RAD is a Simple Twist of Fate?

RAD is a Simple Twist of Fate?

(RAD= Reactive Attachment Disorder):

  

Intro:

        Hello again. I can’t believe another week has passed. I’m Laurie and I want this post to encourage adoptive and foster families. I want to help these families heal.

My last post was about knowing who you are when your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children charm and engage others against you through lying. This is so difficult to navigate through. Please check out my last post.

Today I am going to talk about a simple twist of fate as it applies in a couple ways to RAD. I am a firm believer that fate has a much deeper meaning than most people believe. I believe fate is a precursor to destiny.

 

What Does Fate Have To Do With RAD?

If you are an adoptive parent you probably already know you have the children you were supposed to have. Maybe you don’t know this. Maybe things are very difficult right now and you are wondering if you have what your adopted children need to make it to their adulthood? Either way is fate involved?

I am a believer in Psalm 139:13-16 “For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.”

I know when my husband and I were going through the toughest time with our two adopted children – I questioned why we adopted. I asked myself if I had what they needed to help them mature into adults. I completely understand when adoptive parents begin to question their parental abilities. It takes so much more inner strength to parent an adopted RAD child compared to parenting a biological child to adulthood. I can say this because we parented both.

According to the scripture in the above paragraph God already planned for you to adopt and have the children you have – along with all the challenges. It is all written in His book about your life (see scripture above). So, with that out of the way then the questions to pose to yourself or to God would be:

  1. What was the purpose of adopting these particular children?
  2. How does this connect to my destiny?”

 

I’m Glad You Asked: (lol)

        Sometimes we forget who is really in charge. That would be God. God gives us problems we are to figure out. When we get in difficult situations in our life it is always to learn about ourselves, others and God. Our difficulties cause us to search out the solution. Then we can help others with the same problem.

Through figuring all this out – we get the honor of fulfilling our book and therefore our destiny. I believe when we accomplish our book (destiny) we live the fullest most satisfying life we can possibly have. God plans our books according to what our own personal desires would be delighted to fulfill.

Hopefully our children will someday discover the same fate about their book (destiny). In the meanwhile – we as their parents need to grasp onto this concept so we are not so frustrated in the middle of our situations. Our fate is the destiny of our book.

 

Conclusion:

I understand this is a point of view you probably have never considered but I urge you to reconsider. What about your situation? Can you learn from and help the next person? Please take some time to think it out.

If you need help about the concept of this post I would love to help. Just leave a comment in the comment section. Thanks!

See you here again next week. God bless! Until next time…

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Knowing Who You Are When Your Adopted Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children Lie to Manipulate Others Against You:

Knowing Who You Are:

 

Intro:

Hi all. I’m Laurie and I write this blog for the sake of helping parents who have children with behavioral, foster and adoptive issues. There is a disorder connected to some adopted children called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and I have written many posts on this subject. Please check some out.

My last post was about learning to stay at peace when there are adopted RAD children in your house. I discussed many things. Please have a look at my last post.

Today I am going to discuss a very difficult topic that effects many foster and adoptive families because of the effects of RAD. It is difficult because these RAD adopted children are so free to charm others and lie about their adoptive families.

 

RAD Symptoms:

I have written a few posts listing the RAD symptoms. I will put a link right here for you to check one out. Two of the RAD symptoms are being charming and engaging with others, and lying. These two symptoms can cause the adoptive family much harm if the adoptive parents don’t know who they are and what RAD is about.

Charming and engaging:

These adopted RAD children have mastered the ability of getting their needs met. Many times they do this by emotionally manipulating or “pulling the heart strings” of those around them. This is where the charming and engaging behaviors are found. They want people to feel sorry for them so therefore deceive others into seeing their adoptive parents as ogres who are controlling them.

If you are reading this post and you are an adoptive parent – I encourage you to purposefully understand who you are because these children will do whatever it takes to try and ruin your reputation and take your identity. If your adopted child has the diagnosis of RAD then you may need to consider letting the administration of their school know. Educate them on the symptoms of RAD.

Lying:

RAD children have no qualms with lying to get what they want. Some of them are pathological liars for the sake of delighting themselves. I have seen them say their adoptive parents are molesting or abusing them or aren’t feeding them or providing for them to get a chuckle at the drama they cause.

Now there are some cases where the adoptive parents are doing these things but there are some cases where RAD is the culprit and the adoptive parents are brought up on charges. Again, educate your RAD child’s teachers and school authorities about RAD.

