Merry Christmas to Adoptive Parents!

Merry Christmas!

 Intro:

         Hello everyone! As usual I write this blog to the foster and adoptive parents out there navigating through adoption and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) issues. Many of my posts are on these subjects. Please check them out.

My last post was about practical Christmas shopping for the severe cases of RAD. It has some good suggestions about the type of gifts to get. Please have a look.

Today I am going to do a short and sweet post about Christmas. I hope it will encourage you in this season. It is my heart’s intent to do so.

 

You Are Amazing Parents!

         If I could I would pat every foster and adoptive parent on the back who is loving your RAD adoptive child as best you can. I understand you don’t get the encouragement you need or desire. So, I am stepping in here to fill some of the gap.

 

Christmas Encouragement and Prayers:

         I just want to take a moment to bless you and speak words of encouragement. So, this is what I am praying for you this Christmas Season:

  • I pray you are safe and your travels go smooth and quick
  • I pray your shopping is successful and you find sales
  • I pray Your RAD child will not try to create chaos
  • Your heart won’t get broken by your RAD child’s rejection
  • That your RAD child won’t be destructive to themselves, you or to material things
  • Your child will not be stuck in their fantasy thoughts about their birth families and instead participate in your Christmas festivities
  • I pray you will have peace in your home for the Holidays
  • That you will be at rest inside
  • Your RAD child to show respect to their adoptive mother’s and be kind
  • For your adopted child to find healing for their broken heart
  • That you and your spouse will grow closer together
  • For your marriage to be stronger than ever before
  • You will know you are doing a good job with your adopted children
  • That you’re not the reason your RAD child isn’t normal
  • You understand you aren’t failing at parenting
  • I pray you will have wisdom, knowledge and understanding beyond your age
  • Your heart will be healed of all the pain your RAD child has caused
  • You will see the kindness of the Trinity (Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit)
  • For the Trinity to heal the places in your heart where expectations haven’t happened the way you wanted
  • You will feel the love of the Trinity deeply in your body, soul, and spirit
  • For you to feel safe and protected by the Trinity
  • Your Christmas will have extra special events and memories
  • That you will find the parenting techniques which work for your foster, adopted or RAD child

 

Conclusion:

I think you get the jest of what I would like for you this Christmas. God bless you and yours. Please leave a comment by clicking the “leave a comment” button next to the title above. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! It will be two weeks till my next post so I’ll be talking with you then…

Practical Christmas Shopping and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

Christmas Shopping:

Intro:

Hi all! I am here to encourage adoptive and foster families. Most of my posts have to do with adoptive, foster and RAD issues. Please take some time and read some of my other posts. They are intended to help your journey go smoother.

My last post was on forgiveness towards the public. Many times they don’t understand the adoption plight on so many levels. Forgiveness is the best way to solve the division. Please check my last post out.

Today I am going to talk about Christmas shopping specifically for the more severe cases of RAD. The reason for this post is to relieve the parental Christmas shopping heart ache that comes with a severe RAD child. My heart is to help relieve some of the self-judgment we (adoptive parents) find ourselves feeling during the holidays.

 

Severe RAD and Christmas Gifts:

         When the adoption process begins, we as adoptive parents don’t have an inkling what we are getting ourselves into. When our adopted children are young, the symptoms of RAD may have not seemed even close to being severe. But as they live with us month after month and year after year we finally wake up to the symptoms of RAD raging in our face.

So, what does this have to do with Christmas Shopping? In many cases of RAD, one of the symptoms presents it’s self as destructive to self, others and material things. This is serious and eventually becomes a financial and emotional hardship. These children take delight in destroying things given to them. If they know destroying the things lovingly given to them creates emotional pain to the giver – they intentionally increase the destructiveness on purpose.

If this is your experience, I am here to say it is OK to second guess giving the most expensive (bigger or better) gift if they are just going to destroy it. I wish someone advised my husband and me on this subject. We would have saved our selves money and emotional exasperation. Please let yourselves off the hook and give practical gifts to your severe RAD child.

Understand I am not saying no gifts at all. I am saying to give gifts that make financial and emotional sense for your child. As much as you can – keep your heart free from being hurt by the ungratefulness, destructiveness and punishment.

