Four Traps and Your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Child Part 1



In general, I write this post for all the foster and adoptive families out there. Some of the posts include parents with children with behavioral problems too. It is my intent to help as much as I can and be a listening ear in times of parental trouble.

My last post was on ungodly soul ties and how to get rid of them. It was very informative. Please take a moment and check it out.

Today I am going to talk about the next tool of healing which is four traps. We can get stuck in these traps. So, read further and see how to get free from these four traps we unknowingly find ourselves in.


  The Four Traps of the Enemy:  

There are four traps of the enemy that can trigger when we have foster and adopted RAD child. These traps can also trigger when we are facing difficulties within any of our other relationships. The four traps were defined by the Joy Chikonowski, Pastor of Real Living Ministries and the Unleashed Healing Center where I work as a senior life coach. Please check us out at or call (330) 965-6000 to schedule a session. Mention that you have been reading my blog and you would like to make an appointment with me. My name is Laurie.

The Four traps:

1) Performance trap

2) Approval trap

3) Shame trap

4) Guilt trap  

Performance Trap:  

Performance Trap – Self-worth is established by meeting certain standards.

  1. Possible Origin – The “you” statements of your childhood becomes the “I” statements of your adulthood. Example: Your mother tells you – “You better get straight A’s or else.” In adulthood you expect to be the best at everything. When you’re not “the best” the shame and failure can feel overwhelming.
  2. Results – Fear of failure, manipulate to succeed, a spirit of control, micro-management and a religious spirit.
  3. Solution – Replace the lie of performance with the truth of grace.

Scriptures  –    Song of Solomon 1:5 – “I am dark, but lovely” and  Romans 3:19-24 – “We are justified by the grace of God.”

Outcome – Freedom from – fear of failure, taking yourself so seriously, the burden of having your own way, and learning to live by grace and with mercy for others.

 The Point – So, how does this trap specifically apply to you as a parent of an adopted (RAD) child? Do you see yourself in this trap? If you do, then the first person you should repent to would be to yourself for putting such high expectations on yourself and your parenting. You are not in this parenting portion of your life by yourself. God is there for you with grace because His Son paid for all of who you are. Jesus’ blood and His voice are speaking on your behalf because He is your advocate and has paid for all your sins. They want to help you at every turn. Your self-effort can’t even begin to be enough. The pressure of “perfect parenting” has been grasped at by millions of parents, but you can rest assured that your child will need some help overcoming the issues that you caused in their life. They will need a life coach or counselor, too. And That Is OK!! You may need to forgive the parent that expected too much out of you because the only person that had the ability to be perfect was Jesus. To say you are his equal is ludicrous. So, forgive yourself and look to God for help. Replace the lie of performance and accept the truth of grace. Your own soul will thank you and your family will be able to relax from your pressure of perfectionism on you and them. Relax and be IN God’s peace. He loves you and wants to help you with everything including your adopted (RAD) child.  

Approval Trap:  

Approval trap – Self-worth is established by gaining the approval of certain individuals.

  1. Possible origin – Ungodly soul ties. (To understand the term ungodly soul tie please check out my last two posts)
  2. Scripture – 1 Sam. 11:10-11
  3. Results – Fear of rejection: When help is considered criticism and disagreement is considered un-acceptance. Defensiveness and inability to be taught is the norm.
  4. Solution – Replace the need for approval with the truth of God’s unconditional love.

Scriptures – Romans 8:31-35 – “Who can be against us”,  Job 12:1-3 – “I am not inferior to you”, and 11 Cor. 12: 9-10 – “strong in weakness”

Outcome – Freedom from rejection and the ability to have close friendships with accountability and acceptance. The truth is no longer feared, but embraced.

   The Point: The approval trap applies to all the relationships, including our relationships with our adopted RAD children. But because the adopted RAD child has a vow in their heart to not let anyone close, you need to understand they will purposely reject you until they get healing. It is pertinent that you receive God’s approval so  when your RAD child is constantly rejecting you, you won’t take it personally or in so deeply. I understand the pain of constant rejection from an adopted (RAD) child. I needed to get to a place where I wasn’t destroyed by all the games of the RAD mind. I pray that you get to that place of understanding too. It is only found in God’s unconditional love so search it out and receive it into your heart. There is so much healing and relief when you do!!  

Next time I’ll talk about the other two traps.   Please make a comment in the box below and I’ll be talking to you next week. Until then…