 

My Point:

        It is also important to educate yourself about RAD before you adopt if that is where you are at in the adoption process. If you are farther along then please know who you are because RAD children can make you look very bad in your circle of influence and friends. Their charming and lying behaviors can change other’s opinion of you bringing much heart ache and pain to you and your family. You have get to know who you are and how you are going to act in order to move forward if RAD troubles happen to you. It will save you so much grief!

 

Conclusion:

Getting to know who you are includes allowing the Trinity’s opinion to dominate your understanding of your character. God’s opinion of you is the loving truth. Only you (if you have a good opinion of yourself) and God get to decide you’re identity and character. God will always lovingly call the good out of you. So should you. Your RAD child or society don’t get to vote on the subject.

I will be here again next week. Blessings to you and yours! Until then…

Can There Be Peace With Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children?

Can There Be Any Peace with RAD Children?

 

Intro:

Hello everyone. I am the creator of this blog and my name is Laurie. I love encouraging parents who have children with behavioral, foster and adopted children. You’ll find many of my posts are on these topics.

My last post was on the subject of adoptive fathers and adoption support groups. It is interesting how men chose to get out of meetings. So, if that is happening with you and your husband, please take a moment to read my last post.

Today I am going to talk on the subject of peace in the home when there are children with behavioral, foster, adoption or RAD issues. Peace can be hard to find in these situations. So, what can we do about it?

 

Children Who Live Outside Of Peace:

        The children with these issues are never peaceful inside. They also seem to take it upon themselves to make sure the whole house is in chaos. If there isn’t chaos in the home then they create it in order to make the atmosphere outside their bodies in as much of a jumble as their insides.

In doing this they cause everyone who live with them to feel chaos too. I’m sure there are times when adoptive mothers feel a sense of relief when their children start back to school after a long summer of constant chaos. I don’t blame you and encourage you to not feel guilty for having these feelings. I’m pretty sure every mother with children who have behavioral and adoption RAD problems feel the same way.

With that all said, let’s unpack some things. Do we have to live outside of peace when we are parenting these children? Is peace attainable? If it is -how do we get it?

 

How Do We Find Peace?

        If you have read any of my posts I’m sure you see that I am a Christian and approach things from a Christian vantage point. Also, this is my post and I am allowed to say what I want to say from the point of freedom of speech. So, here is my take on peace and living with these challenging children.

If you have a child who has behavioral or RAD behaviors then I’m sure you understand that peace isn’t part of their being because of the trauma, pain and rejection they have experienced. So, expecting them to be peaceful without their hearts being healed is not a reasonable expectation. They want chaos because it feels familiar to them.

If these children are set on chaos then it will be in the atmosphere of the home. They do all they can to stir everyone up. Then the only time the atmosphere of the home may feel peaceful is when they go to bed at night.

So, what is left that can be peaceful? Well, the answer to that is your inner being. The way I found any constant peace was inside myself. I found it with the help of spending time praying, meditating and getting to know the Trinity. The Trinity is Father God, Jesus (Father God’s Son) and the Holy Spirit which the Holy Bible teaches about.

When I spend time with them they help me know who I am, who they are and who they are for me. It puts everything into perspective and alignment. I am then peaceful inside instead of the chaos around me dominating who I am and robbing me of peace.

While developing my inner peace I journaled about everything and got to know who I was and what I was going to allow into the space inside me where peace and the Jesus reside. This peace can be found by anyone if they decide to let the Trinity into their lives and accept Jesus into their heart.

 

Conclusion:

        If you want to let the Trinity into your life – I would love to help you with this. Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. I would love to help.

Enough for today. I will be back again next week. Until then…

Men and Adoption Support Groups

Men and Adoption Support Groups

 

Intro:

Hi. I am Laurie – the creator of this blog. I love to write on all topics of adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Many of the issues I write on have to do with foster children too. Please read some of my posts.

My last post was on adoptive mothers simplifying their lives in three areas. Sometimes it is a matter of giving ourselves permission to simplify. Please check out this post for helpful ideas.

Today I am going to talk about men and adoptive support groups. This is a very tricky topic. So, read further for a laugh or two and some encouragement.

 

Do You Have a Support Group?

        If you are an adoptive family and have a RAD child – I highly recommend attending a parental adoption support group. I lead two groups and we have so much fun being together and sharing. It would be to your benefit to find support and comradery from others who are going through the same situations you find you’re facing. It is soothing to the soul.

