RAD Symptoms Sabotaging Christmas:

Christmas Holiday:

Intro:

Merry Christmas a few days early. Laurie here with my next post. I have written many posts so have a look.

My last post was on RAD adopted children and the magic age of eighteen. Many leave home at this age to go out on their own.  I talked about getting help to prevent this from happening before they are ready. Check out my post.

Today’s post is about the need RAD adopted children have to sabotage Christmas, birthdays or holidays. It is a difficult behavior to navigate through. Please read further.

Reasoning Behind the Sabotaging:

        During any holiday or birthday adopted RAD children are in a fantasy mode. They are imagining how life would have been if they didn’t have to be adopted out. Along with not letting anyone to close to bond to them – an adopted RAD child will do a myriad of behaviors to ruin or sabotage a holiday. They act out over and over to produce reactions so no one will bond to them.

This is also the tactic they use to prevent anyone from entering their heart where they think their birth family belongs. They believe there is not enough room in their heart for two fathers or mothers – let alone any extra siblings. It is quite sad when viewed from their perspective.

Your Christmas Day:

        You don’t need to let their sabotaging ruin your holiday. It takes a certain ability to separate the reasoning of their behavior from what you are truly carrying in your heart towards them. Which of course is love. When they act the way they do it is because of their deception about only loving a few people at a time. BUT you are capable of loving many loved ones and it puts you in a vulnerable position.

You don’t have to put up with sabotaging behaviors. Don’t let their prickly behaviors wound your soul. That is what they are wanting it to do. Maintaining the right perspective allows you see to see they behave like this out of their fears. Mainly fear of rejection so they reject first so they don’t get hurt. They are so sick. You are not sick.

Instead, focus on the people around you who can receive your love and give love back. Until your child heals they won’t be able to love you the way you need them to love you. They will refuse to love because they can’t let you close enough to hurt them like their birth mother has done by giving them away.

Suggestions for the Holiday Sabotaging:

        I have changed my perspective about how to respond to sabotaging. I used to say send them to their room and have fun until they want to rejoin the group. Now I understand they want to be in their room to avoid bonding. So, here are some suggestions that keep them with everyone but can detour their behaviors in a social setting.

1)  Give them a choice of calmly participating or cleaning up the discarded Christmas wrapping paper.

2)  Give them a choice of waiting for their next gift or calming down, having fun, and opening their next gift.

3)  Give them a choice of sitting beside you or beside someone else in the room.

 

The Point:

It is ok for you to enjoy your holiday. Enjoy all the other people who are around you and give all the love you have to them. Loving is what holidays are all about. Just realize it is not you who is causing the behaviors your RAD adopted child is displaying. It is the results of the wounding they received from their biological parents rejection.

Conclusion:

        I understand what I am asking you to do is difficult but I just want you to be able to enjoy your holiday. Until RAD children heal they won’t be able to love you fully so release them from that requirement. It will relieve your heart ache need for their love.

Well, that is all for today. Be blessed and have a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. There won’t be a post next week. Until next time…

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Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and the Magic Age of Eighteen:

The Magic Age of Eighteen:

 

Intro:

        I trust you are having a good Christmas season. I’m here with a heart to connect to foster and adoptive families. I would love to hear from anyone about the subjects of my posts. Please leave a comment.

My last post was about living with RAD – day in and day out. RAD is challenging and the symptoms are intense. Please check out my last post.

Today I am going to talk about RAD and when an adopted RAD child reaches the age of eighteen. It’s an important time in the life of your child. They seem to think it is too.

The Magic Age of Eighteen:

Without startling anyone I want to say a few things here to prepare your heart. This is not from a heart of fear…It seems RAD adopted children think they are totally prepared to face the world at the age of eighteen. To them something magic happens when they are asleep on the last night of being seventeen. When they wake on their eighteenth birthday they suddenly know everything and can handle every situation which comes their way. They seem to think they are invincible.

You may be thinking that every child feels this way. To some degree that may be true. I have a biological child and adopted children and I can say with all sincerity – there is a difference. A RAD child’s intentions and expectations about turning eighteen come from very different motivations of the heart.

