Being Adoptive Parents to Reactive Attachment Disorder RAD) Children – Not Martyrs

Being Adoptive Parents – Not Martyrs:

 

Intro:

Hi, I’m Laurie. I write this blog with a huge heart to help adoptive and foster families navigate through adoption issues. I know it is a difficult road at times and I have written helpful posts on many adoption subjects. Please have a look.

My last post was on the topics of emotional trauma and PTSD. Adoptive parents can develop PTSD as a result of their RAD child’s abusiveness. Please take a moment to read this post. If you or someone you know are dealing with PTSD – my last post will be helpful.

Maybe you don’t know what you are dealing with concerning your adopted child. Then my posts will be beneficial in the process of discovering what can happen in an adoptive family. Maybe you’ll find your answer.

Today I am going to talk about the subject of being a martyr vs. a parent. Read further to find out what I mean. Let’s build some boundaries of parenting.

 

Martyr definitions: (definition taken from my phone dictionary app.)

Martyr =

1)  One who makes a great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.

2)  One who endures great suffering

Parent =

1)  A person who adopts a child

2)  A guardian; a protector

3)  To act as a parent to; raise and nurture

 

We are Adoptive parents not Martyrs:

         I write this post in response to last week’s post. We as parents are not to accept behaviors from our RAD adopted children that cause us to live in PTSD or martyrdom. The disorder of RAD is our adopted child’s disorder and we did not cause them to be RAD. It is not our parental requirement to accept their blame, RAD symptoms or manipulative tactics. These issues are theirs only.

Parents, we are to be the very best parent to our adopted RAD children but there is a distinct difference between being a parent and being a martyr. Parenting is for preparing our children to go out into the world to be productive citizens to society. Being a martyr is so much more than parenting requires. RAD children demand sacrifices from parents that keep them fixated on themselves and this is never a good scenario.

It develops children who are narcissistic and demand chronic martyrdom from their parents. We do sacrificially give in some areas having to do with our time, talents and finances but I think we can all understand the difference of parenting and the martyrdom our narcissistic RAD children demand.

Being a martyr parent who sacrifices and suffers causes our adopted RAD children’s narcissism to strengthen into a disorder. The last thing our RAD child needs is another disorder. Our children need to learn and mature into taking responsibility for their own actions and life.

As our children grow, THEY need to put more effort into what they want than we do. They need to invest their time, talent and finances into their own future which is a sign of true maturity. This develops the ability to handle life and go after their own destiny with graditude.

I have seen too many parents revert to martyrdom (enduring great suffering and sacrificing) only to produce narcissism and selfishness in their adopted children. Above is the definition of being a parent. We are to raise, nurture, protect and guard our children. We are to give them all the love we have and bring them into maturity. We are not to suffer and sacrifice greatly to the point of martyrdom.

 

Conclusion:

If you want help with this subject could you please leave a comment in the comment box. I would love to help. I am glad to answer any question you have if I have the answer. Thanks!

If you would like some deeper help, I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Please leave a message and I will get back to you. Have a great week and I will have another post next week. Until then…

Adoptive Parents, Reactive Attachment, Disorder (RAD) and PTSD from Emotional Trauma

Adoptive Parents, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and PTSD:

 

Intro:

Hello – I am Laurie. My intention for this blog is to prompt discussion with adoptive parents who have behavioral, adopted and foster issues in their children. Please read some of my posts. I’m sure you’ll find them helpful.

My last post was focused on two RAD symptoms. These symptoms affect adoptive fathers and their faithfulness towards their wives. Please check it out.

I have recently read up on PTSD and its effects on adoptive parents. Today I am going to write on my perspective about this subject. I know it helped me understand the process of living with someone who has RAD which causes PTSD to developing in the adoptive parents.

 

PTSD: (definition found on my dictionary app on my phone)

         PTSD = Post-traumatic stress disorder – an anxiety disorder associated with serious traumatic events and characterized by such symptoms as survival guilt, reliving the trauma in dreams, numbness and lack of involvement with reality, or recurrent thoughts and images.

