Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering – Part Three:

Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering:

 Intro:

Hi there. I am back again with a post on the effects of adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). If you have an adopted child – chances are they may have some level of RAD. I have written many posts on the subject. Please check them out.

In my last two posts I’ve talked about RAD, DID and integration. The definitions for these words are below. Please read the definitions and my last two posts so you will be up to date on where I am going with this post.

Today I am going to specifically talk about adopted children and the trauma they go through. Trauma is what causes DID and it wouldn’t surprise me if most adopted RAD children are what I call “shattered” or DID. This post is the last post of this series.

 

RAD, DID and Integration Definitions:

 1)  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – When the birth mother gives her child up for adoption the child suddenly loses the only person they know for safety, comfort, and providing for their needs. Suddenly what was familiar is gone and at this point (even at days old) the child can make a vow in their heart that causes RAD. Usually the vow goes something like, “I will never let anyone close enough to me or my heart to hurt me like that ever again”, or “I will never attach to any one and I won’t let them attach to me.” The child precedes to live their life holding everyone at arm’s length – refusing to bond for attachment. This is the cause of RAD. It is a decision made by the adopted child.

2)  Shattering – Yes I am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because of trauma a person’s heart can “shatter” inside and have more than one part. More crudely put – their personality separates. It is still their personality only “shattered” into parts. Originally the person was one personality but because of the intensity of an event(s) the person didn’t stay present (or facing the event) and allowed another “part” of them self to come forward to face the trauma.

3)  Integration – When the parts are put back together again.

 

         The last two posts were for laying a foundation of understanding for DID shattering and integration. Now I’m going to apply it to adopted children with RAD. Many times they go together.

What adopted child didn’t grieve when their birth mother gave them up? If we think about the nine months they were in the birth mother’s womb – it was the child’s only universe. Her voice, movement, touch and smell was the only life they knew. Then it’s all gone. TERROR, ANGER, and bewilderment wouldn’t even begin to express what they were going through. This is trauma.

 

Two Parts: (or More)

If you are reading this post then you probably have an adopted child or an adopted RAD child and have seen the difference of how they act in public and how they act at home. Maybe they act differently at home because of two different people or shattered parts inside. For an adopted child I understand this is the results of RAD and a narcissistic personality but it also COULD be two parts in two different situations – public and home. Either way it is the results of trying to self-protect.

It is my understanding: When a person has parts they can switch -sometimes quickly – depending on which part wants to be the forward position at the time. What I mean by forward position: They seem to have a stage and one presenting part is on the stage at a time. According  to what is happening – a presenting part is on stage or in the forward position.

I believe an adopted RAD child shifts from part to part according to what they can handle or need at the moment. If they won’t let anyone close to emotionally attach – then they are living life alone and are the one who is providing for all they need. I think they shift from part to part to accomplish meeting their every need. Charming everyone and manipulating others feelings is shifting from part to part. Trauma has taught them every skill they need to achieve what they want.

People who are shattered may have many parts and can switch quickly. If there isn’t a part that wants to be on the stage they will keep switching until a part can be found who will face what is happening or has the skill to get what they want.

All of our adopted children have lived through some very traumatic events and I don’t believe shattering is too far a stretch to consider. What part is possibly in the forward position in your child? Do you think your child is shattered? Are they manipulating and shifting to get what they want? I can help.

 

Conclusion:

A child or baby can only face what they are able to at the moment. Most adopted children need healing. If you would like some help or need to talk please leave a comment in the box below. OR – I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Contact me and we can set up an appointment or have a phone conversation. I would love to help. Until next time…

[LB1]

RAD and Three Human Lies – Part Three

Three Human Lies:

 Intro:

         This is Laurie and I write this blog to help foster and adoptive families navigate through adoption and RAD issues. RAD represents Reactive Attachment Disorder. As soon as the birth mother gives a child up the child can develop this disorder. Most of my posts relate to this disorder – please check them out.

         As you can see – this post is part three to this series of posts on Three Human Lies. It will help you understand this post if you would take a minuet and read parts one and two. Parts one and two were about the first and second of the three human lies.

