Adoptive Mothers – Take Your Place:

Take Your Place in Your Home

Intro:

         Hello there. I’m Laurie the creator of this blog. It is my pleasure to write posts to encourage parents of children who have behavioral, foster and adoption issues.

My last post was about support groups and the effect they can have on you and your family. Please take a moment to check it out. It may apply to something you are currently going through.

Today I am going to talk about adoptive mothers and your position in your home. Your adopted or foster RAD child may want you out of the house or divorced from your husband. But, you are the stabilizing portion of the household. Don’t let your adopted RAD child redefine who you are or the role you’re to play in your home and in their lives.

 

Mothers – What are You Entitled To?

  1. You are the mother whether your child acknowledges it or not.
  2. Your position is beside your husband as his wife and no child gets to decide otherwise.
  3. You are your child’s mother even if they want to be with their birth mother.
  4. Your adoption papers nullify the birth parent’s rights to influence your child in any way (unless their participation creates a good situation).
  5. Your child is in your home and get the rights and privileges you say they can have, not the other way around.
  6. You’re entitled to respect from your children.
  7. You are your husband’s partner and you decide together what will happen with your children. Your children don’t decide for you.
  8. You have the right for your husband to protect you from the disrespectful behavior of your children.
  9. Your children need to do as you ask them to do around the house because they are part of the family and need to invest in the chores, etc.

 

What is Your Place?

         Mom’s, I don’t know what is happening in your home, but if your foster or adopted child has RAD I suspect you are being treated as small and the object of their abused. They have a way of dismissing the mother’s position in the home. Some have a plan to get the parents divorced or the mother out of the house or even killed.

Narcissism is part of your child’s RAD and they have an attitude of entitlement along with control issues. They don’t care if they emotionally destroy anyone – least of all the adoptive mother. Mothers, narcissism and RAD doesn’t get to destroy you.

So, your place is the mother position and role. You and your husband are in charge of leading the children in your home. Mother’s stop feeling like you need to change your position or role in order to get your child to like or love you. Believe me they won’t respect a person who is altering themselves to get an “in” with them. Many times they will not love anyone but themselves and no one has an “in” with them. The “in” is gone because they won’t allow any bonding to them or them to you.

 

Does Your Husband Support You and Believe What You Say?

         This can be a problem because RAD children are so charming and can wrap the adoptive father around their finger. This is called triangulation. RAD adopted children have a plan to get in between the parents in order to cause division. Then they manipulate the adoptive father into not believing anything the adoptive mother says.

I have written on this particular topic before so please look back to some of my other posts. Triangulating is a common problem with RAD children and can cause the parents to divorce. It is important (mothers) to get some help if this is happening because RAD children won’t stop the triangulating till the divorce to your spouse is accomplished.

 

What To Do at This Point?

         If your husband doesn’t believe you and won’t listen to you – then start praying. Turn your husband over to the very capable hands of Father God to deal with him. God will wake your husband up so he can see your children need help. God will set up a situation where your husband can’t argue against what you are saying is happening.

 

Conclusion:

         I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a wonderful week. I’ll be here again next week. Till then…

        

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Support Groups and the Power of Prayer:

Reactive Attachment Disorder , Support

Groups and the Power of Prayer:

 

Intro:

I am Laurie and the creator of this blog. My heart’s desire is to encourage the parents of children who have behavioral, foster and adoption issues. Please read some of my posts. They have information that will be of use to you.

My last post was revelation on why we get to parent RAD children. Sometimes it is hard to understand why we were chosen to steward such a difficult disorder. My post is encouraging so please take a moment to check it out.

Today I am going to share on some very good things which have come out of the support groups I have been leading. It is all good information. By the way – if you’re not part of a support group I encourage you to find one.

 

Support Groups:

I wrote on support groups a while ago. I also gave information on how to start one in your area. If there isn’t one in your area maybe it is because you are the one to start and lead one.

In my support groups we have created an atmosphere conducive to transparency about what is happening in our lives. This has set us up for success in several ways. We are free to dump our feelings. We accept prayer because we are desperate for answers. We believe we don’t carry the power to cause things to change but know God does. (Only God reserves that right.)

