Adoptive Mother’s – Simplify

Simplify

Intro:

Hello everyone. I’m here with another perspective about adoptive mothers and the expectations we put on this role as it pertains to an adoptive or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) child. I have many posts in this blog which are on this subject. Please take some time to read some.

My last three posts were about discovering the personality of our adopted RAD child. I gave traits and blind spots of seven personality possibilities which your child may have. Your child could have a combination of a couple of the personality traits. Please check my last three posts to find out your child’s personality.

Today I am going to talk about what adoptive mother’s need to do to simplify. It is a bitter sweet topic. Please read further to understand what I mean.

Three Simplifications I want to talk about today:

  1. Simplifying your schedule
  2. Simplify your expectations
  3. Simplifying your expectations of society

 

Simplifying your schedule:

        Every time summer rolls around I try to write a post on your child’s summer schedule. These RAD adopted/foster children need to expend their energy on something other than harassing and punishing the adopted mother. Let them expend their energy on a sport, art media, or job (if they are old enough), etc.

Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, need a regular break from the adopted children in order to revitalize and rest. The schedule for the adopted children can be divided up between the adopted fathers and mothers. This will simplify the adopted mother’s schedule so she can get some rest and have a break from the adopted child’s abuse.

 

Simplify Your Expectations:

        Adoptive mothers, please listen to what I’m going to say. It will save your heart much grief and heart ache… Many times an adopted RAD child can’t accept your love or give you love. They are angry their birth mom gave them away and are very hurt about it all. Because of this, they refuse to let anyone close and they won’t get close to anyone. It is the adopted mother who gets all the adopted child’s revenge against the birth mother because the adoptive mother is the closest thing to being their birth mother.

Sadly, it is hard to give up any hope our children will love us but if your child has RAD – I encourage you to give up this expectation. Even if you love harder and longer and are a saint in the patience department – they will not budge and it is not your fault. It will allow your heart to heal or save your heart much heart break if you can see your child as unable to love properly or at all.

 

Simplify expectations of Society:

Society will not understand parenting a RAD adopted child. They feel the typical parenting style works with all children. So, let go of the belief that society will understand in any dimension.

This is a topic which takes constant forgiveness from you towards society. They have never walked in our shoes and until they do – very few if any understand. Fighting this battle is fruitless. Forgiveness is a must if you don’t want to be bitter.

You’ll find the same goes for some family members. To them parenting is the right way for all children and arguing with them is fruitless. Instead, find friends who can lend a listening ear and a sensitive heart and share with them. Many times these friends can be found in adoptive support groups. An adoptive support group is a good place to be understood, vent your feelings and find comradery.

 

Conclusion:

        Hope this was helpful. It is always good to reconnect in the area of simplicity. Have a good week. Until next week…

       

 

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See Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DNA Gifting – Part Three:

See Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting:

 

Intro:

Greetings! I’m Laurie and I write this post for foster and adoptive families. Many of these families are broken due to a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Please take a look at some of my posts to understand why.

My last post was the second post of this three part series of posts. I have been talking about the gifts listed in Rom. 12:6-8. I refer to them as spiritual DNA gifts and they are basically personalities. Check out my last two posts because they will help you understand this post more fully.

Today I am finishing up this series of posts and will talk about the last three DNA gifts. Then I will bring everything to a conclusion. This will hopefully give you a better picture of your adopted child’s personality even though they are acting out RAD symptoms.

 

Giver Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Values freedom and independence but doesn’t enjoy extended times of being alone
  2. Likes to stay adaptable, flexible and spontaneous. Will not commit until they have to because things may change
  3. Seeks community to create a new thing
  4. Resourceful
  5. Love the old and new
  6. Relentless and doesn’t easily take no for an answer
  7. Wants to leave a legacy
  8. Driven by preparing the way for their family and others after them
  9. Mixture of intuitive and analytical
  10. Security and safety are important
  11. Presentation is important and likes everything in its place
  12. Has favor in the marketplace – bargains, good deals or discounts
  13. Gives wisely, not impulsively
  14. Is a peacemaker
  15. Can work with people with conflicting views

Blindsopts:

  1. May see money as security causing then to be territorial with their resources. May have conflict if their family feel resources are withheld from them while spending money on other people or things
  2. Loses track of time easily
  3. They communicate with more intentionality than they realize
  4. Can be perceived as pushy, manipulative and dishonoring

 

Ruler strengths, Weakness and Blindspots:

