Do You Have an Adopted Child With Behavioral Problems? It May Not Be Your Fault:

Do You Have an Adopted Child With Behavioral Problems? 

 Intro:

Hi all. This is Laurie and I created this blog to encourage adoptive and foster parents who are navigating through adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. Please check out my other posts. They are all helpful advice about both issues.

My last post was about healing and faith. It was the fifth post of a five part series on encouragement. (Have a look) I talked about several issues which influence our faith in God and ourselves.

Today I am going to talk about adopted children with behavioral problems and the possibility that it may not be your fault. Not that we as parents automatically assume it is all our fault on all subjects of parenting. (I’m being facetious – lol) Many of the issues in adoption are the result of the birth parent’s decisions and the residual effects on their children.

 

Birth Parent Rejection:

We the parents of RAD children need to regularly remind ourselves we are not to take the blame or take the responsibility of causing RAD in our adopted children. We are not to be responsible for what the birth parents caused before we ever adopted our children. That lies firmly on the birth parent’s shoulders.

If your adopted children have RAD – they came to you with all the RAD symptoms attached. You need to understand you didn’t cause the symptoms! Your children are still reacting to the initial rejection from their birth parents and this caused the below symptoms of RAD. You did not!

 

Symptoms of RAD:

  • Superficially engaging and “charming” behavior
  • Lying about the obvious (“crazy lying”)
  • Stealing
  • Destructive behavior to self, others, and material things
  • Poor peer relationships
  • Lack of conscience
  • Lack of cause–and-effect thinking
  • Indiscriminate affection towards strangers
  • Lack of affection with parents on their terms (not cuddly)
  • Little eye contact with parents
  • Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
  • Inappropriate, demanding and clingy behavior
  • Abnormal eating patterns
  • No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
  • Lags in learning
  • Abnormal speech patterns
  • Cruelty to animals
  • False allegations of abuse
  • Triangulation of adults
  • Preoccupation with fire
  • Narcissistic and entitled
  •  Manipulative and controlling

 

 

Resentment:

         I know for a long time I resented the birth parents of my two adopted children for several things:

  • For causing such pain in the hearts of my two children by their rejection
  • For their selfishness, lack of responsibility, care or well-being of their children (at least in the case of my two children)
  • For causing RAD
  • For leaving us to clean up their mess

 

Keep On Keeping On:

         I dealt with all my resentment and we took our two children to a RAD therapist. Relief filled my soul when the therapist told us our children “came” with all the above symptoms. It was not our fault they acted the way they did.

Understanding this wonderful revelation helped in so many ways. It doesn’t heal RAD but reminding myself of this fact sure lifted my spirit many times. It allowed me to keep on keeping on.

I hope it helps you in the same way. Maybe today is the first time you saw the symptom list and are realizing your adopted child may have RAD. If so, let me say again – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT because THEY WERE LIKE THIS BEFORE THEY CAME TO YOU!

 

Conclusion:

If you discovered your adopted child possibly has RAD – be relieved it is not our fault and then get them some help. I understand the younger they are when they get help the better. Your best bet is to google RAD therapists in your area.

If there are places in your soul which need healing – maybe I can help. I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com  I help clients heal from emotional wounding.

Thanks for listening. I hope today was helpful and enlightening. I will have another post for you next week.  Until then…

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Three:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

Hello there. Laurie here to talk about adoption and RAD issues. It’s what this blog is about so check out my previous posts. I’m sure they will be helpful if you are searching for answers in this area.

My last two posts were the first two posts of this five part series about encouragement. I am using the acronym of FAITH to make my points. Please check them out for some encouragement.

Today is the third step of encouragement. I am using the I in the acronym of FAITH. This subject is near and dear to my heart so please read further.

