RAD and Needing to Win:

RAD and Needing to Win:

 Intro:

Hello again. I hope you are all doing well! I created this blog to encourage adoptive and foster parents. All of my posts attest to it and I am passionate about helping in all the ways I am able. Please read my other posts for encouraging insights.

My last post was titled, “Do you have a child with behavioral problems? It may not be your fault.” I explained the symptoms of RAD and who caused it. Check it out.

Today I am talking about the subject of needing to win. In the business world – being competitive is necessary to make money. Otherwise why did you start your business in the first place? This is healthy competition.

It is not in your adopted RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) child’s best interest to win all the time. They don’t have cause and effect thinking so some of their choices can get them and others in danger. This the subject of discussion in this post. Winning isn’t all it appears to be to our adopted children.

 

Examples of Winning Which Cause Damage and Sometimes Danger:

Adopted RAD children vow to not allow anyone close to hurt them like their birth mother did by giving them up. They display this vow by sabotaging anyone’s attempt to bond to them – emotionally pushing them away and even at times intentionally hurting them.

Here are some examples:

1)  One of my adopted RAD children always needed to be in the front of anything happening. They wanted to be in control and in charge which wasn’t in her best interest in certain public or traveling situations. It was her way of winning over everybody. Not Good!!

2)  When our adopted children decided to not let their attitude or will be effected when privileges were taken away as a results of behavioral problems. When we took our children to therapy the therapist said RAD children will play with lint in order to win and not co-operate with safety guidelines for anything – including privileges. This got my RAD children into several dangerous situations.

3)  One of our adopted RAD children needed to be removed from our home because she was going to kill me. When we took her to the place where she was to stay she showed no remorse, or emotion for behaving inappropriately or being removed. Her intention was to “emotionally cut us out” to cause as much emotional damage to the rest of the family as possible. We were weeping. This was her way of winning.

4)  My RAD children would physically destroy anything I said I liked or said was beautiful. They had to always win by making sure I couldn’t enjoy something or be happy in any way.

5)  They didn’t like losing at any board game. To them it meant failure to the max. They got angry about their inability to control or be superior in the situation.

6)  They would not accept any help or affection because it was failing in their attempts to keep others at arm’s length. They refuse to bond to anyone who tried to get close to them. They would flair or punish so the other person would retreat. This is raw RAD.

7)  No one was allowed to emotionally out dramatize them. Their drama sometimes caused problems and sometimes dangerous situations.

8)  They would steel if someone had something they wanted. Another way to win.

9)  They would exaggerate in order to have an extreme story. This caused them to lie and misrepresent a situations which was dangerous to them and our family.

10)       One of our adopted RAD children did things on the computer which put all the family in danger.

Many of the RAD symptoms are “winning issues.” Please check out my last post for the list of RAD symptoms. Most are about winning.

 

The Point:

I could go on with examples of their need to win but I think I’ve made my point. They are desperate to be the “Alpha Dog” in situations on a daily basis. This is probably the results of feeling less than others and their way of remedying the perceived problem. Low self-esteem is enormous here.

The most helpful thing I did for this issue was to remind my adopted children how much damage they caused. I included how much they put themselves and others in danger and were not winning was a result. They don’t like the idea of others not believing they won over them! They need to see their behaviors aren’t having the effect they are intending and learn to make decisions that keep them and others safe.

Laying out the cause and effect thinking timeline sunk in some. They need to know they are the ones who caused the problem. Learning how to make decisions where cause and effect thinking is involved is important – not just winning.

 

Conclusion:

I hope this helped and solidified understanding on the issue of RAD children needing to win ALL THE TIME! Please leave a comment in the box below. See you next time…

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Five:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

This is Laurie and I created this blog for adoptive parents navigating through the difficulties of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Most of my posts are on this subject. Please check them out.

My last four posts were the first four posts in this five part series of encouragements. They were about failure, being afraid, injustice and trust. Please check them out.

Today is the fifth and final post in this series of five encouraging steps. I am using the acronym FAITH to make my points. Today is on the letter H which represents healing. I will conclude by bringing all the words in FAITH together to make the whole point of this series.

 

H for Healing:

The ultimate goal for RAD is healing. My deepest desire for RAD adoptive families is to heal from the trauma RAD creates. It is truly one of the hardest mental health disorders I have experienced. Which is why I write this blog, give encouragement and divulg all I have learned about this disorder. I want to make your journey a little easier.

So, how do we heal? How do we help our confused RAD children heal? How do we help our children break the vows which cause them to hold everyone at arm’s length – avoiding emotional pain?