 

Adoptive Parents of RAD Children and Emotional Trauma Causing PTSD:

         Last year I found some research which showed fourteen things everyone should know about emotional trauma. One of the fourteen things is PTSD. I have since done some added research and have found adoptive parents can develop PTSD as a result of living with the constant emotional trauma of RAD from their adopted child. It makes sense when it takes four to six weeks of being in a trauma situation to develop this disorder. So, let’s revisit research I found last year. (See below)

 

Definition of Emotional Trauma: Trauma is a shock or severe distress from experiencing a disastrous event outside the range of usual experience (such as rape or military combat). Any wrenching or distressing experience, especially one causing a disturbance in normal functioning. A powerful shock that may have long-lasting effects.

 

14 Things Everyone Should Know About Emotional Trauma:

1)  The traumatized person is in thought about the trauma events regularly

2)  They worry about what is going to happen next

3)  Traumatizing situations longer than four to six weeks can produce PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

4)  Trauma doesn’t always mean violence – for example: divorce, being bullied, a move or being overscheduled can cause emotional trauma

5)  It can cause insomnia, nightmares, or a racing heartbeat

6)  The person can feel disconnected or numb

7)  They can have a hard time learning or concentrating when stressed

8)  Trauma causes emotional shattering to the heart

9)  It can cause anger, irritability, sadness, mood swings, hopelessness chest pains and fatigue

10)              The person lives in guilt, shame and self-blame

11)              They withdraw from others

12)              Trauma can cause a person to trigger to noise, smells, etc.

13)              It causes the person to startle easily

14)              They live in fear, anxiety and/or terror

 

Do You Have These Symptoms?

         If you feel you have the above symptoms of triggering to noises, sounds, smells, etc., there is a chance you have PTSD. This may be due to living with your adopted RAD child’s symptoms longer than four to six weeks. RAD causes such upheaval in the home and emotional trauma to the adoptive parents. Maybe you can get some help if you relate to the symptoms.

If you do want help, find a specialist in your area who has worked with PTSD and has had success bringing healing. If you can’t find someone then maybe I can help. In the life coaching center I work at we have had success helping PTSD victims and we would love to help you. I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Contact me and we can talk about how to set up sessions for you.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, that is all for today. Hope you were encouraged and if this doesn’t directly pertain to you maybe you could refer someone to us that can use our help. Blessing and have a great week! Until next time…

Adoptive Father Faithfulness When Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children are at Work

Adoptive Father Faithfulness When Reactive Attachment Disorder Children are at Work:

        

Intro:

Hello everyone! I am here with another post to encourage adoptive and foster families. Please take a little time to read some of my posts. They are intended to help the families of behavioral, foster and adopted children who have issues.

My last post was for the parents of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children when it comes to summer and needing a break. Summers can be very challenging especially for the adoptive mother. Please check my last post out.

Today I am going to specifically talk to adoptive fathers. I want to talk about RAD symptoms and how they affect everyone in the family. My heart is to bring some light to a couple of the RAD symptoms and how they relate directly to adoptive fathers.

 

I Hear This Over and Over:

         I’m not going to mince any words in this post. Adoptive mothers share (in my support groups) how the adoptive fathers are wrapped around their adopted RAD child’s finger to the point the adoptive mother is taken out of the place and role she is to have in the home. Adopted Fathers wake up!!

Two of the symptoms of RAD are:

  1. The adopted RAD child has charming behavior in public and with the adoptive father and is the total opposite at home with the adoptive mother
  2. The adopted RAD child triangulates

Take some time and look into the symptoms of RAD on line. You will find quite a list of them. This will bring understanding to all of the behaviors you are witnessing in your adopted RAD child.

 

Charming Behavior:

Fathers please watch your RAD adopted children in public. They will put on such an act of sweetness. I know because my husband and I would have parents from other tables at a restaurant come over and tell us how well behaved and sweet our two adopted RAD children were. I would almost fall off my chair.