  1. Great team leader. Inspires a group to own a problem based on loyalty
  2. Delegates to others on the team. Loves thinking through logistics
  3. Can mobilize a large group to accomplish a task. They know when to push, inspire, command and lead in situations.
  4. Natural implementer.
  5. Thrives under pressure and puts others around them under the same pressure.
  6. Is skilled in time management
  7. Interested in how – not why and is not a visionary
  8. Can do a great amount of work with resources given them
  9. Adaptable to changing circumstances and has a backup plan
  10. Values loyalty and relationship more than competence per se. Can use imperfect people and draws the best out of them without allowing their brokenness to damage the objective
  11. See no value in blaming themselves or others
  12. Does not need affirmation from others
  13. Their task-orientation can seem intense and unfeeling to others
  14. They do what is practical and expedient
  15. Has a heart for the people on their team

Blindspots:

  1. Self-reliance
  2. Struggle with focus
  3. Because they are goal-oriented they can become too focused on the task and fail to consider the feelings of those around them
  4. They may be applying pressure without moderation, causing unnecessary stress on the team members and family
  5. They may believe the end justifies the means

 

Mercy Strengths, Weaknesses and Blondspots:

  1. Loves beauty, sights, sounds, rhythm, fragrance, harmony of heaven and earth.
  2. Loves to soak in God’s presence
  3. Moves through life at a slower pace
  4. Needs time to emotionally transition from one thing or place to the next
  5. Takes God’s presence into everyday situations where the blessing of His presence can change the spiritual climate of a conversation or a room
  6. Desires intimacy in all forms. Craves heart connections in relationships. Desires hugs and physical contact. This can bring increased risk of wounding in relationships
  7. Sensitive to alignment and know when things are not in alignment
  8. Intuitively synchronizes people and things.
  9. Is a safe person to be around
  10. Has emotional radar
  11. Makes decisions based on their heart and their intuition
  12. Hears God but has difficulty explaining it to others
  13. Huge amount of friends but few very close friends
  14. Hates to confront.
  15. May appear indecisive because they don’t want to hurt somebody
  16. May have a deep strain of anger. Tends to take up an offense for a third party
  17. Can have a fierce stubborn streak when they know what they want, when they want it, and how they want it.

Blindspots:

  1. May see all pain as bad. May flee from pain and keep others from discipline that is intended to build maturity
  2. Can be a people-pleaser and enabler
  3. May do whatever is necessary to make people around them happy with them. May be willing to live with holy and unholy without calling people to do what is right
  4. May attract abuse and exploitation because of their kindness, niceness, and willingness to allow injustice to happen
  5. Desire for intimacy and physical touch may lead to impurity

 

Conclusion:

        For the sake of our children’s destiny – it is important to look beyond RAD, foster, adoption, and behavioral issues to their personality. They have one or a combination of these seven gifts written in ROM. 12:6-8. It is a matter of looking for the diamonds in their make up amongst the dirt that is showing (RAD symptoms). Please take some time and go through these three posts to find your child’s personality and while you are there – find yours too. It will help everyone in the family understand each other better.

See you here again next week. God bless your week. Until next time…

Seeing Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DMA Gifting – Part Two

Seeing Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting

 

Intro:

Hi there! I write this blog because I like helping adoptive and foster families. My posts are intended to encourage and give real life examples of life with orphaned children. Please have a look at some of my posts.

My last post was about what is expressed in the title above and I shared about the prophetic gifts found in Rom. 12:6-8. I gave several personality traits that go along with this gift. Please check it out.

Today I am going to continue with the second, third and fourth gifts and the personality traits that go with them. The purpose is for you to see if your adopted or foster child has one or a combination of one or two of these gifts which make up their personality.

The second, third and fourth gifts are servant, teacher and exhorter (in that order). I will give strengths and weaknesses for each gift. Each gift also has blind spots.

 

Servant Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Wants to make people feel welcomed
  2. Sees external needs and wants to meet them and has a hard time saying no to helping others
  3. Are very practical
  4. Loves to be life-giving to others
  5. Wants to be behind the scenes and not in the spotlight
  6. Wants to be part of the team and is extremely loyal
  7. Wants clear instructions
  8. Remembers likes and dislikes of others
  9. Will do what others won’t step up to do
  10. Wants short term not open ended projects
  11. Attracts dishonor and shame especially from family
  12. Is competitive

Blindspots:

  1. Struggles to affirm themselves or receive affirmation from others. Repeatedly apologizes
  2. Makes excuses to justify bad behavior from others. Can be enablers. They spoil children by meeting too many needs.
  3. Struggles with shame and can believe they are a victim.
  4. Can become exhausted by meeting the needs of others.