A couple of friends and I have discovered a way to pray for our adopted children. The results has progressed our children in the right direction. We have also learned how to put their broken hearts back together again. (I wrote about DID a few posts beck. Check it out). We are seeing change and we are excited!! I feel we are finding some answers to RAD.

 

Recap and Bring It All Together:

So, the five words in the acronym FAITH are failure, afraid, injustice, trust and healing:

  • Failure – Our children need to fail at manipulation, and control, etc. If they fail in our homes – life doesn’t have to teach them the hard way when they are on their own. Loving them in the failure moments will speak volumes to their broken hearts. This will develop their cause and effect thinking.
  • Afraid – We are all afraid – parents and kids. God knows and wants to sooth our every concern. He needs the lead position for all involved so surrendering to his higher intelligence and power are key. He knows what to do – even giving us peace beyond measure.
  • Injustice – God hates injustice more than we do. He set things up so all in the family would get justice. Lean into His plans and reap the rewards.
  • Trust – It is the foundation for every relationship so if trust isn’t there – the relationship is wobbly. Parents, I urge you to learn the truth about your RAD adopted children together and stay on the same team. Your children need to see this to have a clue about developing relationships of their own. They also need to see they aren’t able to divide the two of you or disrupt the family.
  • Healing – God is the healing answer and He can lead you to the place where your family can heal. Don’t lose heart. Look to God for your answers.

If we bring all of the words in the acronym together we find five steps of daily encouragement. I understand faith is very hard to hold on to in the middle of RAD issues but remind yourself there is a greater power than you possess.

My answer for you in your journey through the difficulties of adoption and RAD issues is FAITH in God almighty. He is the Father of Jesus Christ of Nazareth and He has all the answers if we would just ask and listen.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, this wraps up another series of posts. I will be back next week with a new topic to talk about. Please leave me a comment so we can convers about what is on your heart. Until then…

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Four:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

Hello again. This blog is to support adoptive parents as they are navigating through adoption, foster and RAD issues with their children. Please look at previous posts because they will be helpful too.

My last three posts were the first three posts of this five part series. Please check them out to have a better understanding of this post. They were on failure, being afraid and injustice.

Today is the fourth post in this five part series of encouraging steps. I am using the acronym FAITH. So, today’s letter is T for Truth.

 

T for TRUTH:

If you have a RAD adopted child I’m sure you know they do not tell the truth. They have probably broken trust with you many times and you’re justifiably finding it hard to trust them. I know this is very hard.

When we took our two adopted girls to intensive therapy we were at a point of such discouragement in many areas including in the area of trust. My husband and I understood trust was the very foundation to any relationship. But these two beautiful girls did not desire to build a trusting relationship with anyone.

It caused my husband and I to question everything they said and did (rightly so). In therapy we found out they were trying to get us divorced and they wanted me out of the house or dead. It was very hard for us to wrap our minds around what they intended to do.

 

Trusting Your Spouse:

         It has been my experience that many times RAD adopted children love to play the deception game. For example – they treat the adoptive mom beautifully in front of the adoptive father BUT when he isn’t around they mentally and emotionally abuse the adoptive mother.

Dad’s please believe your wife if she is telling you they treat her abusively when you’re gone. Somewhere in your heart – believe the first love of your life and give her the benefit of a doubt. Partner with your wife and plan to discover the truth.

Then act on the truth (if abuse is going on) and support your wife if there is RAD abusive. Your wife needs all the respect you can give her. She will need you to address the abusive behaviors of your RAD adoptive children.

There is a high percentage of divorces in RAD adoptive families for exactly the reason in the above paragraphs. Mainly this and many other reasons. So, choose to trust your spouse if these behaviors are happening.

 

Trusting Holy Spirit if Your RAD Adopted Child Isn’t Trustable:

         I have mixed feelings about trusting a RAD adopted child because of the lies they spew. I would encourage you to depend on the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and discernment in each situation. The Holy Spirit is very helpful with all aspects of parenting.

I have written a couple posts on the subject of “What power is behind you” and that power is the Holy Spirit. Please read them to help with this topic. Building a relationship with Holy Spirit has some very helpful rewards.

God created Holy Spirit to lead us into all truth. Truth always helps us live in trust. They go hand in hand. So, partnering with your spouse, following the lead of Holy Spirit and trusting God knows what He is doing with your family – will fill most of your life with the  ability to trust.

The fact that you may never be able to trust your adopted RAD child needs to be accepted. Mostly for their sakes so you can keep them safe while they are still in your home. Then, when they leave, trusting in God to keep them safe needs to be priority for your own peace of mind.

