RAD and Three Human Lies – Part Two

 Human Lie number Two:      

 Intro:

Hello there. I am Laurie and the point of my blog is to help foster and adoptive families out there that have RAD adopted children. RAD is a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is difficult to navigate through. I have written many posts on this disorder. Please check them out.

This series is about three human lies and I am focusing on the RAD adopted child and their belief about these lies. My last post was the first post of this series of three posts. Please take a minuet to read it. It is about the first lie of having to do everything right.

Today I’m continuing with the second lie as it relates to an adopted RAD child. Adoptees have a tendency to believe all three of these lies. Most everyone else believes one or more of them too. I will list the three lies again below to refresh your memory.

 

The Three Human Lies:

  1. I have to do everything right
  2. God has to make everything go right for me
  3. Everyone has to treat me right

 

Lie Number Two – God Has to Make Everything Go Right For Me:

  1. There are several directions I could go with this lie: Scripture says that God owns everything including us – we are stewards only. God is in charge and we are to participate in His vision and heart’s desire. God doesn’t have to make everything go right for me. He is the one leading – not the other way around. How do we even begin to believe we can expect God to submit to our whims and expectation? Wouldn’t that put God at our disposal instead of us at His?
  2. God uses difficulties to build our character: I have never seen God make everything go right, all the time, for anybody. He is the ultimate power of the universe – so needing Him to make everything go right for us is nowhere on His to do list. He makes the maturity process (including difficulties) go right so we become adults with wisdom in our hearts.

My pastor says there is a no in God’s yes. He says yes to who we are and our destiny but our destiny needs character building and it is the difficult things in life that build character maturity. Once we become mature – God’s yes produces the manifestation and realization of our destiny.

3. If everything went right there would be no need for God in our lives. I feel sorry for God because most of mankind won’t turn to Him unless it is the last resort. Plus, when things go wrong – God is the first person who we all accuse for holding out, not being fair, and being unkind, etc. What an entitled way to treat the creator of everything.

 

RAD Troubles With Lie Number Two:

          We live in a narcissistic society and lie number two is a symptom of such a society. On top of that – a RAD adopted child usually is narcissistic because they live in self-pity and want everyone – including God – to feel sorry for them. They charm and manipulate (narcissistic symptoms) in order to get their needs met. Although this a little understandable – self-pity and narcissism are never helpful to anyone.

Like I said above, the difficult things in life are usually the very things that God – through our maturing process – uses to develop our character and destiny. This is exactly what happens with most RAD adopted children. If only they would relent and learn what they need to learn from the difficulties – their destinies would be realized quicker. God is the one who commissions them to the next place – including into their destiny.

When a person is in their destiny – it is a place of satisfaction and delight. Destiny goes along with what a person was created by God to do on this earth. So, wanting God to fulfill lie number two and “make everything go right for me” is the total opposite direction to finding satisfaction, delight and fulfillment in living. We all need to go through this process of maturing to enter destiny.

 

Conclusion:

          So, if you or your RAD adopted child believing this lie – I can help you. I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Call and make an appointment with me. I would love to help.

Below is a comment box – please leave a comment. I want to hear from you! Until next time…

Why is the RAD Adopted Child Attracted to Witchcraft?

Attraction to Witchcraft

 Intro:

 It is my heart’s desire to help the adoptive and foster families with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children. That is what this blog is about. My aim is to talk about different topics pertaining to life as an adoptive/foster parent. I hope to make a connection to those of you out there who have adopted RAD children – who find yourselves navigating through adoption life with difficulty.

My last post was titled “Self Help for the Parent of the RAD Child.” I gave resources that will help the adoptive/foster parent heal their soul and encourage their spirit. The adopted child needs a healthy parent to depend on so they can find their healing.

Today I am going to discuss the attraction some adopted children have to witchcraft. I understand we are living in an age where there is a craving for the paranormal. But some of the reasoning and desire is different for the RAD adopted child. Please understand many children who have been wounded or traumatized by life – look to witchcraft as a means of protection and power. Trauma, rejection, and abandonment cause many emotional adverse effects to the recipient. But for the sake of this post – I am going to zero in on why the RAD adopted child specifically is attracted to witchcraft.

 

The Vow:

 In past posts I have talked about the vow the adopted RAD child makes: Their birth mom has given them away – and even as a little infant – they decide that the pain is too much to bear again. So, they vow to not allow any one near their hearts to love them. No one is allowed into their emotions to make a relational connection. They spend their life desiring love but expend tremendous amounts of energy holding everyone at arms length to prevent getting wounded again. They reject everyone on the planet because they don’t want to relive the pain their birth mother caused.