 

I for Injustice:

There is so much injustice in adoption situations. Here is a list of injustices which frustrate me to the core:

  1. An adopted child didn’t sign up for the pain of rejection and abandonment when their mother and father didn’t keep them. Even if the family had to give them up for a good reason – an adopted child usually never feels like they belong. Ugh! So unjust!!
  2. When a couple can’t have children and they get a child with RAD. Then this child presents emotionally destructive behavior wounding the adoptive parents. Wow! That goes deep!!
  3. When adoptive parents do everything they know to do for their adoptive RAD child – to no avail. It doesn’t work because the adopted child refuses love or help from anyone. This really sucks! I can attest to this because it happened to my husband and I with our two girls. Double whammy!!

 

Justice is very important to me! I have the personality that needs to see the good win over the bad. I also don’t give up easily – this can be good or bad depending on the situation.

 

Three Scriptures about God’s Justice for orphans:

1)  I am reminded of a post I wrote a while ago called the Orphans Psalm. It was about Psalm 10 and describes the actions of an orphan. In this Psalm the orphan is very rebellious – yet at the end of the chapter Father God expresses His desire for the orphan to NOT live in terror… What a good and kind God!

2)  I also want to point out the scripture in Prov. 23:10 where God stands up for the fatherless saying their defender is strong on their behalf and will take up their cause. God is the orphan’s defender.

3)  It says in Prov. 31: 8-9 – Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves and for the rights of all who are destitute. We are to speak up and judge fairly; defending the rights of the poor and needy… Orphans are definitely poor and needy!

 

God’s Justice of Parents:

1)  God said in his commandments for children to obey their parents. God always has our backs and He wants us to treat our children with justice and honor in return.

2)  It says in Prov. 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it… Again, God is with us and backs us as parents.

 

My Point:

 

God believes in family, parents and children. God invented justice because it is part of His character and desires for justice to prevail. This includes you and your difficult adopted RAD child. We don’t parent out of punishment or control. Instead we are to bring justice for all in the family. Children are to obey their parents for their lives to go well.

We need to decide to partner with God for this to happen. If you are reading this post – you’re probably looking for answers to some difficult situations. Your RAD adopted child is probably out of control and rejecting you on all levels.

I encourage you to surrender to God. Give Him your life, children and situations. He is the only one who can get through to your little one. He brings JUSTICE for all concerned because He invented Justice.

 

Conclusion:

If you have a comment please leave it in the box below. See you next week for the fourth part to this five part series. Until then…

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Two

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement 

 Intro:

Hi all! This is Laurie and I developed this blog to support the adoptive families out there navigating through foster and adoption issues and RAD. Please look through my previous posts because they are all about adoption.

My last post was on the first step of encouragement in my acronym of FAITH. It was F for Failure. I shared on allowing our adoptive children to fail while they are still in our homes and have a safe place to land. Please check it out.

Today I am moving to the A in my acronym of FAITH. It is my desire to walk through these five steps of encouragement in order to boost all the adoptive parent out there who are discouraged by the difficulties of adoption life.

 

A for Afraid:

         I have yet to run into an adoptive parent of a RAD child who is not afraid about their child behavior and future. I also have yet to run into and adoptive RAD child who isn’t afraid. So, this post is about the fear on both sides of the family dynamic.

Being afraid, or in terror is never a good state of being but a part of this blog is about the fear in your adopted RAD child. Maybe you’re saying you don’t see fear in your child and see your child presenting quite the opposite which is the of fear of nothing. This can present a problem also.

Well, I’m here to talk about three types of fear an adopted RAD child has.

 

Three fears:

  1. Fear that you (the parents) will never return from a trip just like their birth mother didn’t return. My husband and I discovered this truth when we took a trip. Our adopted children treated our care giver terribly because they were afraid we wouldn’t come back. So, be encouraged – they really do want you in their lives even if it is on their terms of bad behavior and trying to control the situation.
  2. Even though they hold you at arm’s length and won’t bond – they have a fear that they will never be loved like they want to be loved. THEY make this nearly impossible because THEY have decided or vowed to sabotage your every effort to connect. Just like every other human on the earth – they need and want love so keep trying. Allow God to hold your heart in protection – but keep trying.
  3. The third fear is the one that attacked them when they discovered their birth mother left them. It is called terror. Terror is what altered them so they have closed their feelings off from everyone. The thing is – God can break through this. He invented adoption first so it is His desire to adopt everyone into His family.