Conclusion:

         This is all for today. Please leave me a comment in the box below. I would love to converse with you! See you next week…

 

 

Adoption Parents – Developing Inner Peace – Part Five:

Developing Inner Peace – Part Five:

 Intro:

This blog is intended to help foster and adoptive families out there navigating through the difficulties of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Most of my posts are about RAD to some degree or another. Please check them out.

My last four posts were the first four letters of an acronym on PEACE. Please take a few moments to read them. They will help in understanding this post better. I am also including the opposing view of each acronym letter in order to provide a better view of God’s heart for you and your family.

Today I am sharing on the last letter E in the acronym PEACE. I hope it will be encouraging as well as enlightening. Then I will bring the five points on PEACE to a conclusion.

 

E for Empty vs. Engaged:

Dictionary meaning for empty:

  1. Having nothing inside or on the surface; holding or containing nothing.
  2. Having no occupants; not being used.
  3. Lacking force or power.
  4. Lacking purpose or substance.
  5. Needing nourishment; hungry.
  6. Devoid; destitute.

Dictionary meaning for engaged:

  1. Employed, occupied, or busy.
  2. Committed, as to a cause.
  3. Pledged to marry; betrothed: an engaged couple.
  4. Involved in conflict or battle.
  5. Partly embedded into, or attached to another part, as columns on a wall.

 

I know when I’m on empty – my peace is gone. Emptiness produces number three and number four in the above definition for empty. I’m lacking force, power, purpose and substance. BUT, God has a different point of view.

I like number one, two and five in the above definition for engage. We are to be employed, occupied, busy, committed, embedded and attached to what God wants for us and thinks about us as His children. This type of “state of being” brings the PEACE we are looking for. So, let us in return be engaged (as to a cause) with the Trinity for inner peace to reign. The results is a relationship with the Trinity. When we engaged with the Trinity – receiving relationship, revelation, direction and strategy – we find peace.

 

Pulling This Five Post Series on PEACE Together:

P = Presence of God to help us – not personal pressure to be what we aren’t able to be

E = Exclusively in Loving relationship with the trinity – not exiting our relationship with them

A = Affections of God received – not affliction from God – it’s Satan who afflicts

C = Covenant of Gods promises – not condemnation from God – Satan is the one who condemns

E = Engaged in building a relationship with the trinity for what we need – not empty with nothing to give

 

It is my desire to motivate you towards God for inner peace. The above words are more than just words. They have substance when used in the way I have suggested.

True peace is only achieved with a being BIGGER than us – and that is God. He holds our lives and times in His hands. He wants us to experience Him by allowing us to feel his presence.

He is truly an exclusive God and will not allow the first place in our hearts to be occupied by anything other than Him BECAUSE He values you greatly and gives you the same privilege in His heart. We are all equally valued – just as God values His son. We have the same inheritance as Jesus.

God wants our affection and His affection is mutually lavished on us. His intention towards us is always for our good. We easily forget it when Satan shows up to steal, kill and destroy important things in our lives. Don’t be fooled by who is doing what.

Who is the one giving covenant and who is giving condemnation? Many times we think it is God saying and doing all the negative when it doesn’t even begin to be part of His nature. Negativity is Satan’s language and kingdom – not God’s.

Finally, stay engaged in relationship with the Trinity for direction and purpose for your life. Life is too short to not walk out our destiny or live without peace. Part of your destiny is to live in peace while fulfilling what you were put on this planet to do.

 

Your RAD Child:

Yes, your RAD adopted child can affect your peace – but there is plenty of peace the Trinity can continually supply to you. It’s ok to keep asking for more peace. God is not stingy with what He possesses.

 

Conclusion:

So, live in the peace of the Trinity by accepting their presence, being exclusively theirs, accepting and giving affection, receiving their covenant and engaging in the right Kingdom and relationship with them. This is how to live in PEACE.

         If you would like help in your search for peace – I can help you. I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Call and make an appointment.

         I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…

Adoption Parents – Developing Inner Peace – Part Four:

Developing Inner Peace – Part Four:

 Intro:

My husband and I adopted two girls from Thailand and they both were diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). So, I write this blog to encourage the families out there who are navigating through the difficulties of RAD. Most of my posts refer to this disorder and I have written several posts on this subject – please check them out.

My last post was the third post in this five post series on PEACE. I’m using an acronym to share on the important points of peace. I’m also stating the opposing point of reference to make a comparison. Please read the last three posts because they will tie into this post.

Today’s post is part four in this series of five posts. I will be sharing on covenant vs. condemnation. The main emphasis – of course – will be nurturing the development of inner peace.

