Adoption RAD Victory

Adoption RAD Victory and Prayer

 Intro:

Hi all! I’m Laurie and I’m excited to share some things today! Before I get ahead of myself – I write this blog to encourage the foster and adoptive families out there who are living with difficult adoption and RAD issues. RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder. Please check out my previous posts on this subject.

My last post was about navigating through the summer while facing RAD symptoms every day – 24/7. You and your adopted RAD child will need a break from each another.. It’s OK to take a break.

Today I’m going to share some good news as it pertains to my two adopted RAD daughters. I have been praying in some very specific ways and I believe my husband and I are seeing some breakthroughs.

 

Prayer Breakthroughs:

         In previous posts I’ve explained my adopted daughters can’t attach because of their RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I’ve also written on the symptoms of RAD. (If you don’t know what RAD is please check out my previous posts) As a result of RAD, my oldest adopted daughter decided – at eighteen – she wasn’t a family member and went out on her own. She got into witchcraft, has been in jail and has spent time on the streets – homeless. She is now twenty-three years old.

Around two years ago I found a certain way of praying and started using this prayer procedure over my adopted RAD children. I prayed about everything I could think of for my children and waited to see if it was making any difference. Some time went by with no evidence but recently we are seeing some changes.

My husband and I got a chance to talk to our oldest adopted RAD daughter about a month ago and she shared some exciting news. She has counseled with a woman about her adoption issues and is dealing with them. This counselor is now having her speak to a group of adopted children in an effort to help these children deal with their issues. My daughter is also going to college this fall to take child psychology in order to help adopted children.

She was polite on the phone and sounded excited to have a direction in life. I could see she wanted to use her life for a bigger purpose of helping others instead of just revolving around herself. My husband and I were excited for her and are rejoicing to see her have a direction and purpose.

My youngest adopted daughter has RAD, and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). She needed to be removed from our home because she was going to kill me. She is nineteen and has finished a type of job core. She is now in a group home with a group of girls with similar symptoms.

My husband and I have talked to our youngest adopted daughter on the phone many times over the years and the conversations haven’t gone well. Our daughter has been volatile, verbally abusive and very narcissistic to us. BUT, we are recently seeing a change in her too.

She has currently accepted counseling and she is the calmest we have ever seen her. I’m amazed because she has NEVER been able to speak to anyone respectfully. My husband and I are still talking about it. We’re rejoicing in the difference!

 

Conclusion:

         I just wanted to share the good news and encourage all of you – there’s hope! The prayers of a father and mother are listened to by Father God – so keep praying!!

Please leave a comment in the box below. Talk to you next week. Until then…

 

 

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Adoption RAD and Summertime

RAD and Summertime

 Intro:

         I understand I have written many intros with the same content – but I have to take into consideration the new readers to this post…I am Laurie and I started this post to help foster and adoptive families who are navigating through the difficulties of RAD. RAD stands for Reactive Attachment Disorder and it begins in the heart of an orphan when the mother gives them away and they are desperately hurt by her. Then the orphan vows to not bond to anyone in an effort to not get hurt again. This causes them to hold EVERYBODY at arm’s length and not truly bond to ANYBODY. I have many posts on the subject – please have a look.

My last post was the third post on the subject of three human lies. I encourage you to check them out. I believe every human believes one to all of the three lies.

Today we are going to look at RAD and summertime. We are coming to that time of year. Many times summer is difficult for all in the adoptive family because the adopted RAD child intends to create constant chaos in the home and punishes the adoptive mother. Summer is supposed to be a time of family fun but ends up being a plethora of chaos.

 

What is an Adoptive Mother To Do?

         First of all you are not to be punished for the choices the birth mother decided to make. Even if the reason the birth mother gave your child up for adoption was because she was dying – your adopted child doesn’t have the right to make you pay for the birth mom’s troubles. You possibly weren’t even in the picture when the birth mother was making her adoption decisions.

 

Practical Help Over the Summer:

Here are some practical things you can do to counteract the chaos an adopted RAD child can create all summer long.

  1. Investigate your surrounding area for a counselor who has had experience with RAD. Most of the counselors in our area didn’t have a clue what RAD was so our girls were able to snooker them. We wasted a nice chunk of money and time trying counselor after counselor to no avail. So, do your homework.
  2. Keep your child busy because the more time they are focused on other activities besides punishing you – the better. Wearing them out is beneficial for the both of you.
  3. If they are old enough – allow them to work part time. My husband and I liked our adopted children to have money because it was one of the resources of discipline we used to bring restitution for the things in my house my adopted children intentionally broke.
  4. Have friends over if your adopted child is capable of keeping friends. This is another distraction to keep your child from constantly punishing you.
  5. Plan for them to go to some kind of educational summer camp program. They need to be exposed to different venues to have a broader educational experience. It will be good for the both of you and will also give their siblings a much needed break.
  6. Sign your adopted RAD child up for some type of class or tutoring
  7. Let them sell cookies and lemonade in the front yard if it is safe
  8. Have a yard sale they can make cookies for and help run

 

Summertime Survival:

I know both of my adopted children were more content with activity. Summer is a long time of togetherness and if your child has RAD they want to make the atmosphere in the home as chaotic as possible. Moms -it OK and healthy to want a reprieve. God Himself doesn’t think you need to be constantly abused by their punishment. He also took a rest on the seventh day of creation.

