Observations

Closure

In reference to the last blog: Our first adopted child was struggling with the loss of her birth mother. My husband and I decided to make a box for her to place her birth mother’s picture, and a good-bye letter. We buried it on the edge of the woods on our property as a grasp at closure. We then held a little funeral ceremony for her to participate in so she felt connected to her birth mom to start the grieving process. She seemed pleased and sad which I felt was normal. Our hearts were all broken with her!!

Our daughter’s class at school (third grade) got her some flowers and a sympathy card for this intensely sad occasion. They seemed to really love our daughter even though she had a very hard time letting anybody close to her. She had a couple of friends but her relationships were superficial at best because of her inability to connect emotionally.

Fantasy

Fantasy can be a very deceptive practice. This is something we discovered in our relationships with both our adopted children. In this part of our story, I’m going to share how fantasy created resentment and bitterness and drove a wedge in our family relationships.

Our first adopted daughter did all the drama that any child would but as she grew she learned very quickly how to use self-pity to her own advantage. She learned to manipulating and pull the heart strings of anyone who would listen to her. She spent more and more of her time feeling sorry for herself because she felt cheated out of life.

Yes, she  deserved to have her birth mom and live in the country of her birth  What person deserves the ramifications of being adopted? Life dealt her a raw deal! But her fantasy (an unrealistic or improbable act of supposing) about how perfect a life she would have had was amazing. This unrealistic or improbable act of supposing gave her hours and hours of day-dreaming which turned into resentment and bitterness.

Her birth mom was very young, poor, and unable to support herself, let alone support a baby. Her birth mom made very immature decisions that got her into the mess she was living. As best we know, she loved her little one but gave her over to foster care so she could get her life in order. Instead, she entangled herself with a very cruel man that ended up abusing her and eventually gave her aids. Thus, the reason she put her daughter up for adoption.

Fantasy is a very fickle thing. It is intended to bring pleasure and delight but if it isn’t brought into check, it can devastate relationships and families. I believe it has destroyed many families that are desperately trying to provide a loving home for their adopted child. Both of our adopted children spent a great deal of time in the fantasy mode.

Now let’s not mix up thinking or deep thinking with fantasy. Just “thinking” is realistic and it is about true things. Our second adopted daughter got to the point that her fantasizing made her think that her birth mom was back in Thailand with her “seventeen” brother and sisters who were dying to see her. In reality, her birth mom was borderline retarded and she only had  one older sister. Even though we told our daughter the truth about her birth mom, her fantasy obsessions wouldn’t let her come to the truth.

Both our adopted daughters thought my husband and I stole them both from Thailand and their birth families. This is a prime example where fantasy is deceiving activity. It drove them to unrealistic beliefs. Then to not trusting my husband and I at all.

Conclusion

Please leave a comment and then join us back here next week. Blessings! Until then…

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