 

Where are the Men?

It is harder to get adoptive fathers to support group meetings. In my situation it is due to one of my groups meeting in the morning. Since most men work – it is hard for them to attend.

But, my other support group meets in the evening and the wives say their husbands are watching the children so they can come. This is a very generous thing to do!! But the men are not finding comradery or help in the area of fathering an RAD adopted child.

 

Ways Around the Problem:

        If there is food – the men will come. Men vote with their stomachs and feet. My husband and I just hosted a dinner at our house cordially inviting the men and women from both of my support groups. I shared my heart in the area of wanting to get to know them and what the women and I have discovered about ourselves and our children. I also shared what I have been discovering about healing RAD.

We had such a great time together and the men especially enjoyed the food. A couple men asked questions about my husband’s and my journey with RAD and the process of healing RAD. My husband shared his perspective of being the adoptive father and what that entailed when our children acted out their RAD and abused me. It was enlightening for the men in particular because the women already shared their points of view in our previous meetings.

The subject came up about having the men attend a quarterly evening meeting which would include food. Most of the men seemed agreeable. I feel it is unreasonable to expect the men to share feelings but when a man (my husband) can share and be real and a bit emotional about what has happened in our home – the other men took notice.

 

Boiling It Down:

1)  Have the men attend the meeting quarterly if they haven’t been coming regularly

2)  Have food (quickest way to a man’s heart)

3)  Include dessert (it’s all about the food)

4)  Have a man share his journey

5)  Allow the men to ask questions

6)  Laugh together about how RAD is so messed up

7)  Accept each other where we are at

 

Conclusion:

        Well, this is all I have to say on this topic. I hope it was helpful especially if you are starting or going to start a support group. I know we thoroughly enjoyed each other while building friendships over food and a common problem.

Please leave a comment in the comment section of this blog. Have a good week and God bless. See you here next week. Until then…

Adoptive Mother’s – Simplify

Simplify

Intro:

Hello everyone. I’m here with another perspective about adoptive mothers and the expectations we put on this role as it pertains to an adoptive or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) child. I have many posts in this blog which are on this subject. Please take some time to read some.

My last three posts were about discovering the personality of our adopted RAD child. I gave traits and blind spots of seven personality possibilities which your child may have. Your child could have a combination of a couple of the personality traits. Please check my last three posts to find out your child’s personality.

Today I am going to talk about what adoptive mother’s need to do to simplify. It is a bitter sweet topic. Please read further to understand what I mean.

Three Simplifications I want to talk about today:

  1. Simplifying your schedule
  2. Simplify your expectations
  3. Simplifying your expectations of society

 

Simplifying your schedule:

        Every time summer rolls around I try to write a post on your child’s summer schedule. These RAD adopted/foster children need to expend their energy on something other than harassing and punishing the adopted mother. Let them expend their energy on a sport, art media, or job (if they are old enough), etc.

Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, need a regular break from the adopted children in order to revitalize and rest. The schedule for the adopted children can be divided up between the adopted fathers and mothers. This will simplify the adopted mother’s schedule so she can get some rest and have a break from the adopted child’s abuse.

 

Simplify Your Expectations:

        Adoptive mothers, please listen to what I’m going to say. It will save your heart much grief and heart ache… Many times an adopted RAD child can’t accept your love or give you love. They are angry their birth mom gave them away and are very hurt about it all. Because of this, they refuse to let anyone close and they won’t get close to anyone. It is the adopted mother who gets all the adopted child’s revenge against the birth mother because the adoptive mother is the closest thing to being their birth mother.

Sadly, it is hard to give up any hope our children will love us but if your child has RAD – I encourage you to give up this expectation. Even if you love harder and longer and are a saint in the patience department – they will not budge and it is not your fault. It will allow your heart to heal or save your heart much heart break if you can see your child as unable to love properly or at all.

 

Simplify expectations of Society:

Society will not understand parenting a RAD adopted child. They feel the typical parenting style works with all children. So, let go of the belief that society will understand in any dimension.

This is a topic which takes constant forgiveness from you towards society. They have never walked in our shoes and until they do – very few if any understand. Fighting this battle is fruitless. Forgiveness is a must if you don’t want to be bitter.

