Making It a Win-Win with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

 

Making It a Win-Win:

 

Intro:

        Hello. I’m Laurie and I’m glad you’re reading this post. I like to encourage parents who have foster and adopted children or children with behavioral issues. Please read some of my other posts.

My last post was about RAD and a simple twist of fate. You’ll have to read it to appreciate the encouraging content. Take a second and check it out.

Today I am going to share on a topic which I have discovered in some of my Life Coaching sessions. I call it a win-win scenario and it seems to be helpful. I hope it will be helpful to you in your journey with RAD.

 

What Do I Mean by Win-Win?

        I need to lay a foundation first before any understanding of the win-win model will make sense. Every RAD adopted child I have had the honor of Life Coaching has an incredible need to make life a win for themselves and a loss for everyone else. In general, but not in every situation, the win-win model should be the model of choice. There are some situations where this is not feasible.

I use this model to remind RAD children of how it was a win-lose for them when their birth parents gave them away. Meaning, it is a win for their birth parent because they are too selfish (drug addiction, don’t want to be bothered with children, etc.) to parent them and they just wanted to be free of parental responsibility. So, that makes it a loss for their child who now has to be put up for adoption.

Adopted children seem to have a common attitude of self-pity. Justifiably so in some areas. I understand the deep wounding connected to the loss of family relationships and not being loved. But, self-pity is only helpful for a short period of time and then it becomes a deterrent rather than benefit to their state in life.

The problem is RAD adopted children like to milk self-pity for all it’s worth. Their self-pity drives them to always win and make it a loss for everyone else. This doesn’t go over very well for the other person and the RAD child then is usually friendless.

RAD adopted children have a hard time putting themselves in another’s shoes because of their desire for pity and the win-lose model. To make it a win-win is foreign to them because they think others are already winning. They can’t get away from believing they lost out on everything.

 

Sharing About the Win-Win Way of Life with the RAD Adopted Child:

In my Life Coaching sessions I explain to them they received the win-lose model when their birth parents gave them away. It was a win for their birth parents and a loss for them. We talk about how that made them feel to be on the lose end of the relationship. It touches the deepest part of their feelings because it is where their wounding started – causing great damage to their heart.

I gently bring to their attention they are being like their birth parents by always making win-lose model situations in their relationships. This helps them take a second look at the intentions of their heart. Sometimes it triggers a motivation to change their approach to a win-win model.

Some RAD children still “don’t care” and that tells me they are agreeing with some very serious lies and vows. This “don’t care” is pretty accurate evidence of a severely broken heart. I then proceed with some interesting questions about their heart which they probably wouldn’t have allowed beforehand. If they allow, I then minister to their broken heart which is so wonderfully powerful.

 

Conclusion:

        I would love to have a conversation about this subject. So, please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. If you would like my help via. a Life Coaching session – I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com It would be my pleasure to help in this way!

Well, that’s all for today. Have a great week! Until next week…

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RAD is a Simple Twist of Fate?

RAD is a Simple Twist of Fate?

(RAD= Reactive Attachment Disorder):

  

Intro:

        Hello again. I can’t believe another week has passed. I’m Laurie and I want this post to encourage adoptive and foster families. I want to help these families heal.

My last post was about knowing who you are when your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children charm and engage others against you through lying. This is so difficult to navigate through. Please check out my last post.

Today I am going to talk about a simple twist of fate as it applies in a couple ways to RAD. I am a firm believer that fate has a much deeper meaning than most people believe. I believe fate is a precursor to destiny.

 

What Does Fate Have To Do With RAD?

If you are an adoptive parent you probably already know you have the children you were supposed to have. Maybe you don’t know this. Maybe things are very difficult right now and you are wondering if you have what your adopted children need to make it to their adulthood? Either way is fate involved?

I am a believer in Psalm 139:13-16 “For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.”

I know when my husband and I were going through the toughest time with our two adopted children – I questioned why we adopted. I asked myself if I had what they needed to help them mature into adults. I completely understand when adoptive parents begin to question their parental abilities. It takes so much more inner strength to parent an adopted RAD child compared to parenting a biological child to adulthood. I can say this because we parented both.

According to the scripture in the above paragraph God already planned for you to adopt and have the children you have – along with all the challenges. It is all written in His book about your life (see scripture above). So, with that out of the way then the questions to pose to yourself or to God would be:

  1. What was the purpose of adopting these particular children?
  2. How does this connect to my destiny?”

 

I’m Glad You Asked: (lol)

        Sometimes we forget who is really in charge. That would be God. God gives us problems we are to figure out. When we get in difficult situations in our life it is always to learn about ourselves, others and God. Our difficulties cause us to search out the solution. Then we can help others with the same problem.