RAD adopted children have fantasized about being eighteen and out on their own probably for a very long time. Since they were very young – they have decided their own rules, morals and decisions. They aren’t attached to anyone and this independence sometimes unwisely places them in very dangerous situations.

Suggestions:

  1. If your adopted child is RAD and young – get them some help. Find someone who is educated about RAD. Don’t take them to anyone who doesn’t have an educated understanding of RAD. You won’t get anywhere.

 

  1. If you don’t know if your adopted child is RAD then do some research to educate yourself. There are RAD symptom lists on many web sites. If your child has several of the symptoms then research the nearest therapist that has an educated understanding of RAD to get help.
  2. If your child is RAD and is in their teens then get help ASAP! They will tell you they are not going to leave as soon as they are eighteen but they may be putting on a front. RAD children love to make plans, manipulate and try to pull things off right under your nose.

Think About What You’re Going To Do:

        I write this post as a results of what I have seen in many families who have RAD adopted children. It has left the parents in shock because they didn’t see the eighteen independence coming. Their children wake up at eighteen and their verbiage becomes words like, “I’m eighteen and you can’t tell me what to do.” Then a friend pulls their car into the driveway and your child, with luggage in hand, goes out gets in their car and off they go.

This all can be avoided if parents get help for their adopted child when they are young. If they are older then go get help now. Don’t be the parent that waits till things turn into a crisis!

Conclusion:

I realize this isn’t an encouraging subject but neither is a child leaving home way before they are reasonably ready. Please leave a comment so we can chat. Until next time…

Another Day with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD):

Finding Rest:

 

Intro:

Hi there I am Laurie. I trust you are having a good Holiday season. You’re probably in the middle of the Christmas rush as I am…This blog is for the adoptive and foster parents and parents of children with behavioral issues. Please check out some of my other posts.

My last post was about letting God fight your battles. This seems a good thing to do but how is it done? Check out my last post. It will help you.

Today’s post is about handling the day in and day out of living with a child who has RAD. How is this done? How can a parent handle the RAD symptoms from their children and not go crazy or get discouraged?

How is it done?

Well, if you have the answer please let me know. Living with RAD symptoms from a foster or adopted child definitely wears a parent out. There are days where you probably want to pull your hair out or give up. I understand. I was there at one time.

There are only a couple of suggestions I have for you:

  1. Take regular breaks or nights off.
  2. Go on a “get away” with friends or spouse occasionally without your children.
  3. Steward your children instead of owning them.

Take Regular breaks or Nights Off:

        When faced with a way of life that is grueling and won’t end soon, it is important to alleviate stress as best as you possibly can. Living with ongoing symptoms from an adopted RAD child, as we have already said, is draining. This is not good for your body, soul or spirit and it is ok to need regular breaks. Go out with friends. Laugh and connect with adults who are healthy and supportive. There is no room for guilt when you are doing it for your health and wellbeing. Your body and emotions need the break.

Get Away:

        Then there are times when your body and emotions are crying out for an extended time away from RAD symptoms. Again, there is no guilt in needing to take care of yourself for a while. Your body will thank you and you will be able to come back with renewed vigor and ability to handle responsibilities with wisdom.

Steward Your Children – Don’t Own Them:

I have written on this subject before so I will give a brief description of what I mean. God owns everything on the earth. So, He owns you, me and our children plus all the problems that come with RAD. All the responsibility of or children rests on his shoulders.

We are stewards on behalf of our children. We are to parent our children according to what God wants. How do we do this?

Well I will just give an example. Possibly your children are doing the RAD things which include causing conflict in the family or making decisions which are dangerous. If God owns your children – then tell God what your children are doing and then ask Him what he is going to do about it. He owns everything and is ultimately responsible for them. He will take on the challenge.

It takes the burden off your shoulders and gives God the burden of RAD symptoms connected to our adopted children. Plus, realizing the power to change the heart of an adopted RAD child rest squarely on God’s shoulders. There is no power in ourselves which can produce the change which is necessary to heal our children.

Conclusion:

        Blessings during your holiday season. Talk with you next time. Until then…