Adoptive Mothers Receive Protection – Part Two

Receiving Protection:

Intro:

Hello again. For the new comer to my post I want to explain my heart for this blog. I write to encourage all the foster and adoptive parents with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children who are in the middle of adoption issues. Parents of children with behavioral problems are included in this mix also.

My last post was about the adoptive mother accepting their husband’s protection. That is if the husband truly is the protector in the home. It was the first part of this two part series. Please check it out.

Today I am going to add some more thoughts to my last post about wives accepting their husband’s protection in the home. Maybe your husband hasn’t taken the position of protector. I have some suggestions on this subject. Please read further.

 

What Can Wives Do When the Husband isn’t being the Protector in the Home:

I was in this very scenario. (I have written other posts referring to this subject. Please have a look). For the health of all who are living in your home it is important that the adoptive parents are in their correct roles. Not because of the regular “social arguments about roles” – I’m definitely not going there. Instead, it is because of the vows and lies your child believes about the adoptive mother.

My points about the adopted child:

  1. Your RAD adopted child has vowed to keep everyone at arm’s length because they don’t want to be hurt or rejected like they were by the birth mother.
  2. Your RAD adopted child takes most of their aggression out on the adoptive mother. The adoptive father is usually worshipped by the adopted child.
  3. Your RAD adopt child will manipulate the adoptive father with the intention to take the adoptive mothers place in the home.
  4. The adoptive mother receives most of the abuse from the adopted child because she is the closest person resembling the birth mother. Even though the adopted child would rather be with their birth mom – they are mad at her for giving them up. Their manifestation then is to take it out on the adoptive mother.
  5. The adoptive child usually treats the adoptive mother fine when the adoptive father is around. Then they abuse the adoptive mother when the adoptive father is out of the house or at a distance. It is not till the adoptive father realizes he is being deceived and manipulated by the adopted child that this changes. Suggestion: Pray that your adopted child shows their true colors and God opens your husband’s eyes to what is going on.

 

What the Adoptive Mother Can Do So the Adoptive Father Will Protect You:

  1. My husband didn’t hear me or protect me until I stopped approaching him from all directions to get him to listen. I told God “uncle” because I had ran out of options and approaches of communication.
  2. My husband WAS very stubborn when it came to things I asked of him. He didn’t want to do anything that would interrupt his schedule or time invested in revolving around his stuff or life. (My husband has given me permission to tell our story and progress) His way of dealing with conflict was to ignore it so it would go away. It never did.
  3. I vented to God alone and accepted the position in Psalm 91 which was being in the shadow of the almighty and under His wing.
  4. I asked the Lord to talk to my husband, open his eyes and change his heart towards being a father, protecting me, and getting help for our adopted girls.
  5. The Lord saw my obedience of putting the problem on Him to solve. I was safely in God’s loving protection described in Psalm 91.
  6. God did open my husband’s eyes and ears to my needs and we took the girls to a therapist. At the therapist the girls professed to: manipulating my husband into divorcing me, trying to kill me and mentally and emotionally abusing me when my husband wasn’t around among other things.
  7. My husband took the role of protector in the home – especially my protector. He required our adopted girls to show me the respect I deserved and that was the end of their abuse and manipulations against me.

 

Conclusion:

         Husbands do need to be the protector in the home but they don’t need our help to get there. Plus adopted children purpose to not do anything the adoptive mother wants or says anyway. God will bring your husband around if you will allow God to speak to him on your behalf. Go to God for all your help concerning adoption issues. He is the only one with the power to change hearts and shift the roles in your home. He wants your husband to protect you too!

Please come again next week for another post. If you would leave a comment I would love to converse with you. If you would like a life coaching session I can be reaches at Laurie@getrealliving.com We can set up a time for a session. Until next time…

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Adoptive Mothers Receive Protection – Part One

 

Receiving the Protection Your Husband is Offering:

Intro:

Hello everyone. Laurie here with some more encouragement for foster and adoptive families. Families who have children with behavioral problems can benefit from these posts too. I have several posts addressing many behavioral issues and adoption concerns. Please check them out.

In my last post I challenged adoptive fathers to be the protector in the home. If your wife is saying your adopted child is trying to separate the two of you, please listen to her. There is something called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and a large percentage of adopted children have it. One of the symptoms is triangulating adults against each other. These children want to separate the adoptive father and mother from each other. I challenged fathers to protect their wives in this and other areas. Please have a look at my last post.

