Adoption RAD and Dividing What is Yours or Theirs:

Adoption RAD and Dividing What is Yours or Theirs:


Laurie here to encourage you and talk about adoption RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. I started this blog because I felt so alone through my journey with adoption RAD and I don’t want you to have to do the same! I’ve written many posts on this subject. Please have a look.

My last post was titled, “Adoption RAD and Kingdom Perspectives.” Please check it out. It was about two Kingdom tools we are finding effective to heal some RAD issues.

Today I am going to talk about learning to divide what belongs to who. Then everyone can be responsible for themselves. This helps bring the stress level down in the middle of conflicts.


Parents – What Belongs to You?

I lead an adoptive parent’s support group and we were just saying we need to separate what belongs to us and what belongs to our children. In the daily chaos of adoption RAD issues, it is easy to listen to the constant assault of blaming which comes from an adopted or RAD child and take it in as truth, guilt or shame.

They seem to have the ability to pour the guilt and shame on with no conscience of it being a truth or a lie. It’s simply just what is coming off the tip of their tongues at the time. This comes from tree of the symptoms of RAD which are: (Two of the symptoms are found in Dr. Kecks book titled “Adopting the Hurt Child”)

1) They have no conscience

2) Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)

3) Narcissism (it is always everyone else’s fault)

Even if these symptoms are true, we as parents do need to own up to the issues in our own lives. The sooner the better. Then when our adopted children pile on the blame – we can separate what is ours and what is simply all their symptoms in action.

In 1 John 1:9 it says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” This means we confess and repent. Then we give Jesus His justice for what He did on the cross to cleanse it all away. We can rejoice because we are clean and the issue is over. We don’t have to carry it into the daily chaos of adoptive life and it can’t be added to what our children are saying to impart guilt and shame.

With the line of delineation securely in place we can see clearly to address the barrage coming against us and know the presenting issue fully lies on our adopted children when we address it. Dividing what is ours and what is theirs helps clear some of the chaos to focus on the issues at hand.


What Belongs to Them?

Here is a list:

1)  All of the symptoms on the RAD symptom list (a couple of posts back I included the full RAD symptom list from Dr. Keck’s book. Please have a look)

2)  Anything the birth parents negatively caused by giving them up for adoption

3)  Their inability to bond to you

4)  When they keep you at arm’s length

5)  Sabotaging your attempts to bond to them

6)  The way they twist things around to make it you or someone else’s fault when it’s clearly theirs.

7)  Attempts at getting you and your spouse divorced

8)  When they question if your motives are right towards them.

9)  Their drama issues which are projected onto you as your fault

10)              When everything is the adopted mother’s fault



I can say this worked for me and brought such clarity to my parenting. Deleting the option of our adopted children’s guilting and shaming helped me make choices for their sakes only. This promotes good parenting.

If you have a comment please leave it in the box below. I would love to converse with you. I will be back next week with another post. Nice sharing with you…