The Delicate Balance Between Adopted and Biological Children:

Adopted and Biological Children:



        It is my honor to write this blog. I want to help foster and adoptive parents and parents of children with behavioral problems in any way I can. This is what I mainly write about.

Please take a look at my last post. It is about inner healing for parents. When the adults heal from their emotional wounds then they can help their children heal too.

I have had the honor of parenting biological and adopted children. I’m sure there are many out there in the same scenario. To meet all the needs of the children we have been given can sometimes be a very difficult balance. Especially when there are both biological and adoptive children in a family.


Biological Children:

My husband and I purposely adopted children who were younger than our biological children. We wanted to make sure our biological children were as safe as our adopted children would be. Our biological children needed to be old enough to communicate to us if an adopted child would act out aggressively towards them.

Many adopted children can have an assortment of behaviors which aren’t appropriate and are abusive. Biological children need to be safe and protected. It is not a biological child’s final decision to have adopted children as their siblings. The final decision rests on the parents. It certainly wouldn’t be a biological child’s decision to be abused by their adopted siblings.

Even if the biological children are a few years older, an aggressive younger child can act out towards them and this can be a problem. I have heard other families in this situation say their biological children eventually begged for the adopted children to be sent back. This is usually after the biological children received extended times of aggressive behaviors from the adopted children.

Adopted Children:

        It is a delicate balance to blend an adoptive family together. Usually if the adopted child has bonded to a care giver and doesn’t have any other disorders with aggressive tendencies, the blending happens relatively painlessly. Therefore, bonding in the family happen as it should.

If the adopted child has a disorder such as fetal alcohol, RAD, or ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) then the blending and bonding will be much more difficult. Aggressive behaviors can manifest rather intensively with these disorders and the biological child may need protection.

On the other side of the coin is the fact that orphaned children need homes. In your decision making process, ask yourself the right questions.

Such as:

  1. How much older should my biological child be than my oldest adopted child? Our biological child was four and a half years older than our oldest adopted child and there was still aggression and abusiveness from the adopted child.
  2. Do I want to put my biological children through the emotional and physical difficulties of adoption?
  3. Can my biological child handle this change and come out on the other side mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically safe and a better person? This decision isn’t only the parent’s experience – it is everyone’s.
  4. Do I as the parent have the ability to see that everyone is successful in the adoption experience?
  5. Do I have the ability to help all my children talk through their feelings? If I don’t, am I willing to get help if we need it?
  6. How will I handle the abusiveness, aggressive symptoms or disorders towards anyone in our family?
  7. Am I living in the delusion that everyone will just love each other and if I just love longer and harder all will be ok? Of course love concurs all! This is deceptive thinking. Too many adoptive parents just want to try harder or don’t think they need help. Therefore, too many adopted children don’t get timely help.

Get Help:

Please don’t fall into category number seven above. RAD adopted children won’t accept love or bonding so therefore you will need help from someone. Bonding is so important if your adopted child is to grow and mature the way they should.


        Ask yourself the questions above if you’re considering adoption. Get help if you have adopted and find yourself in an aggressive or abusive situation. It is not too late to get help.

Thanks for listening. I’ll be here again next week. Until then…

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Control: | Abba Father's Love

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