 

The Motivation Behind the Witchcraft:

 Even though the RAD adopted child has good reasons for the vow they hold – it obviously doesn’t produce a healthy perspective on life or promote living in loving and life giving relationships. So, they continue living life alone on the inside – even though they may be surrounded by love ones who care. This is so sad!!

The RAD adopted child then becomes self-absorbed, a-moral (deciding their own rules, morals, and kingdom), and often times narcissistic. The “root of fear” produced by the initial experience with their birth mother’s rejection, abandonment, and wounding – causes them to depend on themselves ONLY to get their needs met. They decide they are the only one strong enough to make themselves safe.

 

Power and Witchcraft:

 As the RAD adopted child grows up they still have this root of fear and vow influencing everything they do. They learn to use their “power of influence” to meet their needs and get what they want. This counteracts the fear and narcissism starts to develop. They live in their own little world – developing their ability to control. They charm, manipulate, influence and revolve around themselves. The more they do this the more powerful they think they’re becoming.

To the RAD adopted child – power and strength means safety so it is no wonder they become attracted to witchcraft. It is their means to an end to get their needs met, and to feel less fearful by growing more powerful. This produces their own safety. They grow to like the power and strength they “think” is manipulating others’ lives by performing witchcraft rituals and incantations, etc.

 

Conclusion:

 The sad thing about this: If they permitted their souls to be healed of their vow – they wouldn’t have to live life alone. They wouldn’t have to meet their own needs and would let others in to love and protected them. Witchcraft meets their need to feel safe, strong and in charge. It makes them feel powerful…I have to be very honest here – this vow has got to go!!

 

Please leave a comment in the box below. I would love to hear from you. Till next time…

Adoption and the Symptom of Narcissism – Part Two

You Can Heal from the Results of Marriage and Adoption Narcissism

 Intro: 

The reason for this blog is to help the adoptive families with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children. There are many posts I’ve written on this topic. Please have a look.

My last post gave the list of symptoms of narcissism and some steps to overcome it. If you haven’t read the previous post, I suggest you do so to better understand this post.

I referred a book (in my last post) written by Patricia King entitled “Overcoming the Spirit of Narcissism.” I highly recommend you read it. Her website is xpmedia.com  There is a list of 34 symptoms of narcissism which will help you gain better understanding  of the  narcissistic mind. She does give examples of situations which create narcissism. Adoption and being spoiled are two of the situations.

 This post is about how the narcissistic person can personally heal and then mend their broken relationships. I will also talk about healing for the non-narcissistic person who was abused by a narcissist. Both healings are necessary to move forward in wholeness.

My Story:

 If you are the parent of a RAD adopted child, the likelihood of your child being narcissistic is pretty great. Do they expect everyone to revolve around them and get angry if they don’t? Are they charming in public and the opposite at home?

My husband and I adopted two daughters from Thailand who had RAD. (Please check out my previous posts for more information on RAD). At the intensive RAD therapy we took our girls to, the therapists said narcissism is a regular symptom of RAD.

My husband HAD narcissism. I put the emphasis on HAD because he is the result of what the Lord has done in his life. The Lord healed him and our marriage is better than it has ever been. In moving forward, I’d like to mention my husband has given me permission to tell this story.

In my last post I gave a list of behavioral patterns of a narcissistic spouse and the results it has on the non-narcissistic spouse. I have personally experienced these and reached a point of almost losing who I was. In addition to my husband’s narcissism, our two narcissistic adopted daughters punished me whenever they could.

I couldn’t understand why I was getting nowhere when I saw the truth about our narcissistic daughters then shared with my husband. I would go to him and express what I was seeing and he would just ignore me trying to make it just go away. He didn’t want to spend time doing anything that wasn’t supporting him and what he wanted to spend his time on.

 

What Position Did I Have To Take for Breakthrough?

 This was a very hard road to travel because it wearies the soul when the truth is revealed but it hasn’t set the situation free.  At least not in my relationship with my husband at the time. But Why?

When we give God the rightful seat on the throne of our hearts we also have to realize that He also doesn’t share any of His glory or honor. I do receive truth and revelation, but it is God’s truth and revelation and it must be implemented in His timeframe. We are to be after Father God being glorified only.

