Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement – Part One

Adoption RAD and Five Steps of Encouragement:

Intro:

Hello! This is Laurie and I have created this blog to encourage adoptive and foster families who are navigating through the issues of adoption. I have written all of my posts on the subject of adoption but have specifically targeted adoption RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Please scroll through my posts and have a look.

My last three posts were a series about RAD, DID and integration. It is about trauma and the results of a shattered heart called DID. I brought definition to DID (which is putting the heart back together again) and said I could help if you thought your child has a shattered heart. Please take a moment to read them. It may be helpful for your situation.

Today I am starting a five part series of posts about five steps of encouragement. I will be using an acronym FAITH. These are steps I have learned on my journey through the effects of adoption RAD which have launched me into faith instead of discouragement. I trust it will help you the in same way!

 

First Step – F For Failure:

         I don’t mean your failure – so take a deep breath and hear me out. I wrote a post a while ago about burden bearing which applies here so take a second and read it. We are to help people by bearing their burdens. Then we are to cast our burdens on the Lord. From this point it is God’s job to teach life lessons and we need to stay out of the way. Otherwise we are enablers.

Adopted RAD children need to fail in their efforts to hold everyone at arms distance (as a self-protection). They really need to fail at many things they do especially the ones allowing them to live life as an island. Failure is the only way they learn they aren’t as independent, tough and strong as they imagine.

 

Failure in Your Home with You:

         It is typical for parents – biological and adoptive – to want to fix things in the lives of their children. This is normal but not necessarily helpful. It is not realistic or your job to make life perfect for your children! When we do it creates “entitled” children that expect life outside our home to be perfect too. We all can attest life doesn’t treat anyone extra special.

So, let’s talk about allowing our children to fail while they are in our house – where they can be safe as they fail. For the RAD child failure is an impeccable teacher. So, what does this look like?

 

Thinking the Whole Situation Out:

One of the symptoms of RAD is the inability to have cause and effect thinking. This is to your advantage. Take the time and process the situation out to the end. This allows your thoughts to be ahead of your child’s and you can use it as a teaching tool.

I am not suggesting we use a situation to cause harm to any child! Let me say it again – I am not suggesting we use a situation to cause harm to any child! It is not my heart to harm. Instead, I propose we use every situation for the teaching opportunity it presents.

 

How Do We Allow Failure to Teach?

         Like I said – our RAD children don’t have cause and effect thinking so failure (as a teacher) allows learning opportunities. This prepares our children for life outside the walls of our home. Better they learn these failure lessons where they are safe and have a softer place to land (in your home). Again, they need to learn they are not as indestructible as they believe.

 

An Example of failure:

         The school my children went to had a pretty strict dress code. They weren’t allowed to wear zip up hoodies during school. My oldest adopted RAD child didn’t follow the rules and her hoody was confiscated. The school contacted me and I went in and got it. I explained to my daughter (again) the rule was easy – don’t wear it during school. I also said she would lose it if she did it again. She did it again and when I got it back and cut it up in front of her – I threw it away.

I already knew she would wear it again so I didn’t fix it by taking it away from her permanently the first time. This situation impacted her enough that it didn’t happen again with any other dress code issue. (I cut it up because I knew if I just threw it away she would retrieve it and wash it) Issue settled!

 

Conclusion:

         Think out the situations presenting themselves and find a teaching opportunity. Allow your children to fail in your home (now) so life doesn’t have to cruelly teach them later. This is being a responsible parent who isn’t an enabler.

My intention is to encourage adoptive parents out there to navigate through adoption issues and RAD with some tools. Hope this was helpful!! Please leave a comment in the box below. I would love to hear from you! Until next time…

Advertisements

Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering – Part Three:

Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering:

 Intro:

Hi there. I am back again with a post on the effects of adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). If you have an adopted child – chances are they may have some level of RAD. I have written many posts on the subject. Please check them out.

In my last two posts I’ve talked about RAD, DID and integration. The definitions for these words are below. Please read the definitions and my last two posts so you will be up to date on where I am going with this post.

Today I am going to specifically talk about adopted children and the trauma they go through. Trauma is what causes DID and it wouldn’t surprise me if most adopted RAD children are what I call “shattered” or DID. This post is the last post of this series.