Today I’m going to discuss the third lie and then bring this series of posts to a close. The third lie is “everyone has to treat me right.” I will list the three lies below for your convenience.

 

The Three Human Lies:

  1. I have to do everything right (two posts ago)
  2. God has to make everything go right for me (last post)
  3. Everyone has to treat me right

 

Everyone Has to Treat Me Right:

Typically a RAD adoptee is also narcissistic and enjoy charming and emotionally manipulating those around them. They get mad if someone isn’t manipulated or resists their “pulling of their heart strings.” It is “of course” always the other persons fault in a conflict according to the adoptee. (NOT!) But, that is the MO of a narcissistic RAD child.

These lies are basic human lies and I will venture to guess – you may identify with one or all of these lies. I know I did. I also know there is freedom when these lies are healed and put to rest.

I have written a two part series of posts called “Four Traps and Your RAD Adopted Child.” We all can fall into these traps. Please have a look at these previous posts. It explains why we need everyone to treat us right and why we have to do everything right.

If you have an adopted or adopted RAD child you can probably see this lie in them by their actions and verbiage. One of the symptoms of RAD is difficulty with friends because they live in self-pity and want everyone to feel sorry for them. Therefore, everyone has to treat them right. They feel life has especially dealt them a raw deal.

(Below is the list of two of the four traps from my previousposts on “Four Traps and Your RAD Adopted Child”)

 

Two of the four traps are:

  1. The approval trap – I need everyone to approve of me and treat me right.
  2. The performance trap – I have to do things right (This is the first lie listed above which I talked about two posts ago – please check it out)

 

How Do We Get Free From This Third Lie That Everyone Has to Treat Me Right:

The basis of this lie is founded on pride and is the results of living in a narcissistic society. It includes needing to feel legitimately significant to the human race which is innate and never a bad thing to want. The delineating line is between the state of self-effort vs. the state of being.

 

State of Self-effort:

In the state of self-effort, trying to make others behave towards us or anyone else correctly is impossible. Although, it is very healthy to put boundaries around yourself if someone abusing you. For most to all other cases – we ourselves don’t have the power to cause any other person to have 100% perfect behavior and responses. Can you say you can towards anyone else?

I’m not saying I have this down myself. While I’m writing this I can think of a relationship I have which I need to forgive and release them from my expectations. They don’t have the ability to be perfect all the time.

This leads me to my next point. Part of this third lie is simple forgiveness and accepting each other in our shortcomings and faults. We are not perfect and neither is anyone else. No one will ever treat us perfectly right and to expect them to is ridiculous. The same goes for ourselves. We are not perfect and no matter how hard we try – we will fail someone.

 

State of Being:

When God created the world He did all he was going to do in the first six days. The seventh day he rested with the creation He created. So, Adam and Eve were just in a “state of being with God” on the seventh day. This is what I’m talking about. Jesus came and met all the requirements on the cross. This put us back into the relationship Adam and Eve had with God when scripture says God walked with them in the cool of the day.

Building a relationship with God will help to bring an understanding of already being accepted which is a state of being. This is where you are fully loved and treated right by God. Expecting to be treated right by mankind is futile and will never ever happen.

 

Conclusion:

So, if you find you’re stuck in any or all of these lies or your RAD child is – please let me help you. You can contact me at Laurie@getrealliving.com My name is Laurie if you want a life coaching session and someone will help you set it up. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…

Adoption, RAD and Soul Response Mechanisms – Part Two

Negative Soul Response Mechanisms:

 Intro:

         Hi all. I’m Laurie and I created this post to help the foster and adoptive families who have RAD adopted children. RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder. I have written many posts on the subject and encourage you to check them out.

My Last post was part one in this series of posts about Soul Response Mechanisms. Please take a look at part one because it will help you understand the definitions of the mechanisms. It will also help you understand where I’m going with this post.

Today I am going to talk about how I have seen the Lord heal these soul response mechanisms. Like I said in my last post – some of the mechanisms can be positive or negative, some are only negative and all can be generational curses. I just know the Lord is in the business of healing and He includes healing negative soul response mechanisms.

