Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Control:

Control and Stewardship:


Greetings everyone! I am glad to see there are more and more views to this blog. I want to connect to as many adoptive and foster parents as I can. Please check out some of my other posts.

My last post was about the delicate balance between biological and adopted children in a family. It takes discernment to meet the needs of all the children in a household. Please take a look at my last post.

Today I am talking on the topic of control. Control can be a tricky avenue because parents are to have control of the household. But how does that work when no one likes a controlling person?

Two Thoughts about Control:

  1. Owner vs. steward
  2. Controlling vs. Control

Owners vs. Stewards:

        I wrote a post which talked about the difference between ownership and stewardship. I discussed how God owns everything in the world including all the gold and silver of the earth. This is understandable because He created it.

So, if He owns everything, then He owns you, me and our children. Yet, He has given everyone a free will to make their own decisions. He also owns the animals of the earth and yet some are free to roam as they please.

If God owns us and our children, we can ask the Lord to move on behalf of our children if they are doing something wrong. I respond to God by saying something like: Lord, your child (child’s name) is misbehaving by doing ______. You own her/him. What are you going to do about it? Then turn the child over to Him. It is God’s power that changes a person from within – not ours. We need His power to change our adopted RAD children because they think they are in charge and know everything.

We are to steward our children. This means God owns them and we are to teach, lead and protect them. But sometimes, we need to allow them to learn the life lessons they should learn while they are still in our home. This takes surrendering to God’s plan to teach life lessons which may be hard. This allows them to learn about life while they are home and have a soft place to land.

When they are out on their own – life isn’t so soft. Therefore, we are given the awesome task of stewarding the children we have been given while allowing God to lovingly teaching them. Trusting God to be the owner helps us to be at peace and our children to come into maturity.

 Controlling vs. Control:

        If God is the owner of everything then He is in control. But, as I said in the above paragraph God gives us a free will to make our own decisions. Therefore, we have choices and are free to follow our own decision making process. This gives us some control in our lives and shows God to be in control but not controlling.

Now, life is always better if we include God in the decision making process. But, if we don’t, we are still allowed to decide as we please. The decisions we make with God’s involvement usually end up bringing blessing to our lives. If we don’t – the opposite is usually true. So, including God is the optimal way of living our lives while still being allowed to have choices.

Choices and Our Adopted RAD children:

God is a good example of parenting by giving us control by choice options and we should do the same for our adopted, foster or biological children. This is being in control without being controlling. I know I like to have choices and don’t want to be controlled.

Our children should have some control without allowing them to control us. It is very common for adopted RAD children to be amoral and controlling. They buck at every controlling decision that is made on their behalf.

So, choices are an adoptive parent’s friend. Give choices as much as possible. God does it and we like it when He does. Our adopted, foster and biological children like it too.


        Giving choices doesn’t mean we are not in charge as parents. We do need to lead our children. Including God in the process helps things go better. We are to love, protect and prepare our children to go out into society to be productive citizens. Giving choices help them to learn to make the choices that will be productive in their lives producing maturity.

Thanks for listening. I hope you have a great week. I’ll be back here next time….

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Empathy or Sympathy – Which Causes a Fight? | Abba Father's Love

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: