Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Five:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

This is Laurie and I created this blog for adoptive parents navigating through the difficulties of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Most of my posts are on this subject. Please check them out.

My last four posts were the first four posts in this five part series of encouragements. They were about failure, being afraid, injustice and trust. Please check them out.

Today is the fifth and final post in this series of five encouraging steps. I am using the acronym FAITH to make my points. Today is on the letter H which represents healing. I will conclude by bringing all the words in FAITH together to make the whole point of this series.

 

H for Healing:

The ultimate goal for RAD is healing. My deepest desire for RAD adoptive families is to heal from the trauma RAD creates. It is truly one of the hardest mental health disorders I have experienced. Which is why I write this blog, give encouragement and divulg all I have learned about this disorder. I want to make your journey a little easier.

So, how do we heal? How do we help our confused RAD children heal? How do we help our children break the vows which cause them to hold everyone at arm’s length – avoiding emotional pain?

A couple of friends and I have discovered a way to pray for our adopted children. The results has progressed our children in the right direction. We have also learned how to put their broken hearts back together again. (I wrote about DID a few posts beck. Check it out). We are seeing change and we are excited!! I feel we are finding some answers to RAD.

 

Recap and Bring It All Together:

So, the five words in the acronym FAITH are failure, afraid, injustice, trust and healing:

  • Failure – Our children need to fail at manipulation, and control, etc. If they fail in our homes – life doesn’t have to teach them the hard way when they are on their own. Loving them in the failure moments will speak volumes to their broken hearts. This will develop their cause and effect thinking.
  • Afraid – We are all afraid – parents and kids. God knows and wants to sooth our every concern. He needs the lead position for all involved so surrendering to his higher intelligence and power are key. He knows what to do – even giving us peace beyond measure.
  • Injustice – God hates injustice more than we do. He set things up so all in the family would get justice. Lean into His plans and reap the rewards.
  • Trust – It is the foundation for every relationship so if trust isn’t there – the relationship is wobbly. Parents, I urge you to learn the truth about your RAD adopted children together and stay on the same team. Your children need to see this to have a clue about developing relationships of their own. They also need to see they aren’t able to divide the two of you or disrupt the family.
  • Healing – God is the healing answer and He can lead you to the place where your family can heal. Don’t lose heart. Look to God for your answers.

If we bring all of the words in the acronym together we find five steps of daily encouragement. I understand faith is very hard to hold on to in the middle of RAD issues but remind yourself there is a greater power than you possess.

My answer for you in your journey through the difficulties of adoption and RAD issues is FAITH in God almighty. He is the Father of Jesus Christ of Nazareth and He has all the answers if we would just ask and listen.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, this wraps up another series of posts. I will be back next week with a new topic to talk about. Please leave me a comment so we can convers about what is on your heart. Until then…

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Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Four:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

Hello again. This blog is to support adoptive parents as they are navigating through adoption, foster and RAD issues with their children. Please look at previous posts because they will be helpful too.

My last three posts were the first three posts of this five part series. Please check them out to have a better understanding of this post. They were on failure, being afraid and injustice.

Today is the fourth post in this five part series of encouraging steps. I am using the acronym FAITH. So, today’s letter is T for Truth.

 

T for TRUTH:

If you have a RAD adopted child I’m sure you know they do not tell the truth. They have probably broken trust with you many times and you’re justifiably finding it hard to trust them. I know this is very hard.

When we took our two adopted girls to intensive therapy we were at a point of such discouragement in many areas including in the area of trust. My husband and I understood trust was the very foundation to any relationship. But these two beautiful girls did not desire to build a trusting relationship with anyone.

It caused my husband and I to question everything they said and did (rightly so). In therapy we found out they were trying to get us divorced and they wanted me out of the house or dead. It was very hard for us to wrap our minds around what they intended to do.

 

Trusting Your Spouse:

         It has been my experience that many times RAD adopted children love to play the deception game. For example – they treat the adoptive mom beautifully in front of the adoptive father BUT when he isn’t around they mentally and emotionally abuse the adoptive mother.

Dad’s please believe your wife if she is telling you they treat her abusively when you’re gone. Somewhere in your heart – believe the first love of your life and give her the benefit of a doubt. Partner with your wife and plan to discover the truth.

Then act on the truth (if abuse is going on) and support your wife if there is RAD abusive. Your wife needs all the respect you can give her. She will need you to address the abusive behaviors of your RAD adoptive children.

There is a high percentage of divorces in RAD adoptive families for exactly the reason in the above paragraphs. Mainly this and many other reasons. So, choose to trust your spouse if these behaviors are happening.

 

Trusting Holy Spirit if Your RAD Adopted Child Isn’t Trustable:

         I have mixed feelings about trusting a RAD adopted child because of the lies they spew. I would encourage you to depend on the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom and discernment in each situation. The Holy Spirit is very helpful with all aspects of parenting.

I have written a couple posts on the subject of “What power is behind you” and that power is the Holy Spirit. Please read them to help with this topic. Building a relationship with Holy Spirit has some very helpful rewards.

God created Holy Spirit to lead us into all truth. Truth always helps us live in trust. They go hand in hand. So, partnering with your spouse, following the lead of Holy Spirit and trusting God knows what He is doing with your family – will fill most of your life with the  ability to trust.

The fact that you may never be able to trust your adopted RAD child needs to be accepted. Mostly for their sakes so you can keep them safe while they are still in your home. Then, when they leave, trusting in God to keep them safe needs to be priority for your own peace of mind.

Conclusion:

         This is all for today. Please leave me a comment in the box below. I would love to converse with you! See you next week…

 

 

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Three:

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

 Intro:

Hello there. Laurie here to talk about adoption and RAD issues. It’s what this blog is about so check out my previous posts. I’m sure they will be helpful if you are searching for answers in this area.