Our support groups also provide reprieve from the loneliness of a society who does not understanding RAD. We believe normal parenting skills don’t work on RAD children and we share what does works. We laugh at the ridiculous tactics of our RAD children. Then we all go home very much lighter and more informed than we came.

 

Then there is Prayer:

We are discovering the power of prayer when it comes to parenting RAD children. Here are some of the answers to prayer we have experienced so far:

  1. Husbands (adoptive fathers) are learning to protect their wives
  2. Husbands (adoptive fathers) are learning to take their place as head of the home
  3. Husbands (adoptive fathers) are requiring their RAD children to respect and apologize to their adoptive mothers for their abusive behaviors
  4. There have been healing in the adopted RAD children’s hearts
  5. Some adopted RAD children are breaking their vows of not bonding or letting anyone bond to them
  6. One RAD daughter is coming out of her narcissism
  7. We are becoming prayer warriors on behalf of our families
  8. One RAD child has allowed God to heal her broken heart
  9. Some of our children are learning to trust
  10. The parents are healing and learning to trust God

 

Power of Prayer:

         I write about all of the above to show the power of prayer. Scripture says where two of three are gathered in God’s name – God is in the midst of them. So, God has been in the midst of us and we are having a great time sharing, praying, being friends, and have each other’s back.

So, please find and join a support group. The benefits outweigh the trouble of getting a sitter and pre-making supper, etc. Knowing you have friends who are going through the same things and aren’t judging you is worth it.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, that is all for now. I hope this post was helpful and encouraging. Hope you have a great week. I will be back here next week with another post. Have a blessed week! Until next time…

Why Me and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder)?

Why Me?

 

Info:

         I am Laurie and the creator of this blog. I’m glad you are reading this post and I encourage you to read some of my other posts. They will be a help if you have a child with behavioral, foster or adoption issues.

My last post was on the subject of delusions of grandeur. I shared on our two daughters and their delusions and fantasy life. Please check it out.

Today I am going to talk on a subject that is near and dear to every foster or adoptive parent who’s child is RAD. I hope you will be encouraged. At least that was my intention as I wrote this post.

 

The Why Me Factor:

         RAD is a very difficult disorder. It is a 24/7 life of RAD symptoms which are right in a parent’s face and can drain parental energy quickly. Right now you’re probably shaking your head yes.

So, it is probably not surprising if I were to say you have had thoughts like “Why was I chosen to deal with a child that has RAD and literally hates me?” Every parent I have talked to who is a parent of a RAD child has said and thought the same thing. Plus, when their symptoms are chronic and you are tired – it is easy to question why you are in this situation.

 

Be Real:

         If there is a parent out there who has a RAD adopted child and hasn’t said the why me – have you thought it? I wouldn’t admit it for a long time until I was weary of the RAD symptoms. Reality was right in my face.

I would encourage you to find someone who can listen when you get to those places of needing to dump your feelings. There are not very many people out there who are good at listening but there are some listeners who also don’t judge. Unload your cares and worries to them and they won’t need to fix you.

 

Reality of Life:

There was a time when I couldn’t bear the thought of my child not bonding to anyone. I would grieve over the idea of them not experiencing love or giving love because of their inability to bond. But the older I get and the longer I have experienced RAD – I realize they will survive.

Their life won’t be as rich as if they could bond but they will live and survive. They will get up every morning and make it through the day (over and over). They may lose many friends but they do make new friends. Their friendships are shallow and brief but they are existing and can function to a certain level.

 

My point is:

What I want for them is only wearing me out. Life should wear them out because maybe then they will choose to do something about it. When life doesn’t go their way it is because they are being stubbornly narcissistic. Life should wear them out whenever narcissism is in play.

 

 

Conclusion:

         Counselors say the earlier the RAD intervention the better. If your child is older (teen on) it takes intensive intervention and the Lord’s power to heal them. But, if they don’t accept help and healing they still are capable of surviving. Maybe a very shallow life but it is still life.

I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com I would love to be of help to you. We are seeing healing in some areas of RAD. It is wonderful to see the changes and healing.

Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. I would love to hear from you. Until next time…

Delusions of Grandeur and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – What?

Delusions of Grandeur:

 

Intro:

Hi everyone – I am glad you are reading my post! For those who have just joined us – I am Laurie and I created this post for the parents of children with behavioral, foster and adoption issues. I’m sure you will find the information in my posts helpful. Please take a moment to read some.

My last post was about how God plays a role in our healing. It relates to the three posts right before my last post. Please take a little time to check them out. I included a chart for your information.

Today I am going to talk about delusions of grandeur and how this issue can have a connection in the more severe cases of RAD. Please find the definition of delusions of grandeur below. I hope you will gain some insight into your RAD child.

 

Definition of Delusions of Grandeur: (taken from The Free Dictionary app.)

Delusions of Grandeur – a delusion (common in paranoia) that you are much greater and more powerful and influential than you really are.

 

How Can This Apply to RAD?

         As the definition above states – it is common in paranoia. I am a Life Coach and not a psychologist so what I have to say is my own opinion. But, RAD children spend a great deal of time in a fantasy world which they sometimes believe more than reality.

My second adopted daughter (who has a low IQ) believes to this day she will get into the police force and then graduate to FBI agent. Also, as a child (she is an adult now) she was sure her birth mom and eighteen brothers and sisters (she only has one sister) wanted her home in her native country. Then she decided to kill me or get me out of the house so her birth mom could come here to marry my husband. If that didn’t work she was going to kill me so she could marry my husband.

Along with the above fantasies – she was sure everyone adored her and she was on her way to being a rock star. At school – all the kids didn’t like her. She was deemed the bully of the classroom.

My first adopted daughter wanted my husband to herself so she tried to get my husband and I divorced. She acted so sweet and kind to me in public and when my husband was around. But, as soon as my husband left our house or was out of town – all hell broke loose. She would lie and played weak and helpless when I told him the truth. One day my husband happened to walk in of one of her rages and that was the end of her delusion. Therapy came next and all her plans of causing us to divorce came to an abrupt end.

 

My Point:

         These RAD adopted or foster children many times have delusions of grandeur and put all their efforts into making them come true. Both my girls did not think rationally. They both thought we stole them from their country. They had no proof except what they thought their delusions told them. We had the adoption decree proof but they were sure their delusions were correct and we were lying.

 

How We Handled Their Delusions:

         It is like talking to deaf ears with RAD children. My husband and I worked with our daughters on many issues – to no avail. So, we decided we were going to let life tell them the truth.

Our second adopted daughter is still in her delusion of being a FBI agent. It won’t happened and we feel life will have to teach her the truth. Telling her differently just makes her angry and then she punishes us. We will just wait till the truth dawns on her and be there for her when reality kicks in.

Life taught our first adopted daughter a life lesson a while ago when her delusion of living alone with her adoptive father (my husband) and causing us to divorce didn’t happen. She of course was in a rage and had to deal with reality. Her delusion and the attached punishment didn’t work.

 

Conclusion:

I am not saying this is the way you should handle your children with delusions. It is just what worked for us. We just let life teach the lesson and it brought our first adopted daughter to the truth. We are still waiting for the truth to dawn on our second adopted daughter.

Many times life lessons can be a friend to a person who lives in delusions of grandeur. The exception is if their delusion puts them in danger. Then of course intervention is crucial.

Hope this was helpful. I’ll be here again next week with another post. Talk with you then…

What Does the Trinity Have to do With Healing Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

What Does the Trinity Have to Do With Healing

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

 

Intro:

         I’m Laurie and the creator of this blog. It is my desire to help parents out there in the midst of behavior, foster and adoption issues with your children. Please take a moment to read some of my posts.

My last three posts were on healing RAD and DID. The root causes of these two disorders are fear, terror, vows and who sits on the throne of their heart, etc. Please check out what I said.

Today I am going to revisit a topic of some previous posts I wrote at the conception of this blog. It has to do with the Trinity Window chart below. Please have a look.

 

What Does The Trinity Provide to Meet our Needs?