 

Covenant vs. Condemnation:

The definition of covenant:

  1. A binding agreement; a compact
  2. In the Bible – a divine promise establishing or modifying God’s relationship to humanity or to a particular group.
  3. An agreement, formal, between two or more persons to do or not do something specified.
  4. A formal agreement of legal validity, esp. one under seal.
  5. To promise by covenant; pledge

 

The definition for condemnation:

  1. An expression of strong disapproval; pronouncing as wrong or morally culpable.
  2. An appeal to some supernatural power to inflict evil on someone or some group.
  3. The condition of being strongly disapproved of.
  4. (Criminal Law) A final judgement of guilty in a criminal case and the punishment that is imposed.

Since the fall in the Garden of Eden – Satan has been the culprit of condemnation. He made it his job to kill, steel and destroy as many humans and their lives as possible. He speaks condemnation where ever humankind will listen to him. We seem to take in his verbiage and make it our own. Coming into agreement with his lies and condemnation causes our lives to reflect the fruit of our acceptance.

Well, God is not like that. He likes to make covenant with humankind and in this covenant is all His promises as evidence of His good and kind nature. That is why scripture says, “It is His kindness that bring us into repentance.” (ROM.2:4)

In the definition above I like number two under the covenant definitions because it is the modification of God’s relationship with mankind I am talking about today. It was done through covenant. It was done through Jesus.

God knew man would continue sinning so He sent His son to die as the last and final irrevocable payment for sin. God chose the cross and Jesus was sacrificed as a final blood sacrifice. This restored us through an unbreakable eternal promise called covenant. God set and fulfilled the terms of covenant through Jesus’ sacrifice so man could be reconciled back to God permanently.

Through the ages mankind has made binding agreements (covenants) between two or more parties with exchanges. They exchanged vows, blood, names, clothing, weapons, wealth and covenant meals. God did the same when His son agreed to be the final blood sacrifice exchange for all mankind. He paid for everyone’s sin. He paid for all eternity. It’s over and we are the recipients of His loving covenant.

 

Peace results:

         The results of condemnation is the fruit of a wrong kingdom – Satan’s. Satan delights in inflicting self-discouragement, to self-doubt and expecting less out of life. His kingdom is full of negatives, damage and death.

God and Jesus on the other hand have done all the work because of the cross and I can’t think of another thing which brings inner PEACE than knowing we are in the hands of such a wonderful being. The final reward is knowing the PEACE and love which comes from God’s kingdom.

God please help my readers find the inner peace their hearts are searching for. Help them understand the modification of relationship you have provided – covenant. You’ve provided this modification so your inner PEACE would be available to them as a gift – wrapped in all the love you have. Bless their homes and children. Amen.

If you would like some help in the area of PEACE – I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Let them know you would like to have a session with me and they will set up an appointment for you.

 

Conclusion:

Please join me again next week for the fifth and final post in this series on PEACE. Leave a comment in the box below. I would love to hear from you! See you next week…        

Adoption Parents – Developing Inner Peace – Part Three:

Developing Inner Peace – Part Three:

 Intro:

As usual, my intention in writing this blog is to educate and encourage foster and adoptive families about the effects of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). RAD is a disorder many adoptive children have and is very difficult to navigate through. I have written many posts on the subject of RAD. Please check them out.

My last post was part two of this five part series on developing inner peace. I am using the acronym PEACE to communicate the process. I’ve included the opposite perspective to bring some depth of meaning. Please have a look at the last two posts because it will connect you to this post more effectively.

In today’s post I will continuing using the acronym of PEACE and will be talking about A for affection vs. affliction. It is my intention to encourage peace because a family with daily RAD issues needs all the peace it can find.

 

A for Affection vs. Affliction:

The definition for affection:

  1. A tender feeling toward another; fondness.
  2. A disposition to feel, do, or say; a propensity

The definition of affliction:

  1. A condition of pain, suffering, or distress. Synonym – trial.
  2. A cause of pain, suffering, or distress.
  3. Something responsible for physical or mental suffering, such as disease, grief, etc.

 

Poor God:

It seems a common belief to blame God for all the afflictions which come our way. God said, “In life there will be trouble.” But, there are many causes for troubles including:

  1. We are reaping what we are sowing
  2. Satan has come to kill, steal and destroy
  3. Generational cursing
  4. Consequences for our actions

The amazing thing is God can use and does “allow” troubles to draw us nearer to His affections. Many times we interpret this the exact opposite. We think God is inflicting.