You’ll find the same goes for some family members. To them parenting is the right way for all children and arguing with them is fruitless. Instead, find friends who can lend a listening ear and a sensitive heart and share with them. Many times these friends can be found in adoptive support groups. An adoptive support group is a good place to be understood, vent your feelings and find comradery.

 

Conclusion:

        Hope this was helpful. It is always good to reconnect in the area of simplicity. Have a good week. Until next week…

       

 

See Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DNA Gifting – Part Three:

See Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting:

 

Intro:

Greetings! I’m Laurie and I write this post for foster and adoptive families. Many of these families are broken due to a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Please take a look at some of my posts to understand why.

My last post was the second post of this three part series of posts. I have been talking about the gifts listed in Rom. 12:6-8. I refer to them as spiritual DNA gifts and they are basically personalities. Check out my last two posts because they will help you understand this post more fully.

Today I am finishing up this series of posts and will talk about the last three DNA gifts. Then I will bring everything to a conclusion. This will hopefully give you a better picture of your adopted child’s personality even though they are acting out RAD symptoms.

 

Giver Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Values freedom and independence but doesn’t enjoy extended times of being alone
  2. Likes to stay adaptable, flexible and spontaneous. Will not commit until they have to because things may change
  3. Seeks community to create a new thing
  4. Resourceful
  5. Love the old and new
  6. Relentless and doesn’t easily take no for an answer
  7. Wants to leave a legacy
  8. Driven by preparing the way for their family and others after them
  9. Mixture of intuitive and analytical
  10. Security and safety are important
  11. Presentation is important and likes everything in its place
  12. Has favor in the marketplace – bargains, good deals or discounts
  13. Gives wisely, not impulsively
  14. Is a peacemaker
  15. Can work with people with conflicting views

Blindsopts:

  1. May see money as security causing then to be territorial with their resources. May have conflict if their family feel resources are withheld from them while spending money on other people or things
  2. Loses track of time easily
  3. They communicate with more intentionality than they realize
  4. Can be perceived as pushy, manipulative and dishonoring

 

Ruler strengths, Weakness and Blindspots:

  1. Great team leader. Inspires a group to own a problem based on loyalty
  2. Delegates to others on the team. Loves thinking through logistics
  3. Can mobilize a large group to accomplish a task. They know when to push, inspire, command and lead in situations.
  4. Natural implementer.
  5. Thrives under pressure and puts others around them under the same pressure.
  6. Is skilled in time management
  7. Interested in how – not why and is not a visionary
  8. Can do a great amount of work with resources given them
  9. Adaptable to changing circumstances and has a backup plan
  10. Values loyalty and relationship more than competence per se. Can use imperfect people and draws the best out of them without allowing their brokenness to damage the objective
  11. See no value in blaming themselves or others
  12. Does not need affirmation from others
  13. Their task-orientation can seem intense and unfeeling to others
  14. They do what is practical and expedient
  15. Has a heart for the people on their team

Blindspots:

  1. Self-reliance
  2. Struggle with focus
  3. Because they are goal-oriented they can become too focused on the task and fail to consider the feelings of those around them
  4. They may be applying pressure without moderation, causing unnecessary stress on the team members and family
  5. They may believe the end justifies the means

 

Mercy Strengths, Weaknesses and Blondspots:

  1. Loves beauty, sights, sounds, rhythm, fragrance, harmony of heaven and earth.
  2. Loves to soak in God’s presence
  3. Moves through life at a slower pace
  4. Needs time to emotionally transition from one thing or place to the next
  5. Takes God’s presence into everyday situations where the blessing of His presence can change the spiritual climate of a conversation or a room
  6. Desires intimacy in all forms. Craves heart connections in relationships. Desires hugs and physical contact. This can bring increased risk of wounding in relationships
  7. Sensitive to alignment and know when things are not in alignment
  8. Intuitively synchronizes people and things.
  9. Is a safe person to be around
  10. Has emotional radar
  11. Makes decisions based on their heart and their intuition
  12. Hears God but has difficulty explaining it to others
  13. Huge amount of friends but few very close friends
  14. Hates to confront.
  15. May appear indecisive because they don’t want to hurt somebody
  16. May have a deep strain of anger. Tends to take up an offense for a third party
  17. Can have a fierce stubborn streak when they know what they want, when they want it, and how they want it.

