Adoption Research:

Adoption Research

 Intro:

My name is Laurie and I have traveled the adoption road for a long time. This blog is the result of a very hard adoption experience and I have a great deal to say on the subject. Many of my posts are about adoption issues and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Please check them out.

My last post was on adoption and angels. Take a moment and check it out. It was thought provoking and I’m sure you’ll be encouraged.

Today I am going to talk about adoption research. I wish someone would have pointed me in this direction at the beginning of our adoption process. Sadly they didn’t but I have some insights I would have never discovered had our journey went any other way. Now, I get the pleasure of passing it on to you. I am pretty up front in this post but adoptive parents “to be” need to know about these issues. They will help your adoption process go smoother.

 

What Adoptive Parent’s “to be” Need to Research:

  1. Currently the adoption process includes training about RAD. This is good but not good enough. It is important to get on as many web sites about RAD as possible and learn about all the behaviors. All adopted children come with baggage and a large portion of adoptees have a degree of RAD. RAD children can’t fully love or be loved because of vows they made to not bond or be bonded to by anyone.

 

When my husband and I were in the adoption process we were told, “If we got our children from foster families they won’t have RAD.” Were we misinformed!!! Both of our adopted children have RAD and came from foster families. Our second adopted child has most of the symptoms of RAD. We were just naïve enough to believe our love would get them through. RAD takes so much more than love – so research and get help.

 

  1. Many Adoptive Parents “to be” have their heads in the clouds about what their adoption is going to look like. I have yet to talk to an adoptive parent who says their adoption has been what they expected. Most parents don’t expect their child will have anything wrong with them beyond what the agency informs. Others believe they will just get through or love them through problems. Please be realistic and prepared. There will be bumps in the road and you’ll need help. There are people who are trained and can get you to the answers and end you are looking for.
  2. If you can, research your child’s background for “generational tendencies.” If the biological parents have certain tendencies which prevent them from experiencing life in a healthy way – then there is a possibility your adopted child will too. Find out as much as you can about the “generational tendency” and what works to heal it. Examples: drugs, alcohol, disorders, diseases, etc.
  3. Find out about their native backgrounds. In America there are huge differences in the native backgrounds of different regions in the USA. Social and spiritual beliefs can be barriers in the communication process if your child is a few years old at adoption. Even when they are older it is amazing how a child’s background effects them. Having information, understanding and grace in these situation goes a long way.
  4. If your adoption is a foreign adoption there will be huge differences in many cultural areas. Such as religion, spiritual, foods, hand gestures, social behaviors, proper educate between men and women, language, rest room procedures, holidays, etc. Studying everything you can will be helpful in obtaining the most peaceful environment for your family.
  5. Learn to cook some meals which come from their place of origin. Comfort foods can simply be the food they are used to eating and will help in the adjustment process during acclimation into your family.
  6. Constantly playing soothing music in your house during the first part of your adjustment period can help. It will create an atmosphere of peace, rest and trust to a child who will probably be feeling chaotic inside.
  7. If your child comes from a different country there may be games and songs you can learn which might be familiar to them.

 

Conclusion:

Research as much as you can about your child. It can’t hurt. I hope the info above is helpful. I pray your adjustment period and adoption go well. Please leave a comment below. Until next time…

Advertisements

Adoption, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Angels

Adoption, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Angels

 Intro:

         Hi all. This post is about helping all the foster and adoptive families who are navigating through adoption and RAD issues. I have written many posts on this subject. Please have a look.

My last post was on adoption RAD and hope deferred. I defined what hope deferred is and gave a list of practical things I do when it happens. Have a look.

Today I am going to talk on the subject of angels and their assistance. You may or may not believe in the existence of such beings. That’s OK because you don’t have to. But I do.

 

Scriptural References to Angels:

  1. “for He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways” Psalm 91:11 (NIV)
  2. “But to which of the angels said he at any time, Sit on my right hand, until I make thine enemies thy footstool? Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation?” Hebrews 1:13-14 (NIV)
  3. “The Lord hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his Kingdom ruleth over all. Bless the Lord, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, harkening unto the voice of his word. Bless ye the LORD, all ye hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure. Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the LORD, O my soul. Psalm103:19-22
  4. “Be careful. Don’t think these little children are worth nothing. I tell you that they have angels in heaven who are always with the Father in heaven.” Matthew 18:10
  5. “But the angel of the Lord by night opened the prison doors, and brought them forth, and said, Go, stand and speak in the temple to the people all the words of this life.” Acts 5:19-20
  6. “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.” Psalm 34:7 (ESV)

 

How does This Apply to Us?