If you watch – your children will target you (fathers) and do the same to you. They want to get you to believe your wife is against them and they need your help because they are so helpless. They know if they get you on their side against your wife it won’t be long till there is a divorce and their “competition” is gone. Then they will be King or Queen of the house. Then you want to watch your back.

 

Triangulating:

Triangulation is when your adopted RAD child will try and divide you and your wife on issues. They want the two of you to have opposing views. OR they want to get your wife out of the house so they can move into the role your wife is supposed to have. Sometimes they want your wife to die or want to kill her. Other times they want you to think your wife is crazy.

 

Adoptive Fathers:

In the support groups I lead I regularly hear about how easily the fathers are manipulated and controlled by the adopted child. The mothers are so frustrated and say they are being cheated not only out of the God given role of mother but out of the protection and relationship they used to have with their husbands!

Father’s, as you research the effects of RAD symptoms also research the rate of divorce in a family whose children are adopted and have RAD. The statistics are astounding and I don’t want your family to be a statistic. That would be ridiculous especially if it could have been avoided.

 

Conclusion:

Fathers please get involved for the good of the whole family. Come back to the place of true faithfulness pertaining to being your wife’s friend, lover and confidant. Then get the help your children need.

This is all for today. I hope this post triggers some good conversations between adoptive parents. See you here again next week. Until then…

Summer Balance and Reactive Attachment Disorder:

Summer Balance and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD):

 

Intro:

         Hi all! This is Laurie and I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com It’s my destiny to help parents with children who have behavioral, foster and adoption issues. Please take some time and read some of my posts. There are many topics I have written on.

My last post was about children who use the silent treatment to manipulate and control the home and those who live there. Parents need to see through the silent mind games and manipulations. Please check out my last post.

Today I am going to remind the parents who have RAD children about summer survival. I have written similar posts in the last two years. Today is just a little refresher.

 

Summer:

         If you have a RAD child I suggest that you plan regular times to get out of the house to have some alone time. Plan a weekend trip, salon days, girl’s night out, coffee with a friend, walks in the park, and dates with the spouse. Make these little escapes at regular intervals through the summer.

 

Reason for the Escapes:

RAD children love to take their anger out on the adopted mother. If you have read my posts you will understand adopted RAD children are angry at the birth mother and adoptive mothers are the closest person resembling her. So, we get the privilege of reaping the abusive behavior of the child they gave away. What joy is ours!!

Although we understand this, it still doesn’t make it any easier to have a child treat us with such contempt. This is the reason for consistent breaks and there is nothing wrong with respecting yourself enough to take them.

This also sends a message to our RAD children that we are not frozen by their intentional aggression. Showing them their behavior isn’t getting the results they desire goes a long way in communicating the ineffectiveness of their behavior. Continuing to take breaks shows them the importance of self-care and we all know all these kids need help in that area.

 

Husbands:

I challenge you to see that your wives get the regular rest and breaks they need to make it through the summer. Your adopted children will devise an all-out onslaught on your wife and you need to protect her. Summers for adoptive mothers are very long when a RAD adopted child is in the equation.

If your wife has a favorite friend or sister she likes to spend time with then make it happen for her. Send her away for a couple days. She will be so grateful. Then she will be able to face what is regularly coming at her from your RAD adopted children.

 

Conclusion:

         Adopted children mentally plan what they are going to do to the adoptive mother and then act on it. My two adopted daughters confessed to laying in their beds and thinking about all the awful things they were going to do to me all week. I remember feeling exhausted, abused and I dropped into bed every night.

So mothers, don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself. If you don’t – you’ll crash. Then who will take your place? NO ONE! Do the self-care so you can be in the race for the long run.

Well, that is all for today. I hope the adoptive fathers who are reading this post will engage to help your wife endure the summer. Your wife will think you are her hero.

If you would, please leave a comment in the comment box below. I would love to hear from you!          Come again next week for another post. Blessings to you! Until then…