 

Trinity Window:

 

                                   Our Soul Needs

Relationship                                                           Trinity

Father —————— Care (provision) ————– Father God

Condition (protection)

Character (identity)

Siblings/friends ——–Companionship ————— Jesus

Communication

Mother —————– Comfort ———————– Holy Spirit

Coach (teach)

Cultivate (nurture)

 

On the left side of the chart above is our family and friends and the relationship we have with them. If our earthly father didn’t provide, protect or speak positive identity to us – we get wounded in our soul. It is the connection to the Trinity person on the right side of the Trinity chart that heals our soul having to do with the person on the left side of the chart.

On the right side of the chart above it shows Father God meets the soul needs having to do with provision, protection and speaking identity to us. Jesus meets the needs of our soul for companionship and communication. Holy Spirit meets the needs of our soul which is comfort, teaching and nurturing. If we receive continual healing from the Trinity for all the wounds the person on the left side of the chart caused us – we can achieve full healing.

 

Adopted RAD Children:

When we think of an infant orphan, the two people on the chart above who play the biggest roles initially are the mother and farther. The mother is the very first person the orphan misses because of being physically connected to her in the womb for nine months. Yet it is the father who typically provides, protects and (if he has had a good father figure in his life) speaks identity to his child.

 

Father and Father God Focus:

Please look at the father and Father God section of the chart above. When wounding happens from the father – the child doesn’t feel safe. The biological father in an adoption situation doesn’t provide or protect the child. This sends a very strong negative message and wounding to the child. What the father provides according to the chart above is all about creating a place for the child to be free to grow and become who God created them to be in SAFETY.

Father God created adoption and we are adopted into His family. He has no problem accomplishing all His functions (and more) from the chart above. He can heal all the fear and terror created by the unstable beginnings created by the birth parents. If the biological father failed to come through for the orphan – Father God can step in to heal the breech.

 

Mother and Holy Spirit Thoughts:

An infant also needs what the mother and Holy Spirit provide which is comfort, teaching, and nurturing. The provision of these soul needs are necessary. But at the very first moment the birth parents give the baby up – the baby knows. Then fear and terror set in.

 

Then What?

Fear and terror are directly connected to the lack of protection and provision causing the child to doubt their safety. RAD is the result of these tiny beings (even at a day old) feeling unsafe and vowing to not attach to anyone or let anyone attach to them. There is great wounding to their soul.

It is the Trinity who heals the wounds and vows an orphan experiences so RAD isn’t necessary anymore. Father God plays His very large role of safety. Holy Spirit heals with comfort, nurturing and teaching. Jesus heals an orphan with companionship and communication.

 

Conclusion:

         If your child isn’t attaching to you or won’t allow you to attach to them – please get them some help. Find someone who know how to treat RAD. Not all counselors, therapists or psychologists do. Don’t waste money on those who don’t.

If you want my help you can reach me at Laurie@getrealliving.com Contact me and we can set up an appointment. I would love to help.

Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. I would love to hear from you. I will be back again next week with another post. Until then…

Fear, Terror, DID, and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Part Three:

Part Three:

 

Intro:

         Hi there. The posts for this blog are for parents of children with behavioral, foster, and adoption issues. I have traveled down a very long road and this blog is my expression of what I have learned along the way.

My last two posts are the first two posts of this three part series.  Please take a moment to read them because they will exponentially help you understand this post. We are having some success with the children we are life coaching who have the disorders in the title above.

Today I am going to talk about the root problems concerning RAD and DID as they pertain to foster and adoption issues. What I have to say about the issues in the title above may apply to other disorders too. I just know we are having some results with the foster and adopted children I have been life coaching.

 

Living Shattered:

         If I were to boil RAD and DID down to the beginning – fear, terror and vows started it all. I now believe there is more. I feel these children believe they have taken God off His throne in heaven (God doesn’t get off His throne for anybody) and “in their minds” have taken His place. (Narcissism) This refers to a post I wrote a while ago about the orphan psalm (Psalm 10) in the bible. They also won’t allow Jesus to have the throne in their hearts. They are narcissistically “in their minds” sitting on both thrones.

With DID – the defender many times chooses not to expose themselves. But as soon as the defender senses there is a threat – they take over to defend the other shattered parts. With RAD and DID – fear and terror caused them to shatter and make vows because it was the only way they knew how to deal with life at the time… But God is their answer.