 

RAD, DID and Integration Definitions:

 1)  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – When the birth mother gives her child up for adoption the child suddenly loses the only person they know for safety, comfort, and providing for their needs. Suddenly what was familiar is gone and at this point (even at days old) the child can make a vow in their heart that causes RAD. Usually the vow goes something like, “I will never let anyone close enough to me or my heart to hurt me like that ever again”, or “I will never attach to any one and I won’t let them attach to me.” The child precedes to live their life holding everyone at arm’s length – refusing to bond for attachment. This is the cause of RAD. It is a decision made by the adopted child.

2)  Shattering – Yes I am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because of trauma a person’s heart can “shatter” inside and have more than one part. More crudely put – their personality separates. It is still their personality only “shattered” into parts. Originally the person was one personality but because of the intensity of an event(s) the person didn’t stay present (or facing the event) and allowed another “part” of them self to come forward to face the trauma.

3)  Integration – When the parts are put back together again.

 

         The last two posts were for laying a foundation of understanding for DID shattering and integration. Now I’m going to apply it to adopted children with RAD. Many times they go together.

What adopted child didn’t grieve when their birth mother gave them up? If we think about the nine months they were in the birth mother’s womb – it was the child’s only universe. Her voice, movement, touch and smell was the only life they knew. Then it’s all gone. TERROR, ANGER, and bewilderment wouldn’t even begin to express what they were going through. This is trauma.

 

Two Parts: (or More)

If you are reading this post then you probably have an adopted child or an adopted RAD child and have seen the difference of how they act in public and how they act at home. Maybe they act differently at home because of two different people or shattered parts inside. For an adopted child I understand this is the results of RAD and a narcissistic personality but it also COULD be two parts in two different situations – public and home. Either way it is the results of trying to self-protect.

It is my understanding: When a person has parts they can switch -sometimes quickly – depending on which part wants to be the forward position at the time. What I mean by forward position: They seem to have a stage and one presenting part is on the stage at a time. According  to what is happening – a presenting part is on stage or in the forward position.

I believe an adopted RAD child shifts from part to part according to what they can handle or need at the moment. If they won’t let anyone close to emotionally attach – then they are living life alone and are the one who is providing for all they need. I think they shift from part to part to accomplish meeting their every need. Charming everyone and manipulating others feelings is shifting from part to part. Trauma has taught them every skill they need to achieve what they want.

People who are shattered may have many parts and can switch quickly. If there isn’t a part that wants to be on the stage they will keep switching until a part can be found who will face what is happening or has the skill to get what they want.

All of our adopted children have lived through some very traumatic events and I don’t believe shattering is too far a stretch to consider. What part is possibly in the forward position in your child? Do you think your child is shattered? Are they manipulating and shifting to get what they want? I can help.

 

Conclusion:

A child or baby can only face what they are able to at the moment. Most adopted children need healing. If you would like some help or need to talk please leave a comment in the box below. OR – I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Contact me and we can set up an appointment or have a phone conversation. I would love to help. Until next time…

[LB1]

Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering – Part Two

Adoption Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering

Intro:

         Hi all. Laurie here with another post. This blog is all about helping the foster and adoptive family navigate through adoption and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) issues. It is my desire to make the road of adoption easier for those out there struggling in your adoption experiences. Please check out other posts I’ve written on the subject of RAD.

My last post was part one in this series of three posts. I encourage you to read it before reading this one. It will help you understand this post.

Today I am continuing to speak on the topics of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and integration. The goal with DID is integration. Here are my three definitions below.

 

My Definitions:

1)  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – When the birth mother gives her child up for adoption the child suddenly loses the only person they know for safety, comfort, and providing for their needs. Suddenly what was familiar is gone and it is at this point (even at days old) this child can make a vow in their heart that causes RAD. Usually the vow goes something like, “I will never let anyone close enough to me or my heart to hurt me like that ever again”, or “I will never attach to any one and I won’t let them attach to me.” The child then lives their life holding everyone at arm’s length – refusing to bond for healthy attachment. This is the cause of RAD. It is a decision made by the adopted child.

2)  Shattering/DID– Yes I am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because of trauma a person can “shatter” inside and have more than one personality. More crudely put – their personality separates. It is still their personality only “shattered” into parts. Originally the person was one personality but because of the intensity of an event(s) the person didn’t stay present (or facing the event) and allowed another “part” of them self to come forward to face the trauma.

3)  Integration – when the parts are put back together.