 

 

Parental Fears:

God’s adoption is also offered to us as parents. We need to go to God with our own fears about our RAD child. He is the only one that can fix this difficult problem! Besides, fear is very hard on our bodies because of the stress involved. God wants to lead us into His peace that passes all comprehension.

We can’t change the lives of anyone through using fear. There is no situation that has been solved because we feared enough to change the destiny or direction of someone’s life or situation. Look to God for the answer to your fear.

God is the only one powerful enough to change someone’s heart. Switching your efforts into prayer instead of fear is the solution. So, let’s do that now. Please pray with me.

 

Prayer:

Lord I pray for the person who is reading this now. Please help them step out of the fear they have for their RAD adopted child and start depending on you and your power to affect their child for the changes that need to take place. Help them to surrender their child into your loving care and protection. Bring their child to a place of surrendering to you and your heart for adoption and destiny. Amen.

 

Conclusion:

Enough for today. Please come back next week to read more steps of encouragement. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until then…

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering – Part One

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering

Intro:

I can’t help but put a plug in for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as the main reason for my blog. That and helping adoptive families understand what they are going through when their children have adoption issues. You see, my husband and I adopted two lovely daughters from Thailand and without our knowledge – they both came to us with RAD in full swing. I’ve written many posts on this subject. Please have a look.

My last five posts were on inner peace. Peace is very important in life but especially needed when living with someone who has RAD. RAD is very challenging and I hope my last five posts will encourage you to stay in peace. Please check them out.

Today I am going to talk about shattering of the soul. Trauma can shatter any person but my focus is specifically on trauma due to adoption issues shattering the soul in relation to RAD. There will be three posts on this topic.

 

My Definitions:

1)  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – When the birth mother gives her child up for adoption the child suddenly loses the only person they know for safety, comfort, and providing for their needs. Suddenly what was familiar is gone and it is at this point (even at days old) this child can make a vow in their heart that causes RAD. Usually the vow goes something like, “I will never let anyone close enough to me or my heart to hurt me like that ever again”, or “I will never attach to any one and I won’t let them attach to me.” The child then lives their life holding everyone at arm’s length – refusing to bond for healthy attachment. This is the cause of RAD. It is a decision made by the adopted child.

2)  Shattering/DID– Yes I am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because of trauma a person can “shatter” inside and have more than one personality. More crudely put – their personality separates. It is still their personality only “shattered” into parts. Originally the person was one personality but because of the intensity of an event(s) the person didn’t stay present (or facing the event) and allowed another “part” of them self to come forward to face the trauma.

3)  Integration – when the parts are put back together.

 

Adoption Trauma:

         I fully understand adoption is very traumatizing and I’m not surprised adopted children can have DID/shattering in addition to RAD when they make these vows. How is a baby supposed to know how to cope with the events happening to them? I might make the same vows if someone abandoned me. This brings me to what I am talking about today. How do we help our adopted children live a quality life and come into some form of healing and wholeness?

 

Starting with Honor:

We have to take some time to talk about honoring the shattered parts because they have helped the person survive and live life the best they knew how. Many times a shattered person allows a “defender part” to take the “forward or front” (the one presenting for the moment) position in a person because they are tuff and able to handle life more effectively.

This forward part may be strong but a person living in parts will not be as strong as a fully integrated (when all the parts are put back together again) person. They will experience life as though they are a puzzle and not as a whole person.

It is possible the person may not remember portions of their life if the forward part switches to other parts during their day or portions of their life. Many times the shattered person will not remember the younger years of their life or will not remember painful events because they “disappeared” or dissociate as means of survival.

 

So is Integration Possible?

Yes it is and I’ve helped some people integrate. I will talk some more on the subjects of DID and RAD in my next post. I pray you have a wonderful week and God will keep you safe. Blessings!!