Well, let’s take a look at each of these scriptures: (Each number below applies to the same number and verse above)

  1. God commands his angels to guard you in all your ways. This not only applies to you but to your children too. Our adopted RAD children need all the help they can get.
  2. I pray regularly for God to send ministering angels to minister to my children, husband and me. If that is what the angels were created to do and we obviously have permission to receive, then why not. I’ll take all of God’s angel help (at any time) to protect and minister to my family I love so dearly.
  3. I don’t think there is anything wrong with praying God would send his angels (who excel in strength and do God’s bidding) to move on behalf of my family. If we ask and God does something – we need to see it as God’s pleasure to help us. Whether we see the angels or not – they are involved with what God is commanding from His Kingdom.
  4. Adoption was God’s idea first and he pays close attention to the orphaned and widowed. This verse refers to children in general and God has angels in heaven who are watching over all children. Pray for your child so God’s angels will do His bidding. If your children are RAD then they need all the power of heaven on their side to help them find their way safely. They need help staying on the right path for their life.
  5. I understand that this scripture was for one of the disciples and it was a miracle. I am not a theologian of the scriptures but I have seen miracles in my life. Especially with my husband and children. I do believe angels have been involved in keeping my family safe and sound. My prayers have been answered and God and His angels have been involved.
  6. I have put my faith and trust in God that my family constantly has angels encamped around us. We are under the explicit love and protection of the greatest being of the universe – God. His angels are involved in enforcing God’s loving desire.

 

Conclusion:

         If you haven’t believed in the existence of God’s angels then try what I have proposed above. It won’t hurt to believe someone is on your side and that someone God. He is loving you and sending some very powerful beings (God’s angels) to help you and your family along your journey. It is quite a wonderful thought if you would just let yourself believe.

Please leave a comment in the box below. I would love to converse on this subject. Until next week…

Adoption RAD and Hope Deferred

Adoption RAD and Hope Deferred:

 Intro:

I start all my posts with the reason I write this blog so if we have a new comer – they will know what I am communicating. So, I write this blog for the adoptive families who are navigating through foster, adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. Please take some time to read my other posts because they will help you understand RAD in greater depth.

My last post was about aggressive and passive aggressive behavior. It is a very informative post so check it out. If you have adopted children with RAD or behavioral problems then it will help you understand their behavior.

Today I’m going to talk about a sensitive subject called “Hope Deferred.” I hope it will be helpful. I know it was one of the hardest things I had to come to grips with in our situation.

 

What is Hope Deferred and Were is the Scripture Reference?

Definitions: (Taken from my phone dictionary app.)

1)  Hope – The longing or desire for something accompanied by the belief in the possibility of its occurrence.

2)  Deferred – Postponed or delay. Withheld until a future date.

Scripture: Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

 

Our Experience:

I remember thinking if I would love longer, try harder and give more to my adopted children it would be enough to heal them. I thought it would fix their bonding issues. I wanted my love to be their example so they would know how to love a special person in their lives.

I tried, and tried to no avail. At the time I didn’t understand they were operating under a vow they made when they were babies. This is where RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) starts. Both my adopted children came with RAD.

This vow has to do with not letting anyone (especially the adoptive mother) close enough to hurt then like their birth mother did. So, they hold everyone at arm’s length and sabotage anyone’s effort to bond to then or to mutually bond back.

I have to admit – seeing our children struggle with their bonding issues is still hard at times (hope deferred). Even though we have seen some breakthrough with both of our children I would love to see so much more. I want them to be able to love and bond to someone.

 

What to Do With Deferred Hope?

1)  I do not hold back from being perfectly honest with Father God (father of Jesus) about how I am feeling. It is healthy to appropriately express your feelings and frustration. God gave us these feelings in the first place so be real. He has big shoulders and you will feel so much better when you’re done.

2)  Humbly remind God He owns your children. They are His children. I wrote a post a while ago about the principle of ownership vs. stewardship and that is what I am referring to now. Please check out my previous owner vs. steward post.