 

DID Shattering:

         I know this is a blanket statement but trauma is a common occurrence in life and intense for some people. We all have lived through trauma but some have lived through much more trauma than others. Trauma causes DID and I wouldn’t be surprised if a large portion of humans are shattered – at least a little. You see, DID can have levels – from mild to severe. DID can vary from a couple parts to many.

Have you ever been driving a car and you can’t remember going through the last stoplight. This is a form of dissociation but not because of trauma. It’s about our thoughts being totally engrossed to the point we are somewhere else for a brief while in our minds.

This is not what I’m talking about in this post. I’m talking about when trauma was so intense the main personality (core) wasn’t able to face or bare the pain, abuse, or event at hand. The main personality disappeared and an alternate personality (or shattered part) came forward to lead and deal with the situation.

 

Honoring Again:

         Just as I said in my last post – a part needs to be honored because it is the result of the person’s inability to know what to do with what is happening to them. This part or parts have protected the person and helped them survive sometimes multiple horrific events without being fully emotionally destroyed.

It is important not to integrate a part if the person is still going through trauma or abuse. If this is the case any integration could possibly revert back to fracturing again for the sake of protection. Again this part has worked long and hard for the sake of protecting and keeping the person secure and safe.

A shattered (DID) person needs to feel safe and trust their best interests are the goal before any permission is given to anyone facilitating integration. Integration is the goal but the person has depended on these shattered part – sometimes for years. It is my understanding a part is like a friend and some have had them for a very long time.

 

Understanding:

I have laid a foundation of understanding in my last post and this one about DID.  My intention is to bring some understanding to very difficult terminology and connect it to the situation you may find yourself in or seeing in your adopted child.

 

Conclusion:

As I bring this post to a close I want to encourage you to come back again next week to read my next post. I will connect DID and RAD as I feel it applies to adopted children. They go through such trauma and I would not be surprised if they are shattered too.

Maybe you see some shattering in your child already and want to get them some help? I would love to help and can be contacted at Laurie@getrealliving.com Please contact me so we can set up an appointment.

Please leave a comment or question in the box below – I want to help.  God’s blessings! I’ll be right here again next week…

        

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering – Part One

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and DID Shattering

Intro:

I can’t help but put a plug in for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) as the main reason for my blog. That and helping adoptive families understand what they are going through when their children have adoption issues. You see, my husband and I adopted two lovely daughters from Thailand and without our knowledge – they both came to us with RAD in full swing. I’ve written many posts on this subject. Please have a look.

My last five posts were on inner peace. Peace is very important in life but especially needed when living with someone who has RAD. RAD is very challenging and I hope my last five posts will encourage you to stay in peace. Please check them out.

Today I am going to talk about shattering of the soul. Trauma can shatter any person but my focus is specifically on trauma due to adoption issues shattering the soul in relation to RAD. There will be three posts on this topic.

 

My Definitions:

1)  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) – When the birth mother gives her child up for adoption the child suddenly loses the only person they know for safety, comfort, and providing for their needs. Suddenly what was familiar is gone and it is at this point (even at days old) this child can make a vow in their heart that causes RAD. Usually the vow goes something like, “I will never let anyone close enough to me or my heart to hurt me like that ever again”, or “I will never attach to any one and I won’t let them attach to me.” The child then lives their life holding everyone at arm’s length – refusing to bond for healthy attachment. This is the cause of RAD. It is a decision made by the adopted child.

2)  Shattering/DID– Yes I am referring to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Because of trauma a person can “shatter” inside and have more than one personality. More crudely put – their personality separates. It is still their personality only “shattered” into parts. Originally the person was one personality but because of the intensity of an event(s) the person didn’t stay present (or facing the event) and allowed another “part” of them self to come forward to face the trauma.

3)  Integration – when the parts are put back together.

 

Adoption Trauma:

         I fully understand adoption is very traumatizing and I’m not surprised adopted children can have DID/shattering in addition to RAD when they make these vows. How is a baby supposed to know how to cope with the events happening to them? I might make the same vows if someone abandoned me. This brings me to what I am talking about today. How do we help our adopted children live a quality life and come into some form of healing and wholeness?

 

Starting with Honor:

We have to take some time to talk about honoring the shattered parts because they have helped the person survive and live life the best they knew how. Many times a shattered person allows a “defender part” to take the “forward or front” (the one presenting for the moment) position in a person because they are tuff and able to handle life more effectively.

This forward part may be strong but a person living in parts will not be as strong as a fully integrated (when all the parts are put back together again) person. They will experience life as though they are a puzzle and not as a whole person.