 

Conclusion:

         Please leave a comment in the box below. Been nice sharing with you. Until then…

RAD and Three Human Lies – Part One

Three Human Lies

 Intro:

         This blog is for all the foster and adoptive families who have adopted children with RAD. RAD is a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder and is very difficult to navigate through. I have written numerous posts on the subject – please have a look.

My last two posts were on negative soul response mechanisms such as triggers. Please take a moment and read through them. It is good information for those who are wanting healing in this area.

Today I am going to start a three part series on three human lies. I wouldn’t be surprised if every human being has one to all three of these human lies. But, the focus of this series of posts will be RAD adopted children and their belief in these lies.

 

The Three Human Lies:

  1. I have to do everything right
  2. God has to make everything go right for me
  3. Everyone has to treat me right

 

I Have to Do Everything Right:

         Most of mankind believes these lies to some degree. The “I have to do everything right” lie reminds me of the post I wrote not too long ago about the difference between being an owner or a steward. In this previous post I showed scriptures about God owning everything and we’re here to tend to what God gave us to accomplish. I titled this post, “Who provides for, Owns or Stewards a RAD adopted child?” Please check it out. It is about taking all the stress out of parenting.

The first lie above -“I have to do everything right” – is part of the RAD adopted child’s dilemma. What causes RAD is a few vows the adoptee makes when their birth mom gives them up. I will only talk about three such vows in this post.

 

Three Adopted RAD Child’s Vows:

  1. They vow in their hearts to prevent anyone from hurting them like their birth mom did by giving them away. So, they keep everyone at arm’s length as protection from getting hurt again. Therefore the “I have to do everything right” lie happens in reference to their own self-protection.
  2. They also vow to meet their own needs because they are the only one they trust to look after their best interests. So, the “I have to do everything right” lie goes into effect. At a very young age they try to meet their own need – even when they are too young and enable to do so. This is somewhat understandable but sooner or later their soul will be exhausted from expended energy to do everything right so their needs get met.
  3. Many times the adoptee -and probably all of us at one time or another- have lived this lie in order to be liked or loved. This “lie mask” may be worn to cover up the unseen imperfections they feel aren’t acceptable to others as a means to be loved.

 

Conclusion:

          I’m sure every human on the planet identifies with this human lie at some level. BUT, I’m also sure your intellect understands the truth of the matter. No one can ever do everything right all the time. To do everything right would be exhausting to the soul and would render a person equal with God.

I am a life coach and have worked with many people to get rid of lies to receive the truth.  So, if you find you would like help with the lie of having to do everything right all the time, please contact me. I would love to help you get freedom in this area of your life. You can get ahold of me at Laurie@getrealliving.com Tell them you want a session with me and the secretary help you.

Please leave a message below so we can talk. I would love to hear your question or perspective on this or other posts I’ve written. Until next time…

Vows, Pain and Adoption Issues

Intro:

Hi all! My computer was broken so I haven’t posted a blog for three weeks. I have all my computer issues fixed and am up and running again. My next healing discussion is about vows, pain and adoption issues. I hope it gives you insight into what you are going through. I pray that the Lord speaks to you and heals your hurting hearts.

My last post was about four landing strips that Satan uses to kill steal and destroy. This post is about the pain that happens in an adoptive family especially when there is RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) involved. I would like to examine this from both the adopter and adoptee’s perspective – acknowledging “both sides of the coin,” so to speak.

 

Description:

No one wants to experience emotional pain. When we do, it’s completely natural to cover our hearts. Many times in the process of being self-protecting we come into agreement with declarations in our hearts that are against the destiny of our lives. These declarations are called vows.

 

Vows:

In past posts I’ve talked about vows made by an RAD child when they discover their birth mother is gone for good. A common vow is to not let anyone into their heart again. Let’s list some possibilities of vows your adopted child could have made:

 1)      To not let anyone that close to their heart and hurt them ever again.

2)      To not trust anyone.

3)      To not trust woman.

4)      To be their own mother.

5)      To be their own father.

6)      To create their own morals.

7)      To be God in their own life.

8)      To manipulate everyone to get their needs met.

9)      To meet their own needs in whatever way possible.