My last two posts were the first two posts of this five part series about encouragement. I am using the acronym of FAITH to make my points. Please check them out for some encouragement.

Today is the third step of encouragement. I am using the I in the acronym of FAITH. This subject is near and dear to my heart so please read further.

 

I for Injustice:

There is so much injustice in adoption situations. Here is a list of injustices which frustrate me to the core:

  1. An adopted child didn’t sign up for the pain of rejection and abandonment when their mother and father didn’t keep them. Even if the family had to give them up for a good reason – an adopted child usually never feels like they belong. Ugh! So unjust!!
  2. When a couple can’t have children and they get a child with RAD. Then this child presents emotionally destructive behavior wounding the adoptive parents. Wow! That goes deep!!
  3. When adoptive parents do everything they know to do for their adoptive RAD child – to no avail. It doesn’t work because the adopted child refuses love or help from anyone. This really sucks! I can attest to this because it happened to my husband and I with our two girls. Double whammy!!

 

Justice is very important to me! I have the personality that needs to see the good win over the bad. I also don’t give up easily – this can be good or bad depending on the situation.

 

Three Scriptures about God’s Justice for orphans:

1)  I am reminded of a post I wrote a while ago called the Orphans Psalm. It was about Psalm 10 and describes the actions of an orphan. In this Psalm the orphan is very rebellious – yet at the end of the chapter Father God expresses His desire for the orphan to NOT live in terror… What a good and kind God!

2)  I also want to point out the scripture in Prov. 23:10 where God stands up for the fatherless saying their defender is strong on their behalf and will take up their cause. God is the orphan’s defender.

3)  It says in Prov. 31: 8-9 – Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves and for the rights of all who are destitute. We are to speak up and judge fairly; defending the rights of the poor and needy… Orphans are definitely poor and needy!

 

God’s Justice of Parents:

1)  God said in his commandments for children to obey their parents. God always has our backs and He wants us to treat our children with justice and honor in return.

2)  It says in Prov. 22:6 – Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it… Again, God is with us and backs us as parents.

 

My Point:

 

God believes in family, parents and children. God invented justice because it is part of His character and desires for justice to prevail. This includes you and your difficult adopted RAD child. We don’t parent out of punishment or control. Instead we are to bring justice for all in the family. Children are to obey their parents for their lives to go well.

We need to decide to partner with God for this to happen. If you are reading this post – you’re probably looking for answers to some difficult situations. Your RAD adopted child is probably out of control and rejecting you on all levels.

I encourage you to surrender to God. Give Him your life, children and situations. He is the only one who can get through to your little one. He brings JUSTICE for all concerned because He invented Justice.

 

Conclusion:

If you have a comment please leave it in the box below. See you next week for the fourth part to this five part series. Until then…

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part Two

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement 

 Intro:

Hi all! This is Laurie and I developed this blog to support the adoptive families out there navigating through foster and adoption issues and RAD. Please look through my previous posts because they are all about adoption.

My last post was on the first step of encouragement in my acronym of FAITH. It was F for Failure. I shared on allowing our adoptive children to fail while they are still in our homes and have a safe place to land. Please check it out.

Today I am moving to the A in my acronym of FAITH. It is my desire to walk through these five steps of encouragement in order to boost all the adoptive parent out there who are discouraged by the difficulties of adoption life.

 

A for Afraid:

         I have yet to run into an adoptive parent of a RAD child who is not afraid about their child behavior and future. I also have yet to run into and adoptive RAD child who isn’t afraid. So, this post is about the fear on both sides of the family dynamic.

Being afraid, or in terror is never a good state of being but a part of this blog is about the fear in your adopted RAD child. Maybe you’re saying you don’t see fear in your child and see your child presenting quite the opposite which is the of fear of nothing. This can present a problem also.

Well, I’m here to talk about three types of fear an adopted RAD child has.

 

Three fears:

  1. Fear that you (the parents) will never return from a trip just like their birth mother didn’t return. My husband and I discovered this truth when we took a trip. Our adopted children treated our care giver terribly because they were afraid we wouldn’t come back. So, be encouraged – they really do want you in their lives even if it is on their terms of bad behavior and trying to control the situation.
  2. Even though they hold you at arm’s length and won’t bond – they have a fear that they will never be loved like they want to be loved. THEY make this nearly impossible because THEY have decided or vowed to sabotage your every effort to connect. Just like every other human on the earth – they need and want love so keep trying. Allow God to hold your heart in protection – but keep trying.
  3. The third fear is the one that attacked them when they discovered their birth mother left them. It is called terror. Terror is what altered them so they have closed their feelings off from everyone. The thing is – God can break through this. He invented adoption first so it is His desire to adopt everyone into His family.

 

 

Parental Fears:

God’s adoption is also offered to us as parents. We need to go to God with our own fears about our RAD child. He is the only one that can fix this difficult problem! Besides, fear is very hard on our bodies because of the stress involved. God wants to lead us into His peace that passes all comprehension.

We can’t change the lives of anyone through using fear. There is no situation that has been solved because we feared enough to change the destiny or direction of someone’s life or situation. Look to God for the answer to your fear.

God is the only one powerful enough to change someone’s heart. Switching your efforts into prayer instead of fear is the solution. So, let’s do that now. Please pray with me.

 

Prayer:

Lord I pray for the person who is reading this now. Please help them step out of the fear they have for their RAD adopted child and start depending on you and your power to affect their child for the changes that need to take place. Help them to surrender their child into your loving care and protection. Bring their child to a place of surrendering to you and your heart for adoption and destiny. Amen.

 

Conclusion:

Enough for today. Please come back next week to read more steps of encouragement. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until then…