Today’s post is for foster and adoptive mothers. It is about accepting your husband’s protection. I know if your adopted child has triangulated you and your husband away from each other it may take time to trust each other again. So, please read on for some helpful suggestions.

 

When Your Husband Starts to Protect You:        

I remember when my husband realized he needed to be a protector and especially my protector. I had to adjust how I was behaving. Out of necessity I had spent a very long time self-protecting and my radar was up to the actions and behaviors of my two adopted RAD children. They were regularly mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusing me when my husband wasn’t around.

Finally, my husband woke up because God woke him up. He took the position of being my protector and set our children straight on how they were to treat me. What a wonderful change!

 

Shifting When Our Husbands Shift:

         So wives, here are some suggestions when your husband does shift:

  1. He needs to know you are very grateful to him for taking the steps to protect you.
  2. Realize this is a very different way to live than the way you have been living. Your husband now has the position of protector and it affords you a better and safer life and home. You can now rest.
  3. Lay down the ways you used to protect yourself. Accept the protection your husband is offering. You are now in the place you wished you had but probably believed would never happen.
  4. Trust God and now your husband to do what they said they would do. Allow them to handle all the misbehavior your child is displaying towards you. They have big shoulders.
  5. Your RAD adopted children won’t like this shift in your house. They may act out as a display of their disapproval. Let your husband know what they are doing and then give him the problem to handle. Again, he has big shoulders. You just need to accept his protection.
  6. At first this will feel awkward if your husband hasn’t been your protector. Habits die hard but this new habit will reap benefits for a long time.
  7. Your husband will be in the position in the home that he needs to fulfill. This is worth the shifting out of protecting yourself to being protected. Everyone wins including the children – even if they don’t know it yet.

 

Conclusion:

         So, that is all for today. If you would like to comment on this post just push the “Leave a Comment” button. If you would like my help I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com You can set up an appointment with me because I am a life coach.

I will be here again next week with part two of this two part series of posts. Please come again. Until then…

Adoptive Fathers as Protectors

 

Protecting Your House, Wife and Children:

Intro:

I’m here to talk about adoption and foster issues. I have written many posts on foster and adoption topics. Please take a moment to read some.

My last post was about how our foster and adopted Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children don’t believe us when we tell them the truth. It is a complicated subject. Please check it out.

Today I am going to address two ideas in reference to the adoptive fathers. The ideas are about protection. Please read further.

 

Fathers and Protection:

Two Ideas:

  1. There is a book by a man named Jonathan Welton, titled “Eyes of Honor.” It is about dealing with porn perversion. I am not going to address porn in this post. But at the end of Jonathan’s book it talks about men accepting the position of being a women’s protector – not her predator. It’s a very good book.
  2. The second idea I want to talk about was conveyed in a recent movie called “Hidden Figures.” I loved the scene where the man in charge at NASA (Kevin Costner) knocked the bathroom sign down for one of his colored female employees. (Colored is the word they used in the movie because it was set in 1961) At that time they still segregated the drinking fountains, bathrooms and buses. Kevin Costner knocked down the sign so this “colored” women employee didn’t have to go a half mile down the road to use the bathroom. When he knocked the sign down people in the theater applauded – including me. He also expected her co-workers to show her respect.

 

My Point:

I am challenging the men who read this post to accept the position of being a woman’s protector. Specifically being your wife’s protector. I’m asking you to be ready to defend your wife if she is being dishonored by other men, women or your RAD adopted children.

There is a natural understanding in our society, for some reason, that men are more readily listened to if there is conflict. Right or wrong it is just how society functions. A man seems to have a more commanding demeanor which demands respect verses a woman who is faced with the same situation. Women aren’t universally respected in this way.

So, I am simply saying your wife needs you when it comes to the dishonor she can receive in public and from your RAD adopted children. She needs your protection and spiritual covering to be safe to fulfill her destiny. Husbands are to facilitate their wives’ and children in achieving what they were put on this planet to do.

Just as Kevin Costner stood up for his female employee to provide a bathroom in the same building she was working – your wife needs you to defend, spiritually cover and pray for her. Kevin Costner commanded respect for his female employee and from her co-workers who were harassing and demeaning her. Your wife needs the same from you. This would be an honoring and protective act of human kindness.

