Silent Treatment and Reactive Attachment Disorder:

Silent Treatment and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD):

 

Intro:

Hello everyone! I am Laurie and I love to help parents who have children with behavioral, foster and adoption issues. My blog is about so many topics concerning these issues. Please take some time to check some out.

My last post was about what is called the Mercy Season. I wrote about some characteristics of and how to participate in this season. Please have a look at my last post to find out more.

Today I want to talk about one of the issues foster and adopted children have which is difficult to live with. That issue is the silent treatment. I have lived through this issue with my adopted children and would love to give some insights.

 

Silent Treatment:

         The silent treatment issue effects the whole family if it is exhibited by the RAD adopted child. It disrupts communication and the adopted child uses it to control everyone in the house. It can be very emotionally damaging to the siblings and adoptive parents. Sometimes they use it on their friends if the friend is trying to challenge them to communicate.

Specifically, if the adopted child has RAD and is doing the silent treatment – you need to understand but not accept the silent treatment as a control behavior against everyone in your house. A RAD adopted child needs to win in the area of not bonding (as I have shared in other posts). They probably feel the person who is trying to communicate with them is trying to get too close and they can’t give that permission.

If a parent, sibling, or friend is challenging them as a means to their healing they are probably insulted because to them it is everyone else’s fault. They don’t or can’t see life with reality, so they dismiss the importance of what anyone is telling them. They usually feel they can only trust their own opinion because they are the only one who is there for themself.

 

What To Do?

         I wouldn’t play into their silent treatment. I didn’t allow the “I don’t know” or the “I don’t care” answers. I didn’t permit the silent shrugging of the shoulders. By the time this was happening in our home my husband and I were getting help for our adopted children.

At times I would have to stand right in their path and intentionally make eye contact with them. I would stand there until I would get a respectful verbal response of some kind. I knew I was the adult and I deserved respect in my own home.

 

Self-Care:

         I also went to the Trinity to talk and get healing care. This type of behavior from our misbehaving children hurts. It is important to acknowledge we are hurt and do something to help ourselves. The masters of healing are Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.

We also need to discover if we have a place in our hearts where someone in our early years has hurt us. If there is a wound we can be potentially susceptible to the same kind of emotional wounding by our RAD children. Our past hurts can trigger the same emotional damage which can happen over and over. It is our responsibility to get our own wounds healed.

 

Suggestion:

         Find help for your adopted or foster children! There are therapists out there who understand adoption RAD, their silent treatment mind games and the damage it can do to a family. Help get your family healed.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, that is all for today. Please leave a comment in the comment section of this post. See you here again next week. Until then…

 

What Does the Mercy Season Have To Do With Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)?

What Does the Mercy Season Have To Do With

     Reactive Attachment Disorder?

 

Intro:

         Greetings! I’m here again with another post I hope will bring insight to the situations you find yourself in. I’m Laurie – the creator of this blog.

My last post was about the shattered heart we call DID. I’m sure you will find something in it to peak your interest. Please check it out.

Today I am going to talk about the Mercy Season. A man named Arthur Burke discovered revelation about the sevens in Biblical scripture and one of these revelations is something called the Mercy Season. Please read further to discover how this applies to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

 

Mercy Season:

         The Hebrew language is a language of imagery and depth of meaning. It is the language used in the Old Testament written with numbers and symbols to bring a broader understanding to the reader if it is studied to the fullest.

The Greek doesn’t go as far in it’s definitions but theologians say the Old Testament is a fore shadowing of what comes in the New Testament. Arthur Burke has done an in depth study of the sevens in all the scriptures and has found some amazing things. One is the seven seasons.

 

The Seven Seasons: (Based on Rom. 12:6-8)

  1. Prophetic
  2. Servant
  3. Teacher
  4. Exhorter
  5. Giver
  6. Ruler
  7. Mercy

Arthur Burke has written about how the church goes through these seasons and at this point we are in the midst of the Mercy Season. There are characteristics each season carries. For the sake of keeping this post to a reasonable length – I am only going to share on the Mercy Season. If you want more information on the other seasons – google Arthur Burke and get some of his resources concerning redemptive gifts.

 

Characteristics of the Mercy Season: 

     In the Mercy Season we can depend on certain characteristics attached to this season and here is a list of what they are:

  1. This is a season about the beauty in creation. We are to enjoy the sights and sounds, fragrances, and rhythm of God’s creation.
  2. The Mercy Season is a time to move slower to absorb the deeper things of life and what is on God’s heart.
  3. We are to soak in God’s presence – taking ample time to be with Him.
  4. This is the season for the presence of God to manifest in all our situations
  5. To purposefully draw closer to God and others with the heart of connecting in relationship
  6. Alignment to God and what is on His heart is important
  7. Is a season of safety

(There are more characteristics but I’m just going to focus on these)

 

How Does the Mercy Season connect to RAD?

If we are in the season God has established in His timing we are able to tap into the authority of the season. The Mercy Season is a season of rest. It is a season of connection and covenant relationship through spending time with God similar to the seventh day of creation.

On the seventh day of creation God spent the day with Adam and Eve and rested. They had God’s full attention and they fellowshipped together. Imagine the power of resting with the Almighty. It is a Holy time of connectedness and finding rest in the Father’s love.

So, how does this apply to RAD? Well, if you are reading this post and have a RAD child you understand rest is the last feeling which comes to your mind. But, if the Mercy Season is what is on the Father’s heart then invite the Father’s Mercy Season into the atmosphere of your home. Agree with the time and season God is in and welcome the authority the Father carries to cover your home with the anointing of the seventh day of creation. Then see what happens.