 

List of Soul Response Mechanisms: (Please look at my last post for the definitions)

  1. Triggers
  2. Devices
  3. Labels
  4. Scars
  5. Chains
  6. Yokes
  7. Mantles
  8. Imprints
  9. Title

 

Negative vs. Positive Soul Response Mechanisms:

I am only going to focus on healing the NEGATIVE soul response mechanisms in this post. They are the result of a relationship wound caused by someone in the person’s lifetime or passed down as a generational curse. Generational curses are the result of verbal cursing and/or un-repented sin.

If a person experiences positive verbal blessing and sin is repented for – the opposite happens and a positive response mechanism forms. The results is a generational blessing. This is the heart of the Trinity – for all of us to be bless so we can fulfill our destinies. The Bible gave many examples of positive verbal blessings and repenting of sin which resulted in positive triggers, devices, labels, scars, chains (positive bonding to God in relationship), yokes (to the Trinity as our teacher), mantles, imprints and titles.

 

Examples of Healings of Negative Soul Response Mechanism:

  1. Trigger – God has taken the negative triggers off so their soul would not react any more.
  2. Scar – God has healed the wound, removed the infection and sometimes removed the scare.
  3. Imprint – God has removed the negative imprint and put His own loving imprint instead.
  4. Devices – God has detached the negative device and they were free to have a positive device. (Example: A tendency towards being joyful)
  5. Labels – the sign was removed from their neck and the Lord gave them a new name.
  6. Chains – were removed and they were positively connected to the Trinity in a healthy relationship.
  7. Yoke – the yoke of slavery was removed and they were positively yoked to Jesus as their friend and teacher.
  8. Mantles – generational mantle curses were renounced and removed and God gave them a new positive mantle of identity.
  9. Titles – the curse of a generational title was renounced and God gave them a new title.

 

Conclusion:

          Positivity is part of God’s Kingdom. God will always bring us into a new beginning and perspective of understanding. We just have to stop thinking He is the one to blame. Satan – from the Garden of Eden to now – has deceived mankind into thinking God is holding out when the exact opposite is true. God is always for us. He is our provider, protector and gives identity. Satan is in the wrong so don’t be fooled and fall for his tricks.

Please think about what I have said in these two posts and go for the positive and your healing. If you related to any of these negative soul response mechanisms please give me a call. I would love to help you. My name is Laurie and I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Tell the secretary you want a session with me and she will help you.

Thanks for listening. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…

Body Soul and Spirit

RAD and Your Body Soul and Spirit Wounds:

We finished my last blog talking about the trinity window. See below:

(Note: When I refer to the soul needs, please understand I am talking about body, soul and spirit needs.)

 

                                                   Trinity Window

 

                                             Body,  Soul & Spirit Needs

Relationship                                                                                       Trinity

Father —————–Care (provision) ———–Father God      

                                                     Condition (protection)

                                                     Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends ——– Companionship ————Jesus

                                                    Communication

Mother —————Comfort ——————-Holy Spirit

                                                   Coach (teach)

                                                   Cultivate (nurture)

 

If the soul needs don’t get met by the relationships we have when we are growing up, then the trinity wants to heal us of our soul wounds. Each of the trinity are responsible for each category of soul needs. They can intentionally further your growth or heal any stunted maturity resulting from a lack or wound left by your friends or family.

 

So how does this happen?

Most of us are aware of five our senses we use to connect and learn from our surroundings. These senses are taste, touch, smell, hear and sight. As Jonathan Welton points out in his book “School of the Seer,” we actually have fifteen senses. Our body, soul and spirit each have their own five senses. (By the way I highly recommend this book!)

Jonathan talks about “flipping the switch” in reference to stepping into the ability of “Seeing In the Spirit.” Let me break this down a bit. In the Old Testament there were two categories of the prophetic – Prophet and Seer. The Prophet spoke what was on the heart of Father God. The Seer saw visions and dreams that expressed the heart of Father God. In the New Testament, there is no distinction between the Prophet and Seer gifting.

 

Seer Gifting

The way the trinity chooses to communicate to us is through our spiritual senses. We use our own spirit– with the guidance of the Holy Spirit–to taste, touch, smell, hear and see the Trinity. Scripture says “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” This “taste” occurs in the spirit realm because we can’t literally taste God. At this point, I would like to delve into the Seer gifting and talk about how it applies to our process of healing.