Blindspots:

  1. May see all pain as bad. May flee from pain and keep others from discipline that is intended to build maturity
  2. Can be a people-pleaser and enabler
  3. May do whatever is necessary to make people around them happy with them. May be willing to live with holy and unholy without calling people to do what is right
  4. May attract abuse and exploitation because of their kindness, niceness, and willingness to allow injustice to happen
  5. Desire for intimacy and physical touch may lead to impurity

 

Conclusion:

        For the sake of our children’s destiny – it is important to look beyond RAD, foster, adoption, and behavioral issues to their personality. They have one or a combination of these seven gifts written in ROM. 12:6-8. It is a matter of looking for the diamonds in their make up amongst the dirt that is showing (RAD symptoms). Please take some time and go through these three posts to find your child’s personality and while you are there – find yours too. It will help everyone in the family understand each other better.

See you here again next week. God bless your week. Until next time…

Seeing Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DMA Gifting – Part Two

Seeing Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting

 

Intro:

Hi there! I write this blog because I like helping adoptive and foster families. My posts are intended to encourage and give real life examples of life with orphaned children. Please have a look at some of my posts.

My last post was about what is expressed in the title above and I shared about the prophetic gifts found in Rom. 12:6-8. I gave several personality traits that go along with this gift. Please check it out.

Today I am going to continue with the second, third and fourth gifts and the personality traits that go with them. The purpose is for you to see if your adopted or foster child has one or a combination of one or two of these gifts which make up their personality.

The second, third and fourth gifts are servant, teacher and exhorter (in that order). I will give strengths and weaknesses for each gift. Each gift also has blind spots.

 

Servant Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Wants to make people feel welcomed
  2. Sees external needs and wants to meet them and has a hard time saying no to helping others
  3. Are very practical
  4. Loves to be life-giving to others
  5. Wants to be behind the scenes and not in the spotlight
  6. Wants to be part of the team and is extremely loyal
  7. Wants clear instructions
  8. Remembers likes and dislikes of others
  9. Will do what others won’t step up to do
  10. Wants short term not open ended projects
  11. Attracts dishonor and shame especially from family
  12. Is competitive

Blindspots:

  1. Struggles to affirm themselves or receive affirmation from others. Repeatedly apologizes
  2. Makes excuses to justify bad behavior from others. Can be enablers. They spoil children by meeting too many needs.
  3. Struggles with shame and can believe they are a victim.
  4. Can become exhausted by meeting the needs of others.

 

Teacher Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Has a passion for truth. Needs to validate facts for themselves
  2. Wants first hand details
  3. Enjoys learning new things and sharing it with others
  4. Prefers old, established and validated ways
  5. Has a deep commitment to family and tradition
  6. Always is wary of deception. New truth is viewed initially with suspicion
  7. Processes slowly and avoids risk
  8. Tends to procrastinate in certain areas of their life
  9. Usually the last one to speak in a group
  10. Sense of humor and quick-witted
  11. Slows down impulsive people who jump to conclusions. Is not easily swayed from the truth
  12. Asks lots of questions, trying to establish the truth
  13. Doesn’t like to impose responsibility onto others which can lead to not confronting sin

Blindspot:

  1. The need to analyze and the endless questions can be tiresome and wearisome to others. They can feel not trusted
  2. Passion for knowledge and sharing knowledge can come across as intellectual superiority
  3. May seem passive because they give chance after chance
  4. Struggles with timeliness and responsibility in selective areas

 

Exhorter Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. People oriented and has never met a stranger
  2. Get their energy from being with others
  3. Has a God given ability to love people
  4. Brings laughter into all situations
  5. Tactful and has dreams and vision on a big scale
  6. Excellent public speaker and uses stories to communicate to others – which is how they share wisdom
  7. Natural at evangelism
  8. Networks and teams with others well
  9. Is able to disagree without alienating others. Skilled at reconciliation
  10. Able to speak to people in a gracious way to bring them along
  11. Motivated by relationship, persuasion and approval of people
  12. Their schedule is full and has a commanding presence
  13. Can be perceived by others as being superficial or compensating because of their humor and ability to work the room
  14. The depth and wisdom in them is not always appreciated due to their light-heartedness

Blindsopts:

  1. Lacks discipline of time
  2. People pleasing and accommodating. May fail to confront because they don’t want to cause offense.
  3. May promise more than they intended
  4. Because of their big personality they can easily become the focus of attention

Conclusion:

        Come back next week for the last three spiritual DNA gifts. Ill wrap everything up having to do with this series of posts. Until then…

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