Through figuring all this out – we get the honor of fulfilling our book and therefore our destiny. I believe when we accomplish our book (destiny) we live the fullest most satisfying life we can possibly have. God plans our books according to what our own personal desires would be delighted to fulfill.

Hopefully our children will someday discover the same fate about their book (destiny). In the meanwhile – we as their parents need to grasp onto this concept so we are not so frustrated in the middle of our situations. Our fate is the destiny of our book.

 

Conclusion:

I understand this is a point of view you probably have never considered but I urge you to reconsider. What about your situation? Can you learn from and help the next person? Please take some time to think it out.

If you need help about the concept of this post I would love to help. Just leave a comment in the comment section. Thanks!

See you here again next week. God bless! Until next time…

Knowing Who You Are When Your Adopted Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children Lie to Manipulate Others Against You:

Knowing Who You Are:

 

Intro:

Hi all. I’m Laurie and I write this blog for the sake of helping parents who have children with behavioral, foster and adoptive issues. There is a disorder connected to some adopted children called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and I have written many posts on this subject. Please check some out.

My last post was about learning to stay at peace when there are adopted RAD children in your house. I discussed many things. Please have a look at my last post.

Today I am going to discuss a very difficult topic that effects many foster and adoptive families because of the effects of RAD. It is difficult because these RAD adopted children are so free to charm others and lie about their adoptive families.

 

RAD Symptoms:

I have written a few posts listing the RAD symptoms. I will put a link right here for you to check one out. Two of the RAD symptoms are being charming and engaging with others, and lying. These two symptoms can cause the adoptive family much harm if the adoptive parents don’t know who they are and what RAD is about.

Charming and engaging:

These adopted RAD children have mastered the ability of getting their needs met. Many times they do this by emotionally manipulating or “pulling the heart strings” of those around them. This is where the charming and engaging behaviors are found. They want people to feel sorry for them so therefore deceive others into seeing their adoptive parents as ogres who are controlling them.

If you are reading this post and you are an adoptive parent – I encourage you to purposefully understand who you are because these children will do whatever it takes to try and ruin your reputation and take your identity. If your adopted child has the diagnosis of RAD then you may need to consider letting the administration of their school know. Educate them on the symptoms of RAD.

Lying:

RAD children have no qualms with lying to get what they want. Some of them are pathological liars for the sake of delighting themselves. I have seen them say their adoptive parents are molesting or abusing them or aren’t feeding them or providing for them to get a chuckle at the drama they cause.

Now there are some cases where the adoptive parents are doing these things but there are some cases where RAD is the culprit and the adoptive parents are brought up on charges. Again, educate your RAD child’s teachers and school authorities about RAD.

 

My Point:

        It is also important to educate yourself about RAD before you adopt if that is where you are at in the adoption process. If you are farther along then please know who you are because RAD children can make you look very bad in your circle of influence and friends. Their charming and lying behaviors can change other’s opinion of you bringing much heart ache and pain to you and your family. You have get to know who you are and how you are going to act in order to move forward if RAD troubles happen to you. It will save you so much grief!

 

Conclusion:

Getting to know who you are includes allowing the Trinity’s opinion to dominate your understanding of your character. God’s opinion of you is the loving truth. Only you (if you have a good opinion of yourself) and God get to decide you’re identity and character. God will always lovingly call the good out of you. So should you. Your RAD child or society don’t get to vote on the subject.

I will be here again next week. Blessings to you and yours! Until then…

Can There Be Peace With Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children?

Can There Be Any Peace with RAD Children?

 

Intro:

Hello everyone. I am the creator of this blog and my name is Laurie. I love encouraging parents who have children with behavioral, foster and adopted children. You’ll find many of my posts are on these topics.

My last post was on the subject of adoptive fathers and adoption support groups. It is interesting how men chose to get out of meetings. So, if that is happening with you and your husband, please take a moment to read my last post.

Today I am going to talk on the subject of peace in the home when there are children with behavioral, foster, adoption or RAD issues. Peace can be hard to find in these situations. So, what can we do about it?

 

Children Who Live Outside Of Peace:

        The children with these issues are never peaceful inside. They also seem to take it upon themselves to make sure the whole house is in chaos. If there isn’t chaos in the home then they create it in order to make the atmosphere outside their bodies in as much of a jumble as their insides.