 

Remember This Not Your Fault:

This isn’t your fault because your child came with this behavioral issue before you adopted. This issue was in them and grew bigger and bigger every passing day without you knowing it. They already decided to not love themselves, anyone else, or material things.

Go shopping with durability, practicality and economics in mind. Then you will know you did the best you could do for them, your emotional wellbeing and your finances. It’s Ok to not feel guilty.

 

Guilt:

Speaking of guilt – your child will probably try to guilt you when their gift is not the best of the best. Here is a grand opportunity to have a teaching moment. Point out some examples of their destructive behavior when you did get them the best or more expensive gift. Then point out how it worked out for them. Maybe you can say you learned a lesson and aren’t going to do that again. It will at least give them something to think about for a while.

 

Conclusion:

Hope that helps relieve some misplaced parental expectation of Christmas gifts and RAD behaviors. Please leave a comment by pressing the comment button above next to the title. I would love to talk with you. Until next week when we meet here again…

What Do You Mean Forgive the Public for Adoption Behavior Judgement?

I Know My Child Is Behaving Badly!

Intro:

        Hi there! This is Laurie and I am here to encourage foster and adoptive parents. I created this blog as a venue for adoptive and foster parents to read, comment and glean from other parents in similar situations. Please check out some of my other posts.

In my last post I talked about when our adopted or RAD children leave the nest. It is a hard adjustment. Please check it out for helpful ideas.

Today I am going to talk about the public arena and how an adopted or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) child behaves. Many times the public misunderstands adopted children and their parents. This is very challenging.

 

What Do I Mean by Public Forgiveness?

         If you are regularly reading this blog, you may be searching for some answers for the public arena and your child. So, let’s take a couple steps backwards. I encourage every adoptive parent to google the symptoms of RAD to see if the symptoms fit your child.

Some of the symptoms are:

  • Charming in public
  • Lying about the obvious
  • Steeling
  • Destructive to themselves, others and material things
  • Cruelty to animals
  • Preoccupation with fire
  • Acts hyper
  • Poor peer relationships

This is just a small portion of the full symptom list but for this post it is what I want to focus on. The public does not get the concept that adoption parenting does not fit into any category of regular parenting. It is a category of its own. So therefore, the results of the symptoms above are scrutinized by the mainstream parenting arena because “regular” parenting techniques don’t work with these children.

Just the charming, lying, steeling and being destructive to self, others or things throws other parents into a judgmental frenzy. They are either feeling sorry for or mad at us and our adopted children. The part that is so unfair is we (adoptive parents) get the blame for our RAD children’s behavior. Then the public gives the typical parental solutions and none of them work on a foster, RAD, or adopted child.

 

Public Forgiveness is the Answer to What?

         Public forgiveness is the answer to the anger and frustration resulting from the public’s judgment. Anger compounded by anger can lead to bitterness. Bitterness is stressful on your body and doctors say stress leads to many health issues. Besides, life is too short to retain these negative feelings.

 

Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not letting anyone off the hook for bad behavior. It is just turning them over to Christ so HE deals with “their stuff.” This “turning over” releases you from them and vice versa. The stress is off you and you can release them from treating you correctly. They don’t realize they need better behavior because in there world they know how everyone is to parent.

Grasp the concept that they will never understand your child and the symptoms which go with adoption and RAD. Then you’re free from the feelings of disappointed when they don’t fulfill your expectations or give you and yours the grace and honor you deserve. Allow God to deal with their behavior. If they don’t change – forgive and move on. You are now free and will avoid bitterness, stress and health problems.

 

Conclusion:

         There are many levels to forgiveness and bitterness. My heart today is to encourage you to stay true to you in this area. Your health and peace of mind are valuable. Much more valuable than anger, bitterness or someone else’s judgmental opinion. Decide to forgive by turning the public over to the Lord to adjust and sometimes convict towards better behavior. This is God’s way of doing you a huge favor and carrying your burden. You don’t have the power to change their inner feelings and judgments towards you anyway. Just let it go.

That is all for today. Leave a comment by pushing the comment button next to the title. Talk with you next week…