3)  Then humbly remind Father God you are merely the steward of His children. (Again – I’m referring to the post suggested in point two). Then ask Him what He is going to do about His children’s inability to bond.

4)  Remind Father God His children have RAD symptoms and need to be healed so they can develop loving relationships and social skills.

5)  I suppose a person can live a life of being an island and never bonding or having meaningful relationships. But I feel my (His) children were intended to have much more than they have. I feel Father God desires the same thing. We need to pray our (His) children fulfill their full destiny.

6)  Father God is OK with having the responsibility of owning, helping and healing His children. All things are in His timing and not mine. So, I transfer my hope deferred to God and let Him deal with it. He knows how I feel and will help me. I put my hope in Him.

Conclusion:

     Trust has everything to do with facing deferred hopes. Changing perspective from hope deferred to hope and trust in God makes all the difference when things look bleak. Especially when the opposite of what we desire is happening. Let God carry the responsibility of it all.

Please leave a comment in the box below. I would love to hear from you. Until next week…

Adoption RAD and Their Aggressive and/or Passive Aggressive Behavior

Adoption RAD and Their Aggressive and/or Passive Aggressive Behavior:

 Intro:

Hi all. I’m Laurie and I want to help all the families out there who are faced with foster, adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. It is a lonely path because most of society doesn’t understand. Please check out my other posts. Most of them have to do with adoption and RAD issues.

My last post was on adoption support groups. Please check it out. It has helpful suggestions on joining or starting adoption support groups.

Today I am going to talk about RAD aggressive and passive aggressive behaviors. Passive-aggressive behaviors can develop into a disorder called passive-aggressive disorder (diagnosed by a doctor). All are challenging. I want to explain the first two – in order to bring intentional clarity. RAD adopted children sometimes use one, the other or both to punish anyone who tries to get close to them.

 

Definitions: (The definitions are taken from my dictionary phone app.)

1)  Aggression – Hostile or destructive behavior or attitudes: physical aggression; verbal aggression; emotional aggression.

2)  Passive aggressive behavior – Behavior that expresses aggression in an indirect, passive way. This includes procrastination, hostile jokes (though jokes in general are recognized as a method of veiled hostility), stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. Person who refuses to acknowledge their own aggression, and who manages that denial by projecting it. This type of person insists on seeing themselves as the blameless victim in all situations.

3)  Passive-aggressive disorder – a “pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situation.”

 

Aggression:

         RAD is heart wrenching to the adoptive family. Aggression isn’t on all the symptom lists having to do with RAD but it is on some. My husband and I had an up front and personal experience with this symptom of aggression in our youngest adopted RAD daughter.

She needed to exert herself in many situations and if you have read many of my posts I have explained she needed to be removed from our home because of her aggression. She admittedly said she was ready to kill me. We were concerned we would wake up at night with her standing over me with a knife.

She damaged many things in our house including taking scissors to our couch. One of the regular symptoms on the RAD symptom list is being destructive to themselves, others and things. She was especially destructive to the things I said I loved or thought were beautiful. (She displayed Passive Aggressive behaviors also).

You may not have had the same issues as we have but if this is sounding familiar – you might want to find a therapist for your child. Go to a therapist who knows about RAD because most doctors have not heard of it. The ones who haven’t tend to put all the blame on the adoptive parents even though RAD develops way before the adoptive parents are even on the scene.

 

Passive Aggressive Behavior:

Our other adopted daughter has RAD also but her symptoms manifest as passive aggressive behaviors. She purposely ignores and gives the silent treatment – sometimes for days. We were invisible to her and she would without conscience go on her merry way – living as her own “island.”

She would be sullen, procrastinate, stubborn, silent, and definitely a blameless victim in every situation. She would give me her trash can with the latest gift I gave her sitting on the top of her trash. She thought she didn’t need anyone in her life because she could be all in all to herself and meet her needs.

Again, if you’re recognizing similar issues in your adopted child get them to a therapist who understands RAD, aggressive and passive aggressiveness. The sooner the better. These symptoms will not just go away.

 

Conclusion:

         I hope this post was helpful and brought clarity to the difference between aggressive and passive aggressive behavior. Both need the help of a therapist and are self-destructive in so many ways. Help your child break their cycle of aggression.

Please leave a comment in the box below. I would love to hear from you. Until next week…