Four Traps and Your RAD Child – Part 2

Four Traps and Your RAD Child


In my last post I talked about the first two traps which were the performance trap and the approval trap. The performance trap is behavior resulting from fear of failure. The approval trap is behavior resulting from the fear of rejection. There is so much more information attached to these two traps in my last post so please take a moment to read up on how to process through getting free.

Today I am going to write about the third and fourth traps. I will discuss how these affect all our relationships, but especially the relationships to our adopted children  RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children. I have talked repeatedly about RAD in previous posts. Please refer to those posts for more information about RAD.

The heart of my blog is to be a support to families that have adopted, but what I write about will work for families in general also. Where ever you find yourself in your family relationships, I hope my words are as helpful and informative as I’ve intend.


Shame Trap:

  3) Shame Trap – The belief of unworthiness and that nothing can change it.

Possible Origin – The level of expectation does not equal the level of experience. Example: the level of abuse outweighed the level of love. Then you live in the shadow of impossibility. This can be brought on by abuse in the family home that has never been spoken about or dealt with.

Results – Self-pity, fear of change, under achiever, procrastination, addiction, unworthiness and being withdrawn.

Solution – Replace the hopelessness with the truth of God’s forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself (see Results above – you’re responsible for this) and forgiveness for the one who violated you. There is a third forgiveness and that is forgiving yourself for thinking you brought on any abuse. The abuser keeps all the responsibility for abusing anyone.

Scriptures – 1 John 1:9 – “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins”


  1.  Stay in the presence of God for cleansing
  2. Identify the difference between shame and conviction. God will never shame us into anything.  But He does convict us. There is a huge difference because conviction comes with acceptance and unconditional love.  Satan is the one who shames us and then makes us feel rejected and then  not loved.

Outcome – Acceptance of God’s forgiveness, freedom from self-pity and the ability to try and succeed.

Preserved in Jesus – We are kept from decay and protected from harm and deception.

Another Scriptures – Ps. 91:1 – Our ability to see Jesus as our refuge and the lover of our soul directly affects His ability to preserve us. We need to ALLOW Him to be our protector and unconditionally love us. And  Romans 8:37 – “We become more than conquers”

Ask the Lord to show you where you have misconceptions of Him. Satan is the culprit – not God. It is Satan’s fault that bad things happened to you in the first place. Break agreement with it and accept the truth that God is the lover of your soul. His intentions towards you have always been good and he wants to show you this. His compassion to help you heal from what Satan dealt you is real!

  The Point:

 Again, there are two categories to this trap:

1)      This applies to relationships in your life where the person used shame to get their way. Forgiveness is the key to break an ungodly soul tie. (Please refer to a previous post on soul ties) Receiving the shame is a choice you make. Don’t allow Satan to have an inch of your time or thoughts in this area. God doesn’t see you as shameful but lovable. Get rid of the shame by using the steps above.

2)      The possibility of your adopted RAD child as the voice speaking shame to you could be very probable. They do not like to take on any responsibility for anything and project the shame they are feeling onto others making it someone else’s fault. Then they sink deeper into self-pity. Ask God to help you decipher between what portion is yours and what portion is theirs. Then take your portion to God for help and redemption. Pray that your RAD child will come out of their deception.


 Guilt Trap:

 4)      Guilt Trap – The belief that others will never be able to accept you because of past failures.

Possible Origins – Un-forgiveness

Results – Argumentative, defensive, hostility, violence and addiction(s).

Solution – Replace anger with the truth of God’s peace.

Scriptures – Romans 2:14 – “He is our peace and has broken down the middle wall of division” and Matthew 18:21-35 – About the indentured servant (please read)

Outcome – Forgiveness, grace, mercy, peace, and humility.

The Stronghold and Sanctification of God – Jude 1

The Holy Spirit’s involvement in our lives is for our freedom. But we can learn to manage the damage (just live with it or continually adjust to it) instead of getting free. We are sanctified by the Father God! We don’t poses the power to save or free ourselves.

This makes us WHOLE and WHOLLY devoted to God to be healed of all our wounds and carnal thoughts. We then receive the ability to think from an eternal perspective and to live passionate about God and His plan.

This process happens through the Father’s Love:

a)      Romans 2:4 – “the kindness of God leads us to repentance”

b)      We must therefore understand the Father heart of God for this to happen. He loves us and is for us. Our concepts of “Father” will directly affect our sanctification.

 The Point:

 We have all fallen short!! We need to take care of all the issues to be free and able to receive the Father’s love and give love that isn’t tainted by all our beliefs wrapped up in the “traps” we are in or we put others in.

I put this trap into the two categories like I did the others:

 1)      We need to take care of our own issues.

2)      When we have an adopted RAD child they like to project their guilt onto us. We need to separate ours from theirs and get free from our issues so we can see clearly and NOT take on their guilt.


Summery Review:

1)      Performance Trap – self-esteem is established by meeting a standard that leads to fear of failure, manipulation, control and the religious spirit. The solution is to replace the lie of performance with the truth of grace.

2)      Approval Trap – is due to self-worth being established by gaining approval of certain individuals by possible soul ties leading to fear of rejection. The solution is to replace rejection for approval with the truth of the Father’s love.

3)      Shame Trap – is the belief of unworthiness and nothing can change it and it leads to self-pity etc. The solution is to replace hopelessness with the truth of God’s forgiveness and belief in His everlasting love.

4)      Guilt Trap -is the belief that others will never be able to accept you because of past failures. The solution is replacing anger with the truth of God’s peace, sanctification and forgiveness.


All of this applies to parenting adoptive RAD children and if we get free then we can see clearly to help our children – loving them like Father God loves them. What better gift to give to our children than being personally healed and unconditionally loving them!!


Please make a comment or ask your questions in the box below . Until next week…