 

Living Whole:

         Father God doesn’t want anyone to be fearful or in terror. In Psalm 10 God says He is the orphan’s defender. So, if an orphan has taken “his” place on God’s throne and have created their own defender – then God is not allowed (by the orphan) to be and do what He does best. The results: the orphan stays in a shattered and lonely RAD state.

Healing happens when the orphan can allow God to defend, heal, protect, provide and impart His identity into them much like God did with several people in the Bible. This is what the Bible calls reconciliation. If the orphan relinquishes both thrones and accepts God’s defense, then God can release them from their vows and put their shattered hearts back together. The orphan is then able to receive love and give love back. This is the true healing of RAD and DID.

 

Getting Help:

         If you would like help with what I have written on please contact me at Laurie@getrealliving.com  We can set up an appointment. God wants to heal your child and your family. I would love to assist in this healing process.

 

Conclusion:

         Well that is all for today. This is the third and last post on this subject. There will be a new subject for you to read about in next weeks post.

Please leave a comment in the comment section. Have a blessed week. Until next time…

Fear, Terror, DID, and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Part Two:

Part Two:

 

Intro:

Hello everyone. I have created this blog to encourage all the parents out there who have children with behavioral, foster and adoption issues. If you would scroll through my list of posts you will see most of them are on these topics. Please take a moment to read some.

My last post was part one of this three part series of posts. I talked about fear, terror, DID and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It would be to your benefit to read my last post before continuing with this one because it has information which will help in understanding this post.

Today I am going to give some more information about how shattering happens. A while ago I wrote a post on trauma which goes along with this series of posts. You may want to take a look at that post also.

 

When DID (Shattering) Happens to an Orphan?

         I have shared several times about the vow(s) which an orphan makes when they discover their birth mother has given them away. The orphan at this point is left in fear and terror because the only person they know (their birth mother) is gone.

It is fear and terror that shatters a heart and causes DID. So, when an orphan suddenly loses the person who is supposed to nurture, comfort and teach them – they wonder who is going to take care of and love them. Terror does it’s cruel work and their heart shatters. The strongest shattered piece (which I call the defender) takes it’s place as the protector of all the shattered pieces.

 

Spirit, Soul and Body:

         Every person has three sections to their being called spirit, soul and body. When we talk about the shattered heart I am referring to the soul. The soul is the mind, will and emotions.

When I say shattered heart I am really saying a person’s soul is broken into pieces. I feel many RAD adopted children are DID. Their hearts have been shattered because of the trauma experiences they have lived through and didn’t know how to handle. The only solution they knew of in order to survive the trauma was shattering. Then their defender part decided to protect all the other shattered parts because no one else was there to protect them. This is tragic.

I’m sure you understand that the body is just the body. But the spirit is the part that connects to the Trinity very readily. It is awake all the time even when our body and soul are asleep at night. It is the portion of our three part being that is spiritual and communes with the Trinity. It is also the part of our being which is to be in charge but in submission and led by the Holy Spirit.

 

Before Our Spirit Is In Charge:

         We live in a society where our souls are developed before our spirit is developed. Our spirit can be developed first but most people don’t know how this is accomplished. (This idea will be a topic of a future post) For this post we need to understand the soul is in charge when we are born.

         Let’s try to imagine being an infant and our birth mom gave us away and disappeared. The rejection, abandonment, and loss would be great. At this time our spirit wouldn’t know what to do because it is not in charge or trained to be in the lead under the leadership of Holy Spirit.

An infant isn’t able to ask questions to find out how to locate their mother. It is at this point of confusion and probably terror that our adopted children not only decided to be RAD but possibly were shattered (DID).

The defender then decides to be in charge. Then the defender makes their own rules and defends with all their might. This leaves the orphan in a constant place of shattering. They live life alone because of the RAD vows they enforce and the defender who is in charge.

 

Conclusion:

         Please come back next week to read the third and final post of this series of posts. I would love hear your comments. Please leave it in the comment section of this post. Have a great week. Until next time…

        

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