self-pity for all it’s worth. Their self-pity drives them to always win and make it a loss for everyone else. This doesn’t go over very well for the other person and the RAD child then is usually friendless.

RAD adopted children have a hard time putting themselves in another’s shoes because of their desire for pity and the win-lose model. To make it a win-win is foreign to them because they think others are already winning. They can’t get away from believing they lost out on everything.


Sharing About the Win-Win Way of Life with the RAD Adopted Child:

In my Life Coaching sessions I explain to them they received the win-lose model when their birth parents gave them away. It was a win for their birth parents and a loss for them. We talk about how that made them feel to be on the lose end of the relationship. It touches the deepest part of their feelings because it is where their wounding started – causing great damage to their heart.

I gently bring to their attention they are being like their birth parents by always making win-lose model situations in their relationships. This helps them take a second look at the intentions of their heart. Sometimes it triggers a motivation to change their approach to a win-win model.

Some RAD children still “don’t care” and that tells me they are agreeing with some very serious lies and vows. This “don’t care” is pretty accurate evidence of a severely broken heart. I then proceed with some interesting questions about their heart which they probably wouldn’t have allowed beforehand. If they allow, I then minister to their broken heart which is so wonderfully powerful.



        I would love to have a conversation about this subject. So, please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. If you would like my help via. a Life Coaching session – I can be reached at It would be my pleasure to help in this way!

Well, that’s all for today. Have a great week! Until next week…