God is still the imaginative God He was in the beginning when He created all of the earth and the heavens. He wants to communicate to us in the most creative ways and the venue He chooses to use is our senses.

This applies to the trinity window above in that we get the PRIVILEDGE of experiencing Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit in a very intimate (meaning a close relationship and not a perverted one), loving and healing way through our senses.

If you have accepted Jesus into your heart as Lord and Savior then you also have the Holy Spirit there to help you, too. Remember, Holy Spirit is personally here to teach, comfort and nurture you. You were also born with an imagination but when you receive Jesus and therefore the Holy Spirit, then they help you use your imagination in a PURE way. The results is a relationship connection with the trinity to receive healing to your body, soul, and spirit. So, this separates your imagination from fantasy imagination (an unrealistic and improbable act of supposing) so a pure Holy Spirit led imagination can happen.

 

The Trinity speaks to us in this pure imagination to bring several things:

 

  • Healing and freedom
  • Close relationship to the Trinity
  • Wisdom
  • Revelation
  • Adventure
  • Truth
  • Understanding
  • Knowledge
  • Counsel
  • Strength
  • Peace
  • Life
  • Faith
  • Grace
  • And much more

 

So How Does All This Happen?

Just like developing any other gift, skill or ability this takes intentional practice!! Begin by asking the Holy Spirit to help you focus. Holy Spirit is our teacher and is very powerful, purposeful, and patient. He wants you to have a relationship with the Trinity more than you can imagine. He is there to help you in this journey of experiencing the Trinity through your five spiritual senses. There is a whole realm to explore and experience that you maybe haven’t even thought of until this point in your life.

We have to assume that if the Trinity created us for a family relationship with them – they will help us in our quest. Back to the seer book mentioned above: In this book it talks about asking God to sanctify your fifteen senses. This is an important step. You must ask God to sanctify your fifteen senses, then ask Holy Spirit to help and guide you.

 

Every Wound has a Lie(s) Attached to it:

Now that we’ve discussed briefly how to connect with God using our fifteen senses, I’d like to talk about one of the purposes of connecting with God in this personal way. When we are wounded in our soul, those wounds attract lies and deception like a magnet. Experiencing God with our fifteen senses allows for His truth to unravel satan’s lies in an experiential and powerful way. God has every truth in His Kingdom and He loves undoing the lies and speaking the truth. His Kingdom supersedes satan’s kingdom hands down every time if we surrender to the healing hearts of the Trinity. The only kingdom that speaks lies is satan’s because scripture says he comes to steal, kill and destroy. I’m sure we all can say that the lies in our lives have destroyed many relationships.

I want to make something crystal clear: We do not war against flesh and blood, but “against principalities, powers and authorities of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”(Ephesians 6:12) Yes, the people (flesh and blood) in our lives may betray us, speak lies that cause us to not trust them and so forth. They need to take responsibility for their actions! But that is between them and God. On the other hand, we do need to recognize when a person is acting out because there is a dung hill of lies they are believing – driving them to behave differently than who God created them to be.

Satan loves to bring destruction in relationships and uses lies and wounds to do so. From this point forward, I’d encourage you to consider the hurt or betrayal in your life as vehicles that satan wants to use to bring destruction. But, as scripture says, everything that satan means for evil, God means for good. In surrendering to God’s purpose and inviting His healing into all of your relational hurt, the very thing meant to harm you will drive you to a closer walk with God. This also creates a more meaningful and authentic relationship with others.

 

Forgiveness

 This is where forgiveness comes in. When someone wounds us and it causes a lie in our sou. It is our responsibility to take care of our own lies. No one else can clean up the lies we carry. Plus, unforgiveness causes us to stay attached to the offender – holding us hostage to the wounding and keeping us from our own freedom.

When our adopted girls rejected my husband and me it inflicted soul wounds and we had to purposely forgive and let the trinity heal us. Maybe you are going through the same wounding with your adopted child? I would like to help!!

 I want to allow you to chew on the above thoughts until my next post. Please leave a comment in the box below. Talk to you next week…..