 

Teacher Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Has a passion for truth. Needs to validate facts for themselves
  2. Wants first hand details
  3. Enjoys learning new things and sharing it with others
  4. Prefers old, established and validated ways
  5. Has a deep commitment to family and tradition
  6. Always is wary of deception. New truth is viewed initially with suspicion
  7. Processes slowly and avoids risk
  8. Tends to procrastinate in certain areas of their life
  9. Usually the last one to speak in a group
  10. Sense of humor and quick-witted
  11. Slows down impulsive people who jump to conclusions. Is not easily swayed from the truth
  12. Asks lots of questions, trying to establish the truth
  13. Doesn’t like to impose responsibility onto others which can lead to not confronting sin

Blindspot:

  1. The need to analyze and the endless questions can be tiresome and wearisome to others. They can feel not trusted
  2. Passion for knowledge and sharing knowledge can come across as intellectual superiority
  3. May seem passive because they give chance after chance
  4. Struggles with timeliness and responsibility in selective areas

 

Exhorter Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. People oriented and has never met a stranger
  2. Get their energy from being with others
  3. Has a God given ability to love people
  4. Brings laughter into all situations
  5. Tactful and has dreams and vision on a big scale
  6. Excellent public speaker and uses stories to communicate to others – which is how they share wisdom
  7. Natural at evangelism
  8. Networks and teams with others well
  9. Is able to disagree without alienating others. Skilled at reconciliation
  10. Able to speak to people in a gracious way to bring them along
  11. Motivated by relationship, persuasion and approval of people
  12. Their schedule is full and has a commanding presence
  13. Can be perceived by others as being superficial or compensating because of their humor and ability to work the room
  14. The depth and wisdom in them is not always appreciated due to their light-heartedness

Blindsopts:

  1. Lacks discipline of time
  2. People pleasing and accommodating. May fail to confront because they don’t want to cause offense.
  3. May promise more than they intended
  4. Because of their big personality they can easily become the focus of attention

Conclusion:

        Come back next week for the last three spiritual DNA gifts. Ill wrap everything up having to do with this series of posts. Until then…

See Past Your Child’s RAD to their Gift – Part 1

Seeing Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DNA Gifting – Part One:

Intro:

        Hello everyone! I am Laurie and I love to help families who are broken as a result of RAD symptoms from their adopted children. I didn’t have a clue when RAD invaded our family, but now I write this blog to help other families who are going through the shattering results of RAD. Please check out my other posts and you will understand what I mean.

My last post was about being a martyr vs. being a parent. It’s true, as parents we give unconditionally to our children but were not to do it in martyr mode. Please take a moment to read my last post.

Today I am going to write the first part of a three part series of posts. I want to lay the foundation in this first post. Then I will expand on the gifts listed in Rom. 12:6-8 to develop an understanding of the type of gifting (or personality) your child might have hidden behind their RAD.

 

Rom. 12:6-8:

Rom. 12:6-8 – “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

 

There are seven gifts (personalities) in the verse above:

  1. Prophet
  2. Servant
  3. Teacher
  4. Encourager/Exhorter
  5. Giver
  6. Leader/Ruler
  7. Mercy

 

Each gifting, as I see it, is a personality type which has strengths and weaknesses. They all have different ways of looking at life. I am going to go through each gift (personality) and give the highlights. Most of the information for all three posts (in this series of posts) are taken from the Elizabeth and Sylvia Gunther “Free to be me” gift test booklet.

I understand RAD is magnified in our adopted children. But finding our child’s personality beyond the symptoms of RAD is necessary. Their personality helps them fit into what God created them to do on this planet.

I will go through the list above in numerical order and describe the gift (personality type). Hopefully the descriptions will help you recognize some personality traits your child has even if their RAD is raging. I will start my descriptions in this post and finish in the next two posts with a concludion at the end.

 

Prophet – Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Sees the patterns in life and often knows when they see something happening again like it has happened before
  2. Sees all situations in black or white. There is no middle ground. This can be a strength or a weakness depending on the situation
  3. Sees the big picture but not the process of steps to get there
  4. Can make a decision within ten seconds
  5. Faith comes easily
  6. Wants to know what is on Father God’s heart
  7. Wants to know what is over the next hill of life and where we’re going
  8. Likes to get projects off their plate – even doing an all-nighter in order to do it.
  9. Is independent in many ways
  10. Gains strength from alone time
  11. Likes to be in God’s presence
  12. Is a visionary with many ideas
  13. Is a natural born leader
  14. Is opinionated
  15. Hates maintaining the status quo
  16. Is intense and has the largest range of emotions

Blindspots:

  1. If not careful, they can damage relationships. They need to overlook others failures and weaknesses which can lead them into un-forgiveness and bitterness.
  2. Words and actions are stronger than they intend
  3. Passion and drive can turn into criticism, judgement and ingratitude

 

Conclusion:

        Next week I will post part two to this three part series of posts. I will share on the servant, teacher and exhorter. Please come back in order to discover your child’s gift (personality).

I would love to help so please leave a comment in the comment box. Ill be back here next week. Until then…