In doing this they cause everyone who live with them to feel chaos too. I’m sure there are times when adoptive mothers feel a sense of relief when their children start back to school after a long summer of constant chaos. I don’t blame you and encourage you to not feel guilty for having these feelings. I’m pretty sure every mother with children who have behavioral and adoption RAD problems feel the same way.

With that all said, let’s unpack some things. Do we have to live outside of peace when we are parenting these children? Is peace attainable? If it is -how do we get it?

 

How Do We Find Peace?

        If you have read any of my posts I’m sure you see that I am a Christian and approach things from a Christian vantage point. Also, this is my post and I am allowed to say what I want to say from the point of freedom of speech. So, here is my take on peace and living with these challenging children.

If you have a child who has behavioral or RAD behaviors then I’m sure you understand that peace isn’t part of their being because of the trauma, pain and rejection they have experienced. So, expecting them to be peaceful without their hearts being healed is not a reasonable expectation. They want chaos because it feels familiar to them.

If these children are set on chaos then it will be in the atmosphere of the home. They do all they can to stir everyone up. Then the only time the atmosphere of the home may feel peaceful is when they go to bed at night.

So, what is left that can be peaceful? Well, the answer to that is your inner being. The way I found any constant peace was inside myself. I found it with the help of spending time praying, meditating and getting to know the Trinity. The Trinity is Father God, Jesus (Father God’s Son) and the Holy Spirit which the Holy Bible teaches about.

When I spend time with them they help me know who I am, who they are and who they are for me. It puts everything into perspective and alignment. I am then peaceful inside instead of the chaos around me dominating who I am and robbing me of peace.

While developing my inner peace I journaled about everything and got to know who I was and what I was going to allow into the space inside me where peace and the Jesus reside. This peace can be found by anyone if they decide to let the Trinity into their lives and accept Jesus into their heart.

 

Conclusion:

        If you want to let the Trinity into your life – I would love to help you with this. Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. I would love to help.

Enough for today. I will be back again next week. Until then…

Men and Adoption Support Groups

Men and Adoption Support Groups

 

Intro:

Hi. I am Laurie – the creator of this blog. I love to write on all topics of adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Many of the issues I write on have to do with foster children too. Please read some of my posts.

My last post was on adoptive mothers simplifying their lives in three areas. Sometimes it is a matter of giving ourselves permission to simplify. Please check out this post for helpful ideas.

Today I am going to talk about men and adoptive support groups. This is a very tricky topic. So, read further for a laugh or two and some encouragement.

 

Do You Have a Support Group?

        If you are an adoptive family and have a RAD child – I highly recommend attending a parental adoption support group. I lead two groups and we have so much fun being together and sharing. It would be to your benefit to find support and comradery from others who are going through the same situations you find you’re facing. It is soothing to the soul.

 

Where are the Men?

It is harder to get adoptive fathers to support group meetings. In my situation it is due to one of my groups meeting in the morning. Since most men work – it is hard for them to attend.

But, my other support group meets in the evening and the wives say their husbands are watching the children so they can come. This is a very generous thing to do!! But the men are not finding comradery or help in the area of fathering an RAD adopted child.

 

Ways Around the Problem:

        If there is food – the men will come. Men vote with their stomachs and feet. My husband and I just hosted a dinner at our house cordially inviting the men and women from both of my support groups. I shared my heart in the area of wanting to get to know them and what the women and I have discovered about ourselves and our children. I also shared what I have been discovering about healing RAD.

We had such a great time together and the men especially enjoyed the food. A couple men asked questions about my husband’s and my journey with RAD and the process of healing RAD. My husband shared his perspective of being the adoptive father and what that entailed when our children acted out their RAD and abused me. It was enlightening for the men in particular because the women already shared their points of view in our previous meetings.

The subject came up about having the men attend a quarterly evening meeting which would include food. Most of the men seemed agreeable. I feel it is unreasonable to expect the men to share feelings but when a man (my husband) can share and be real and a bit emotional about what has happened in our home – the other men took notice.

 

Boiling It Down:

1)  Have the men attend the meeting quarterly if they haven’t been coming regularly

2)  Have food (quickest way to a man’s heart)

3)  Include dessert (it’s all about the food)

4)  Have a man share his journey

5)  Allow the men to ask questions

6)  Laugh together about how RAD is so messed up

7)  Accept each other where we are at

 

Conclusion:

        Well, this is all I have to say on this topic. I hope it was helpful especially if you are starting or going to start a support group. I know we thoroughly enjoyed each other while building friendships over food and a common problem.

Please leave a comment in the comment section of this blog. Have a good week and God bless. See you here next week. Until then…