 

So, how does this apply to the topic at hand?

 I was seeing our situation clearly, but I was expecting everything to be done in my timing, and through my effort. I tried to approach my husband from every angle possible in order to get him to understand the dire situation we were in. It just wasn’t working.

I finally said “uncle.” From that point on, I suffered in silence and went to the Lord only. I soaked in Psalm 91. I found my “Secret Place” under His wing and poured my heart out while praying on behalf of my family situation. I found my own healing in this process. I didn’t say another word to my husband, but asked the Lord to speak to him and open his eyes to everything going on.

This went on for a while because God wanted to see if I was serious about allowing Him to be in charge and get all the glory and honor. I was glad for Him to take over because I was exhausted trying to deal with a narcissist. What I was doing wasn’t working.

 

The Conference with Patricia King:

 My husband and I went to a local conference where Patricia King was speaking and she advertised her book on narcissism. My husband leaned over to me and said, “her description describes our girls” and immediately got up and purchased Patricia’s book. He read it and became so convicted of  the list of symptoms of narcissism  he broke each symptom down to percentages of how much he displayed each symptom. He said he had 31 out of the 34 symptoms. He has apologized to me for all his behaviors and we are now on a wonderful journey together. God healed my husband in His timing and got all the glory and honor!!

 

Therapy:

 Things accelerated with our adopted girls. My husband could see they were in crisis and agreed to take them to RAD intensive therapy. God vindicated me at the intensive therapy. He caused all of the girls’ symptoms of RAD and narcissism to be revealed. Everything came out: The girls were trying to get us divorced, the youngest was planning to kill me and then marry my husband, they wanted me out of the house, they were sabotaging my every effort to bond with them, the oldest adopted daughter was trying to emotionally seduce my husband, etc. My husband again apologized to me for not believing me. I received full healing.

 

Conclusion:

 God wants to come through for you! Your power can’t accomplish what you want. God loves the most difficult situations and will glorify Himself in His power – proving to be the most Wonderful Being in the universe on your behalf. So, give up and give in to His love, glory and power. He wants to show you who He is for you in this unsolvable situation.

 

If you would like some help in the area of getting free from narcissism or from being abused by a narcissist – please call me at the Unleashed Healing Center. I’m Laurie and a life coach. I would love to help you. You can connect with our office through unleashedhealingcenter.com

Please leave a comment below. I would love to talk with you.

Adoption and the Symptom of Narcissism – Part One

Adoption and the Narcissistic Spirit

 Intro:

 In my last post I talked about standing in proxy for your adopted child. You have the legal right to stand in proxy because God honors you as the authority over your adopted child’s life. Proxy brings healing because it gives your child closure for the decisions their birth parents decided which caused such chaos in their life.

Today I’m going to talk on the subject and symptoms of narcissism. I have only shared briefly about this topic in other posts, but today I’m going into more depth. I will divide this topic into two posts. This post will describe the symptoms. My next post is will describe my personal experience and all that I learned in the process of living with three narcissists.

I recommend a book by Patricia King. The title of the book is, “Overcoming the Spirit of Narcissism.” She has CD’s on the subject too. In this book is a full list (not in this article) of symptoms and information. The rest of this post is a combination of Patricia’s book and a few points I have thrown in from my experience.

When my husband and I took our two adopted girls for intensive RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) therapy. The therapists said narcissism is a common symptom of RAD. But, we live in a narcissistic society so narcissism is found—at some level—in everyone. I repented for six of the 34 symptoms and allowed the Lord to change me.

(The purpose of this post is to help you identify narcissistic behaviors in yourself and those around you)

 

The Spirit of Narcissism

(NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

 A. Fueled by:

  1. Self–exaltation or self-idolatry
  2. Pride
  3. Self-absorption
  4. Self-focus

B. Clues:

  1. Unable to love or connect with anyone outside themselves.
  2. The rejection a narcissist gives others severely hurts those who love him or her.
  3. They involve themselves in egotistical pursuits, offering self-gratification, dominance and self- ambition to the exclusion of others.
  4. Inflated sense of their importance and a deep need for admiration.
  5. They believe they are superior to others and have little regard for others feelings.
  6. Behind the mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem – vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
  7. Friends or spouses feel a need to tippy toe on ice around them.
  8. Can have a landing strip enabling demonic control to take over.

