Adoption RAD and Dividing What is Yours or Theirs:

Adoption RAD and Dividing What is Yours or Theirs:

 Intro:

Laurie here to encourage you and talk about adoption RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. I started this blog because I felt so alone through my journey with adoption RAD and I don’t want you to have to do the same! I’ve written many posts on this subject. Please have a look.

My last post was titled, “Adoption RAD and Kingdom Perspectives.” Please check it out. It was about two Kingdom tools we are finding effective to heal some RAD issues.

Today I am going to talk about learning to divide what belongs to who. Then everyone can be responsible for themselves. This helps bring the stress level down in the middle of conflicts.

 

Parents – What Belongs to You?

I lead an adoptive parent’s support group and we were just saying we need to separate what belongs to us and what belongs to our children. In the daily chaos of adoption RAD issues, it is easy to listen to the constant assault of blaming which comes from an adopted or RAD child and take it in as truth, guilt or shame.

They seem to have the ability to pour the guilt and shame on with no conscience of it being a truth or a lie. It’s simply just what is coming off the tip of their tongues at the time. This comes from tree of the symptoms of RAD which are: (Two of the symptoms are found in Dr. Kecks book titled “Adopting the Hurt Child”)

1) They have no conscience

2) Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)

3) Narcissism (it is always everyone else’s fault)

Even if these symptoms are true, we as parents do need to own up to the issues in our own lives. The sooner the better. Then when our adopted children pile on the blame – we can separate what is ours and what is simply all their symptoms in action.

In 1 John 1:9 it says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” This means we confess and repent. Then we give Jesus His justice for what He did on the cross to cleanse it all away. We can rejoice because we are clean and the issue is over. We don’t have to carry it into the daily chaos of adoptive life and it can’t be added to what our children are saying to impart guilt and shame.

With the line of delineation securely in place we can see clearly to address the barrage coming against us and know the presenting issue fully lies on our adopted children when we address it. Dividing what is ours and what is theirs helps clear some of the chaos to focus on the issues at hand.

 

What Belongs to Them?

Here is a list:

1)  All of the symptoms on the RAD symptom list (a couple of posts back I included the full RAD symptom list from Dr. Keck’s book. Please have a look)

2)  Anything the birth parents negatively caused by giving them up for adoption

3)  Their inability to bond to you

4)  When they keep you at arm’s length

5)  Sabotaging your attempts to bond to them

6)  The way they twist things around to make it you or someone else’s fault when it’s clearly theirs.

7)  Attempts at getting you and your spouse divorced

8)  When they question if your motives are right towards them.

9)  Their drama issues which are projected onto you as your fault

10)              When everything is the adopted mother’s fault

 

Conclusion:

I can say this worked for me and brought such clarity to my parenting. Deleting the option of our adopted children’s guilting and shaming helped me make choices for their sakes only. This promotes good parenting.

If you have a comment please leave it in the box below. I would love to converse with you. I will be back next week with another post. Nice sharing with you…

        

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Adoption RAD and Kingdom Perspectives:

Adoption RAD and Kingdom Perspectives:

 Intro:

         Hello there – I’m Laurie and I created this blog to assist parents out there who have adopted RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children. It is my desire to come along side and encourage adoptive parents as much as I can in their journey through adoption issues. Please check out my other posts. They will be helpful in reference to this subject.

My last post was titled “RAD and Needing Win.” It was about the incessant need for RAD adopted children to win at everything they do. I gave examples and encouragement on this subject. Please take a moment and read it.

Today I am going to talk about Kingdom perspectives as they pertain to adoption and RAD. It is my desire to communicate a bigger perspective. There are two tools we have discovered which are bringing some breakthrough for families.

 

Two Tools:

We (two life coaches and I) have found a couple effective healing tools.  These tools are what I call Kingdom perspectives. God has the answers and two of them are:

1)  Prayer for the bloodline

2)  Healing the broken heart from emotional trauma

 

Prayer for the Bloodline:

         Praying for the bloodline – what does that mean? We are getting some healing results for adopted RAD children when we pray for their bloodlines. It has everything to do with Jesus cleansing the bloodline so the curses that go to the third and fourth generations are broken off. This allows your child to live in God’s blessing instead.

 

Example:

There is one family with a RAD child who immediately had results after we prayed. Her night terrors stopped completely. It was such a relief for the family as a whole and now everyone is sleeping through the night.