My favorite definition (see above) for affection is number one. A tender feeling toward another; fondness. That is what God feels towards us and when we are receiving this type of affection from Him – we find PEACE. His daily loving affection will counteract the constant rejection and “denial of bonding” from our adopted RAD children. In other words – their afflictions of rejection towards us can be counteracted by God’s loving affection. Give God permission to pour His affections into you. (Remember, you didn’t create your RAD child’s inner conflict – so see it as their problem).

There are many scriptures in the Bible where God pours out His affection on our behalf. One of my personally favorite chapters in the Bible is Psalm 18. Please read it. In this chapter – God hears the call of David (Me and you if we choose to accept God’s affection) and God arises and rides the cherubim to come and rescue His beloved. He wants to do the same for us and our children.

 

Our Dear RAD Children:

Our RAD children have their own affliction(s) and need God’s affections also!!! I can’t imagine the level of rejection a RAD adopted child has had to endure to survive to this point. How much effort it has taken to hold everyone in their life at arm’s length. How their soul has – out of sheer grit – resisted bonding or resisted letting anyone bond to them!

I pray the wall around our children’s hearts will begin to be tiresome to them. That they would decide to allow others in – close enough to love them! I pray our children will want to deal with their pain – the pain attached to their birth mother giving them away. Help them see their self-protection isn’t working for them and the need for help. God heal them!!

 

Conclusion:

Well, that is enough for today. Please leave a comment below. I’ll be here again next week – continuing this series on PEACE. Thanks for listening!

Adoption Parents – Developing Inner Peace – Part One:

Developing Inner Peace – Part One:

 Intro:

         Hi all. Laurie here to encourage all the parents of foster and adopted RAD children. RAD is Reactive Attachment Disorder and it is more common than you think. I have two adopted daughters with this disorder and have written numerous posts on the subject. Please have a look through my posts to learn more on the subject.

My last post was on prayer breakthrough with my adopted RAD daughter’s. Our prayers have started to work and my adopted daughters are doing better. You can read about it in depth in my previous post.

Today I am going to encourage the adoptive parents out there who are struggling with inner peace in a house where adopted RAD children are intentionally causing chaos. This is the first of five posts on peace in which I will use the PEACE acronym. I am also adding the opposite to what I feel the PEACE acronym represents to give a fuller perspective of God’s loving intent for you.

 

Graham Cooke:

         I couldn’t begin this post without acknowledging a man named Graham Cooke. He is a modern day prophet and writer and has made it his intention to be at peace every day. His voice is like a soothing bubble bath and I admire him for his purposeful intention to stay at peace every moment of the day. He has been very influential in my life so I’m giving honor where honor is due. (FYI, Scientists do say that 90%+ of diseases are due to stress) So, here is a man who has the market on staying peaceful in a world of stress.

If you are interested in getting any of his resources – his web site is brilliantbookhouse.com All of his resources are good but to get the full impact of his message – it’s best realized by listening to his voice. So, get his cds or dvds.

 

P for Presence vs. Personal Pressure: (The first letter of the acronym on PEACE)

Nothing prepared me for the on slot of RAD issues. The pain and difficulty of navigating through adoption and RAD issues challenged me to the core and forced me to look to  bigger and stronger beings for help – the Trinity. Therefore, I’m speaking about God’s presence vs. my personal pressure or abilities. My abilities fell very short and pressuring myself to be more than I am doesn’t work.

When we are all spent and weary, we put personal pressure on ourselves up to try harder and give more. Give more from where? Try harder with what? I’m not saying we are released from our parental responsibility, but we have to have a source we are drawing from. Where can we draw?

From my experience – I value my quiet times with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit deeply. Connection and being in their presence (and in the word) is what gives me peace. If I didn’t have them (the Trinity) I would still be hurting from the purposeful rejection my RAD girls were sending my way. I have learned – God has my time and life in His hands. In His presence is peace and comfort no other being on this earth can impart. Being in the presence of the Trinity in loving relationship is part of the answer to obtaining inner peace.

 

Connection:

So, let’s talk about the Trinity’s presence. I find it interesting that it takes connecting to the Trinity to obtain peace. I also find it interesting that an RAD person lives in chaos as a result of not connecting to anybody and they never ever seem to be at peace.

Just as a baby finds peace and rest in the arms of their mother so every human on this earth can find rest in the Trinities peaceful love and connection. This is called presence.

So, in this journey to obtain PEACE – the first step I propose is the P for presence of the Trinity on our lives. Personal pressure doesn’t fulfill what you or anyone else needs because it comes from a place of depletion of your own internal resources. Your own spirit and soul will thank you for taking this step of presence.

 

Conclusion:

         If you have any questions and/or comments please leave them in the box below. I would love to hear from you. Until next time…

Previous Older Entries