10) To sabotage every relationship.

11) To cause as much pain as possible to anyone who cares and loves them.

12) To find their birth mom and reunite with her. (This is not a bad desire, but sometimes it’s not possible for their own safety or in mental reality.)

The above vows are ways to self-protect and survive. The instinct to survive is natural and there are reasons to self-protect in many situations. But, self-protection and survival efforts become destructive when they hinder social maturity, learning to love and be loved, and the fulfillment of our destiny. We are all created to walk out the destiny God purposed for us to fulfill and making vows of self-protection and survival can hinder this process.

God never desired for your child to be hurt over and over because they were moved from foster home to foster home, etc. Self-protection is a natural development in these types of scenarios, but as the child starts to mature, the vows created in their heart must be addressed and healed for the child to have fulfilling relationships and walk in their destiny.

Consider this real example of the destructive vow we experienced in our adopted daughters. They both vowed to find their birth moms and reunite with them. They reasoned in their own minds that we stole them from their birth moms. Our first adopted child’s mom died and our second daughter’s mom was mentally impaired to the point that she couldn’t parent. So, the vows above and the vow to not trust anyone came into play here.  As a results, they refused to trust the TRUTH that we didn’t steal them.

Vows cause havoc in lives and detours us from the destiny we are to walk in. These vows keep us from loving and being loved. As a result, our pain builds barriers around our heart. Unless we heal and come into freedom, our vows hinder our personal growth and our relationships suffer dearly.

 

Parental Vows:

 We looked at the vows that an adopted (RAD) child can make. Now let’s look at some scenarios and vows an adoptive parent can make in response to their RAD child’s behavior. Here are some possible vows:

 1)     Scenario: Your adopted child has RAD and is rejecting you – Examples: so I vow to

  1. Love more
  2. Try longer
  3. Work harder to get behind the blockage.

RESULT: Because of their vow(s) they won’t let you close. There is pain from rejection.

2)     Scenario: Your adopted child is sabotaging your every effort to do anything with them to have quality time together – Examples: so I vow to

  1. I must alter myself so that they will like me.
  2. I must find the door that will give me access into their heart.
  3. I must find some miracle activity that will cause my child to bond to me.

RESULT: You are adjusting yourself and being someone you are not. Plus they won’t let you close because of their vow(s). The pain is from rejection and not being accepted for who we are.

3)     Scenario: Your RAD child is lying about you to the people in your community – Examples: so I vow to

  1. Stay out of the public eye – becoming depressed because no one understands and your relationships suffer.
  2. Try to explain to everyone what is happening in our home.

RESULT: If it is a lie – you didn’t do anything wrong and God is your defender. The pain is from being presented as something against your character.

4)     Scenario: You can’t have a child and when you finally get your adopted child – they hate you. Example: so I vow

  1. I want to love and be loved so I will do whatever it takes to be close to this child.
  2. I put this child before God and my husband.
  3. I will be the best at every facet of being a parent.

RESULT: God and your husband aren’t in the correct places in your heart and being the “best” mother is unrealistic. It puts you in a place of being a perfectionist and that wearies the soul. The pain is from possible rejection or failure.

There are probably many vows and scenarios that will fit into the parenting part of our lives. Although the vows above don’t seem terrible we can  slip into self-effort or self-protection—altering who we truly are.  Then we are kept from relationships that are satisfying and real. We are created for relationship with God first and then with others. God helps us do what we need to do to fulfill our destiny and heal. 

 

Adoption Issues:

 We all have made vows and I’m encouraging you to get some help for yourself and your adopted child. This is just another example where we are accepting far less out of life than we ought to accept. God doesn’t want this for us or our children.

 

Getting Help:

 Do you see the destructive nature of vows? Do you see where vows are at work in your own life? If so, I can help you break free and find healing. I am a life coach at a facility called Unleashed Healing Center. You can visit our web site at unleashedhealingcenter.com or call to make a life coaching appointment. My name is Laurie and I would love to help you through this process. When you call  tell them you want a session with me. 

Thanks for your interest and see you next week…