 

Healing the Broken Heart from Emotional Trauma:

         Trauma has the ability to break a person’s emotional heart. Terror and fear do the same. When a child experience something which is too much to bear – their heart can break (shatter).

 

14 Things Everyone Should Know About Emotional Trauma:

1)  The traumatized person is in thought about the trauma events regularly

2)  They worry about what is going to happen next

3)  Trauma lasting longer than four to six weeks can produce PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

4)  Trauma doesn’t always mean violence – for example: divorce, being bullied, a move etc. can cause emotional trauma

5)  It can cause insomnia, nightmares, or a racing heartbeat

6)  The person can feel disconnected or numb

7)  They can have a hard time learning or concentrating when stressed

8)  Trauma causes emotional shattering to the heart

9)  It can cause anger, irritability, sadness, mood swings, hopelessness chest pains and fatigue

10)              The person lives in guilt, shame and self-blame

11)              They withdraw from others

12)              Trauma can cause a person to trigger to noise, smells, etc.

13)              It causes the person to startle easily

14)              They live in fear, anxiety and/or terror

 

Example:

The example I want to give for this category is a beautiful one. The mom came to a session with me and stood in “proxy” for her RAD little one. We prayed God would heal the little one’s broken/shattered heart and He did. There was immediate results and life in there house became much easier.

 

Conclusion:

         We are excited to see healings and progression made in the lives of the adopted RAD children and their families we minister to. God truly does have all the answers and cares about orphans coming to their healing. We are honored to participate in these Kingdom Perspective healings!

I am a life coach and you can reach me at Laurie@getrealliving.com Maybe you would like to have your bloodline or broken heart healed. Contact the above site and set up a life coaching session with me. I would love to help.

Thanks for listening. Please leave a comment. Until next week…

RAD and Needing to Win:

RAD and Needing to Win:

 Intro:

Hello again. I hope you are all doing well! I created this blog to encourage adoptive and foster parents. All of my posts attest to it and I am passionate about helping in all the ways I am able. Please read my other posts for encouraging insights.

My last post was titled, “Do you have a child with behavioral problems? It may not be your fault.” I explained the symptoms of RAD and who caused it. Check it out.

Today I am talking about the subject of needing to win. In the business world – being competitive is necessary to make money. Otherwise why did you start your business in the first place? This is healthy competition.

It is not in your adopted RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) child’s best interest to win all the time. They don’t have cause and effect thinking so some of their choices can get them and others in danger. This the subject of discussion in this post. Winning isn’t all it appears to be to our adopted children.

 

Examples of Winning Which Cause Damage and Sometimes Danger:

Adopted RAD children vow to not allow anyone close to hurt them like their birth mother did by giving them up. They display this vow by sabotaging anyone’s attempt to bond to them – emotionally pushing them away and even at times intentionally hurting them.

Here are some examples:

1)  One of my adopted RAD children always needed to be in the front of anything happening. They wanted to be in control and in charge which wasn’t in her best interest in certain public or traveling situations. It was her way of winning over everybody. Not Good!!

2)  When our adopted children decided to not let their attitude or will be effected when privileges were taken away as a results of behavioral problems. When we took our children to therapy the therapist said RAD children will play with lint in order to win and not co-operate with safety guidelines for anything – including privileges. This got my RAD children into several dangerous situations.

3)  One of our adopted RAD children needed to be removed from our home because she was going to kill me. When we took her to the place where she was to stay she showed no remorse, or emotion for behaving inappropriately or being removed. Her intention was to “emotionally cut us out” to cause as much emotional damage to the rest of the family as possible. We were weeping. This was her way of winning.

4)  My RAD children would physically destroy anything I said I liked or said was beautiful. They had to always win by making sure I couldn’t enjoy something or be happy in any way.

5)  They didn’t like losing at any board game. To them it meant failure to the max. They got angry about their inability to control or be superior in the situation.

6)  They would not accept any help or affection because it was failing in their attempts to keep others at arm’s length. They refuse to bond to anyone who tried to get close to them. They would flair or punish so the other person would retreat. This is raw RAD.

7)  No one was allowed to emotionally out dramatize them. Their drama sometimes caused problems and sometimes dangerous situations.

8)  They would steel if someone had something they wanted. Another way to win.

9)  They would exaggerate in order to have an extreme story. This caused them to lie and misrepresent a situations which was dangerous to them and our family.