It is possible the person may not remember portions of their life if the forward part switches to other parts during their day or portions of their life. Many times the shattered person will not remember the younger years of their life or will not remember painful events because they “disappeared” or dissociate as means of survival.

 

So is Integration Possible?

Yes it is and I’ve helped some people integrate. I will talk some more on the subjects of DID and RAD in my next post. I pray you have a wonderful week and God will keep you safe. Blessings!!

 

Conclusion:

         Please leave a comment in the box below. Been nice sharing with you. Until then…

Adoption Parents – Developing Inner Peace – Part Five:

Developing Inner Peace – Part Five:

 Intro:

This blog is intended to help foster and adoptive families out there navigating through the difficulties of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Most of my posts are about RAD to some degree or another. Please check them out.

My last four posts were the first four letters of an acronym on PEACE. Please take a few moments to read them. They will help in understanding this post better. I am also including the opposing view of each acronym letter in order to provide a better view of God’s heart for you and your family.

Today I am sharing on the last letter E in the acronym PEACE. I hope it will be encouraging as well as enlightening. Then I will bring the five points on PEACE to a conclusion.

 

E for Empty vs. Engaged:

Dictionary meaning for empty:

  1. Having nothing inside or on the surface; holding or containing nothing.
  2. Having no occupants; not being used.
  3. Lacking force or power.
  4. Lacking purpose or substance.
  5. Needing nourishment; hungry.
  6. Devoid; destitute.

Dictionary meaning for engaged:

  1. Employed, occupied, or busy.
  2. Committed, as to a cause.
  3. Pledged to marry; betrothed: an engaged couple.
  4. Involved in conflict or battle.
  5. Partly embedded into, or attached to another part, as columns on a wall.

 

I know when I’m on empty – my peace is gone. Emptiness produces number three and number four in the above definition for empty. I’m lacking force, power, purpose and substance. BUT, God has a different point of view.

I like number one, two and five in the above definition for engage. We are to be employed, occupied, busy, committed, embedded and attached to what God wants for us and thinks about us as His children. This type of “state of being” brings the PEACE we are looking for. So, let us in return be engaged (as to a cause) with the Trinity for inner peace to reign. The results is a relationship with the Trinity. When we engaged with the Trinity – receiving relationship, revelation, direction and strategy – we find peace.

 

Pulling This Five Post Series on PEACE Together:

P = Presence of God to help us – not personal pressure to be what we aren’t able to be

E = Exclusively in Loving relationship with the trinity – not exiting our relationship with them

A = Affections of God received – not affliction from God – it’s Satan who afflicts

C = Covenant of Gods promises – not condemnation from God – Satan is the one who condemns

E = Engaged in building a relationship with the trinity for what we need – not empty with nothing to give

 

It is my desire to motivate you towards God for inner peace. The above words are more than just words. They have substance when used in the way I have suggested.

True peace is only achieved with a being BIGGER than us – and that is God. He holds our lives and times in His hands. He wants us to experience Him by allowing us to feel his presence.

He is truly an exclusive God and will not allow the first place in our hearts to be occupied by anything other than Him BECAUSE He values you greatly and gives you the same privilege in His heart. We are all equally valued – just as God values His son. We have the same inheritance as Jesus.

God wants our affection and His affection is mutually lavished on us. His intention towards us is always for our good. We easily forget it when Satan shows up to steal, kill and destroy important things in our lives. Don’t be fooled by who is doing what.

Who is the one giving covenant and who is giving condemnation? Many times we think it is God saying and doing all the negative when it doesn’t even begin to be part of His nature. Negativity is Satan’s language and kingdom – not God’s.

Finally, stay engaged in relationship with the Trinity for direction and purpose for your life. Life is too short to not walk out our destiny or live without peace. Part of your destiny is to live in peace while fulfilling what you were put on this planet to do.

 

Your RAD Child:

Yes, your RAD adopted child can affect your peace – but there is plenty of peace the Trinity can continually supply to you. It’s ok to keep asking for more peace. God is not stingy with what He possesses.

 

Conclusion:

So, live in the peace of the Trinity by accepting their presence, being exclusively theirs, accepting and giving affection, receiving their covenant and engaging in the right Kingdom and relationship with them. This is how to live in PEACE.

         If you would like help in your search for peace – I can help you. I am a life coach and can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Call and make an appointment.

         I would love to hear from you so please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…