C. Satan is the Ultimate Narcissist

  1. Ezek. 28:12-17 & Isa. 14:12-14
  2. He lived in a perfect environment of love, blessing, purity and glory, yet he chose to sin. He directed the worship and focus of others unto himself

D. Nature of Deception

  1. When you’re deceived, you don’t know it.
  2. Rebellion vs. Deception: Rebellion is when you know what is right and deliberately choose wrong. Deception is when you actually believe you are right. What you believe feels like truth but it isn’t. Narcissism is rooted in deception.
  3. Best safeguard to deception is an accountability team around you- those who will lovingly speak truth.
  4. It’s dangerous to have “yes men” because then the narcissist will never find truth or freedom.
  5. If narcissists don’t submit to accountability – it can infect those around them to become narcissistic too.

E. Symptoms

  1. 34 symptoms in Patricia’s book
  2. Scriptures: Prov.16:18, Mark 9:35, & Matt.18:4

F. Fruit of Narcissism

  1. Broken relationships and covenants
  2. Rejection
  3. Division in homes, workplaces, spheres of influence, relationships and church
  4. Mental illness (breakdowns, sociopathic behavior in severe cases)
  5. Criminal activity
  6. Narcissist’s cause emotional abuse

G. Overcoming Narcissism

  1. Narcissism can be overcome
  2. Admit you need help and give yourself an honest evaluation
  3. You need a true heartfelt repentance
  4. Commit to die to self
  5. Deal with the roots
  6. Generational iniquity is a common root of narcissism.
  7. Childhood rejection, abuse and/or neglect is a common root of narcissism.
  8. Recognize and change any taught behavior patterns.
  9. Don’t require celebrity treatment.
  10. Follow Jesus and determine to live out of your spirit rather than your soul.
  11. Move in the opposite spirit which is humility and teachability.
  12. Renew you mind with scripture.
  13. Renounce spirit(s) associated with narcissism. It usually pairs with pornographic activity.
  14. Be filled with the spirit.

H. Narcissism & relationships

  1. Friendship with a narcissist is usually shallow, one-sided, unfulfilling and aggravating.
  2. Relationship usually turns to what supports the narcissist’s needs for affirmation, attention, endorsement, and association.
  3. If the personal benefit to the narcissist wanes in the friendship the relationship usually is terminated or is placed at arms length by the narcissist.
  4. They never labor with a pure motive to bless and encourage others unless it helps their agenda for success, increase, popularity, or promotion.
  5. They are competitive, prone to jealousy, ostentatious and often create strife in the workplace or ministry due to selfish agendas.
  6. They are not teachable and resist discipline.
  7. Marriage: Spouse lives with rejection, grueling demands, lack of attention, control, emotional manipulation and are dominated through shame and blame. Spouse is used as a showpiece to prop the narcissist image. Example: a “trophy wife”.
  8. A narcissist will always need more for themselves: Material things, more love, praise, attention, time for themselves, preferential treatment and more help. They seldom think of or care about the needs of their spouse unless it enhances their image or benefits them.
  9. Of those who struggle with a narcissist spirit – 75 percent are male.

I. Behavior patterns found in a narcissistic spouse:

  1. Acts out in verbally aggressive behaviors
  2. When confronted or opposed – places blame or shame; accuses
  3. Insensitive to their spouse – the world revolves around them only
  4. Controlling and manipulating
  5. Shows rage or outbursts of anger when their spouse disagrees with them, or makes them look bad in front of others
  6. Often spends outside their budget. Depends financially on their spouse and asks for the spouse to help fund things for them. If the spouse withholds – they get upset and are often accusative and enraged. The opposite is also true for some. They are breadwinners for the family but withhold finances from their spouse and use the household funds for their own goals, purposes, and pleasure.
  7. Talk about themselves constantly and seldom seem interested in the life, needs or interests of their spouse.
  8. Expects special treatment from their spouse.
  9. Very sensitive if they are insulted even in the most subtle way (spouses usually feel like they are walking on thin ice and must be careful how they word things or voice complaints)
  10. Shows one side of their personality in public but another side in private. They are hypocritical and can go out of their way to impress others.
  11. Spouse can feel emotionally battered and confused.
  12. Spouses’ self-esteem can diminish to the point they have none.

 

Conclusion:

 

I will talk on how the parents of narcissistic adopted children or spouses of a narcissistic spouse can find healing in my next post. I encourage you to purchase Patricia’s book. Her website is xpmedia.com and you can find the book in the store on her website.

 Please comment below. I would love to hear from you!