10)       One of our adopted RAD children did things on the computer which put all the family in danger.

Many of the RAD symptoms are “winning issues.” Please check out my last post for the list of RAD symptoms. Most are about winning.

 

The Point:

I could go on with examples of their need to win but I think I’ve made my point. They are desperate to be the “Alpha Dog” in situations on a daily basis. This is probably the results of feeling less than others and their way of remedying the perceived problem. Low self-esteem is enormous here.

The most helpful thing I did for this issue was to remind my adopted children how much damage they caused. I included how much they put themselves and others in danger and were not winning was a result. They don’t like the idea of others not believing they won over them! They need to see their behaviors aren’t having the effect they are intending and learn to make decisions that keep them and others safe.

Laying out the cause and effect thinking timeline sunk in some. They need to know they are the ones who caused the problem. Learning how to make decisions where cause and effect thinking is involved is important – not just winning.

 

Conclusion:

I hope this helped and solidified understanding on the issue of RAD children needing to win ALL THE TIME! Please leave a comment in the box below. See you next time…

Do You Have an Adopted Child With Behavioral Problems? It May Not Be Your Fault:

Do You Have an Adopted Child With Behavioral Problems? 

 Intro:

Hi all. This is Laurie and I created this blog to encourage adoptive and foster parents who are navigating through adoption and RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) issues. Please check out my other posts. They are all helpful advice about both issues.

My last post was about healing and faith. It was the fifth post of a five part series on encouragement. (Have a look) I talked about several issues which influence our faith in God and ourselves.

Today I am going to talk about adopted children with behavioral problems and the possibility that it may not be your fault. Not that we as parents automatically assume it is all our fault on all subjects of parenting. (I’m being facetious – lol) Many of the issues in adoption are the result of the birth parent’s decisions and the residual effects on their children.

 

Birth Parent Rejection:

We the parents of RAD children need to regularly remind ourselves we are not to take the blame or take the responsibility of causing RAD in our adopted children. We are not to be responsible for what the birth parents caused before we ever adopted our children. That lies firmly on the birth parent’s shoulders.

If your adopted children have RAD – they came to you with all the RAD symptoms attached. You need to understand you didn’t cause the symptoms! Your children are still reacting to the initial rejection from their birth parents and this caused the below symptoms of RAD. You did not!

 

Symptoms of RAD:

  • Superficially engaging and “charming” behavior
  • Lying about the obvious (“crazy lying”)
  • Stealing
  • Destructive behavior to self, others, and material things
  • Poor peer relationships
  • Lack of conscience
  • Lack of cause–and-effect thinking
  • Indiscriminate affection towards strangers
  • Lack of affection with parents on their terms (not cuddly)
  • Little eye contact with parents
  • Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter
  • Inappropriate, demanding and clingy behavior
  • Abnormal eating patterns
  • No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)
  • Lags in learning
  • Abnormal speech patterns
  • Cruelty to animals
  • False allegations of abuse
  • Triangulation of adults
  • Preoccupation with fire
  • Narcissistic and entitled
  •  Manipulative and controlling

 

 

Resentment:

         I know for a long time I resented the birth parents of my two adopted children for several things:

  • For causing such pain in the hearts of my two children by their rejection
  • For their selfishness, lack of responsibility, care or well-being of their children (at least in the case of my two children)
  • For causing RAD
  • For leaving us to clean up their mess

 

Keep On Keeping On:

         I dealt with all my resentment and we took our two children to a RAD therapist. Relief filled my soul when the therapist told us our children “came” with all the above symptoms. It was not our fault they acted the way they did.

Understanding this wonderful revelation helped in so many ways. It doesn’t heal RAD but reminding myself of this fact sure lifted my spirit many times. It allowed me to keep on keeping on.

I hope it helps you in the same way. Maybe today is the first time you saw the symptom list and are realizing your adopted child may have RAD. If so, let me say again – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT because THEY WERE LIKE THIS BEFORE THEY CAME TO YOU!

 

Conclusion:

If you discovered your adopted child possibly has RAD – be relieved it is not our fault and then get them some help. I understand the younger they are when they get help the better. Your best bet is to google RAD therapists in your area.

If there are places in your soul which need healing – maybe I can help. I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com  I help clients heal from emotional wounding.

Thanks for listening. I hope today was helpful and enlightening. I will have another post for you next week.  Until then…