 

What Do You Get in Return?

You get a woman who will truly respect and honor you in your home. You get blessings from Father God because you protected and honored your wife. You get an honorable social standing and maybe an applause for the way you handle your household.

 

The Bigger Picture:

On the other hand – protecting your wife even if you don’t get a thing is the right thing to do. Applause is great but do you really need accolades to stand up for your wife? Ask God what He thinks. What do you think is the bigger picture God wants you to understand about protection and family? How can you partner with God for the bigger picture He has for you and your family?

 

Conclusion:

I have seen several adoptive father’s (husband’s) make their home life revolve around them by demeaning their wives. I have also seen several adopted RAD children mesmerizing the adoptive fathers. They tricked the adoptive father into believing the issues in the home are the adoptive mother’s fault – when in fact it’s the RAD child causing division. They like to divide the adoptive father from the adoptive mother. Sometimes causing them to divorce. This would not be if the husbands were protecting their wives.

So husbands, be the protector. Defend and honor your wife who is your soul mate. Put her in the place she deserves which is at your side – honored and protected in society and in your home. She needs your help.

Well, that is all. See you again right here next week. Bye…

What to Do When Your Adopted Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Child Doesn’t Believe You

Your Adopted Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Child Doesn’t Believe the Truth:

 Intro:

Here we are at the beginning of a new year. My name is Laurie and I write this blog for the families who have foster, adopted children or children with behavioral problems. Please take a moment to read through some of my posts.

My last post was about wishing adoptive parents a Merry Christmas. In the post before my last post I encouraged parents about shopping for these adopted, foster and difficult behavior children. Please have a look at both posts. The shopping one applies to our children’s birthdays too.

Today I am going to talk about when our children don’t believe us when we tell them the truth. It is a hard thing to get through when the truth is the only communication which should be used. Yet it is the last form of communication our children will accept.

 

Distorted Discernment:

Maybe you are not having any trouble with your adopted children believing you about their past, origin, or anything. But for too many adoptive and foster families this is a very real problem. Many of our children will not believe what we are saying about their biological families or how their adoptions came to be. There are many topics they just choose delusional rationale for why things are the way they are presently.

Our two girls both believed we stole them from Thailand. Our second adopted daughter thought her mother was in Thailand with seventeen of her brothers and sisters pleading for her to come home. (This adopted daughter only has one older sister) We contacted her birthmother twice to see if she would communicate with our adopted daughter only for her to deny our daughter both times.

Many times our adopted daughters had a distorted discernment about the situations they were in and wouldn’t take our advice or see our point of view. The situation would play out just as my husband and I expressed but they still would not believe us the next time. It bordered on the ridiculous!

 

Suggestions:

  1. If it doesn’t put your child in danger – many times it is just easier to drop everything about the situation because they will never believe you anyway. The situation will play its self out and they will be mad at you and the situation especially if it goes the way you said it would. This is a good learning lesson for them. You just need to pick your battles and the smaller ones are just not worth it.
  2. Some situations are not without danger. These are the ones to be involved in. If possible take the opportunities to ask the people in the situations questions in front of your child so they can see and hear the truth through the opinions of others. Then there is no room for your child’s delusions. They won’t like it but it will be undeniable. Of course they will not let you know they were listening.
  3. Bloodlines and Prayer: I just want to bring up a point about rational thinking and bloodlines. Your adopted child comes from another bloodline. If the people in the bloodline are “given” to delusional thinking then this is a topic of prayer. God wants this delusional thinking to stop in anyone’s bloodline and that includes your child’s.

 

Scripture says Jesus intercedes for us before the Father. Ask him to intercede for your child. Ask for your child to be healed and the cursing of this delusional thinking in their bloodline to be released. Pray for your child’s brain to heal so they can think clearly. Ask for them to believe you and trust you have their best interests in mind.

 

Conclusion:

         In all things having to do with parenting I always depend on the Trinity who know all and want to help. The Trinity are pretty creative in the parenting department and are a reliable resource when it comes to children. Give them a chance to help you too.

If you want my help my name is Laurie and I am a life coach. You can set up a session with me at Laurie@getrealliving.com It could be a phone session. I would love to help you!

Well, that is all for today. I will be here again next week so have a good one. Until then…