 

Conclusion:

I understand this concept is out there for some of you. But if you believe in Father God (the Father of Jesus), don’t you want to be in His season and in alignment with Him in all things? If so, we are in the season of Mercy. Join in the authority of what that means including resting in a relationship with Him.

That’s all for now. Please leave a comment or question. Until next week…

 

Adopted and Foster Children and Possible defenders:

Possible Defenders:

 

Intro:

I am Laurie and I love helping families who have children with behavioral, adoption, foster issues. It is my delight to help them see there are answers for their situations. Please check out some of my posts and you will see.

My last post was an encouragement to mothers about taking their place in the home. Many times foster, adopted children and children with difficult behaviors want to dismiss mothers as their parental authority. The problem is – they don’t get to dismiss. Please take a moment and read my last post.

Today I am going to talk some more about adopted children and the defenders they develop to feel safe. It is connected to trauma resulting in DID. I have written on DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) in other posts if you want to read them.

 

DID:

         People with DID use dissociation as a defense mechanism, pathologically and involuntarily. I just went to two conference about how people become DID when satanic rituals are performed on them.

When a person experiences such a trauma – their heart breaks and the parts are literally smaller parts of their personality. Each part then takes turns coming forward as the presenting part to deal with the situation at hand.

 

Defenders:

         There are parts who I call defenders. The defenders are the stronger parts (pieces) of the heart (soul) who deem themselves the protector and sometimes the controller of all the other parts. Sometimes a person can have more than one defender with several smaller parts. Usually if a person has more than one defender – it is because the trauma has been so great.

Integration is when the parts agree to be put back together again. It has been my experience when integration happens – the defender is one of the last of the parts to agree to integrate. The defenders are usually stubborn and afraid to integrate because trauma may happen again and they need to be available to protect and control. Considering all the trauma and pain – I can understand the defender’s thoughts. But true healing happens when the heart is whole again.

Full integration can’t happen if the person is in the midst of abuse and are not safe. To integrate at this point would be useless because they would just shatter (their heart would break) again. The person would need to be in a different and safe environment to achieve integration.

We also need to consider the fact the person has probably lived in this state of brokenness for a long while and doesn’t know how to live any other way. The parts have been their friends and they feel lonely when they are gone. These parts talk to each other just like you and I do with our friends.

 

Understanding:

I write to the adoptive and foster families because information is key to helping the children under our care. We have no idea how emotional or physical trauma has affected our children because we haven’t gone through trauma to the point of our hearts shattering. If you have I am sorry life has been so traumatizing. If this has happened to our children – they need some help.

 

Conclusion:

        

If your child needs help in this area you can google DID to educate yourself. If you want my help I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com I would love to help in any way I can. We can discuss it and make a plan.

I will be here again next week with another post. Please come again and join in the conversation. Until then…

Adoptive Mothers – Take Your Place:

Take Your Place in Your Home

Intro:

         Hello there. I’m Laurie the creator of this blog. It is my pleasure to write posts to encourage parents of children who have behavioral, foster and adoption issues.

My last post was about support groups and the effect they can have on you and your family. Please take a moment to check it out. It may apply to something you are currently going through.

Today I am going to talk about adoptive mothers and your position in your home. Your adopted or foster RAD child may want you out of the house or divorced from your husband. But, you are the stabilizing portion of the household. Don’t let your adopted RAD child redefine who you are or the role you’re to play in your home and in their lives.

 

Mothers – What are You Entitled To?

  1. You are the mother whether your child acknowledges it or not.
  2. Your position is beside your husband as his wife and no child gets to decide otherwise.
  3. You are your child’s mother even if they want to be with their birth mother.
  4. Your adoption papers nullify the birth parent’s rights to influence your child in any way (unless their participation creates a good situation).
  5. Your child is in your home and get the rights and privileges you say they can have, not the other way around.
  6. You’re entitled to respect from your children.
  7. You are your husband’s partner and you decide together what will happen with your children. Your children don’t decide for you.
  8. You have the right for your husband to protect you from the disrespectful behavior of your children.
  9. Your children need to do as you ask them to do around the house because they are part of the family and need to invest in the chores, etc.

 

What is Your Place?

         Mom’s, I don’t know what is happening in your home, but if your foster or adopted child has RAD I suspect you are being treated as small and the object of their abused. They have a way of dismissing the mother’s position in the home. Some have a plan to get the parents divorced or the mother out of the house or even killed.

Narcissism is part of your child’s RAD and they have an attitude of entitlement along with control issues. They don’t care if they emotionally destroy anyone – least of all the adoptive mother. Mothers, narcissism and RAD doesn’t get to destroy you.

So, your place is the mother position and role. You and your husband are in charge of leading the children in your home. Mother’s stop feeling like you need to change your position or role in order to get your child to like or love you. Believe me they won’t respect a person who is altering themselves to get an “in” with them. Many times they will not love anyone but themselves and no one has an “in” with them. The “in” is gone because they won’t allow any bonding to them or them to you.

 

Does Your Husband Support You and Believe What You Say?

         This can be a problem because RAD children are so charming and can wrap the adoptive father around their finger. This is called triangulation. RAD adopted children have a plan to get in between the parents in order to cause division. Then they manipulate the adoptive father into not believing anything the adoptive mother says.

I have written on this particular topic before so please look back to some of my other posts. Triangulating is a common problem with RAD children and can cause the parents to divorce. It is important (mothers) to get some help if this is happening because RAD children won’t stop the triangulating till the divorce to your spouse is accomplished.

 

What To Do at This Point?

         If your husband doesn’t believe you and won’t listen to you – then start praying. Turn your husband over to the very capable hands of Father God to deal with him. God will wake your husband up so he can see your children need help. God will set up a situation where your husband can’t argue against what you are saying is happening.

 

Conclusion:

         I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a wonderful week. I’ll be here again next week. Till then…