 

Take some time for yourself:

  1. Plan regular girlfriend nights out.
  2. Take a weekend trip with a friend or spouse.
  3. Do regular date nights with your spouse
  4. Take a class on something that interests you
  5. Go for walks

Just don’t succumb to the meanness of RAD to the point of depression and exhaustion. Don’t relent to constant punishment. Stay healthy with your time and RAD exposure.

 

Conclusion:

     If you want some life coaching – I can help you. I can be reaches at Laurie@getrealliving.com Call and make an appointment with me. I would love to help. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…

RAD and Three Human Lies – Part Three

Three Human Lies:

 Intro:

         This is Laurie and I write this blog to help foster and adoptive families navigate through adoption and RAD issues. RAD represents Reactive Attachment Disorder. As soon as the birth mother gives a child up the child can develop this disorder. Most of my posts relate to this disorder – please check them out.

         As you can see – this post is part three to this series of posts on Three Human Lies. It will help you understand this post if you would take a minuet and read parts one and two. Parts one and two were about the first and second of the three human lies.

Today I’m going to discuss the third lie and then bring this series of posts to a close. The third lie is “everyone has to treat me right.” I will list the three lies below for your convenience.

 

The Three Human Lies:

  1. I have to do everything right (two posts ago)
  2. God has to make everything go right for me (last post)
  3. Everyone has to treat me right

 

Everyone Has to Treat Me Right:

Typically a RAD adoptee is also narcissistic and enjoy charming and emotionally manipulating those around them. They get mad if someone isn’t manipulated or resists their “pulling of their heart strings.” It is “of course” always the other persons fault in a conflict according to the adoptee. (NOT!) But, that is the MO of a narcissistic RAD child.

These lies are basic human lies and I will venture to guess – you may identify with one or all of these lies. I know I did. I also know there is freedom when these lies are healed and put to rest.

I have written a two part series of posts called “Four Traps and Your RAD Adopted Child.” We all can fall into these traps. Please have a look at these previous posts. It explains why we need everyone to treat us right and why we have to do everything right.

If you have an adopted or adopted RAD child you can probably see this lie in them by their actions and verbiage. One of the symptoms of RAD is difficulty with friends because they live in self-pity and want everyone to feel sorry for them. Therefore, everyone has to treat them right. They feel life has especially dealt them a raw deal.

(Below is the list of two of the four traps from my previousposts on “Four Traps and Your RAD Adopted Child”)

 

Two of the four traps are:

  1. The approval trap – I need everyone to approve of me and treat me right.
  2. The performance trap – I have to do things right (This is the first lie listed above which I talked about two posts ago – please check it out)

 

How Do We Get Free From This Third Lie That Everyone Has to Treat Me Right:

The basis of this lie is founded on pride and is the results of living in a narcissistic society. It includes needing to feel legitimately significant to the human race which is innate and never a bad thing to want. The delineating line is between the state of self-effort vs. the state of being.

 

State of Self-effort:

In the state of self-effort, trying to make others behave towards us or anyone else correctly is impossible. Although, it is very healthy to put boundaries around yourself if someone abusing you. For most to all other cases – we ourselves don’t have the power to cause any other person to have 100% perfect behavior and responses. Can you say you can towards anyone else?

I’m not saying I have this down myself. While I’m writing this I can think of a relationship I have which I need to forgive and release them from my expectations. They don’t have the ability to be perfect all the time.

This leads me to my next point. Part of this third lie is simple forgiveness and accepting each other in our shortcomings and faults. We are not perfect and neither is anyone else. No one will ever treat us perfectly right and to expect them to is ridiculous. The same goes for ourselves. We are not perfect and no matter how hard we try – we will fail someone.

 

State of Being:

When God created the world He did all he was going to do in the first six days. The seventh day he rested with the creation He created. So, Adam and Eve were just in a “state of being with God” on the seventh day. This is what I’m talking about. Jesus came and met all the requirements on the cross. This put us back into the relationship Adam and Eve had with God when scripture says God walked with them in the cool of the day.

Building a relationship with God will help to bring an understanding of already being accepted which is a state of being. This is where you are fully loved and treated right by God. Expecting to be treated right by mankind is futile and will never ever happen.

 

Conclusion:

So, if you find you’re stuck in any or all of these lies or your RAD child is – please let me help you. You can contact me at Laurie@getrealliving.com My name is Laurie if you want a life coaching session and someone will help you set it up. Please leave a comment in the box below. Until next week…

RAD and Three Human Lies – Part Two

 Human Lie number Two:      

 Intro:

Hello there. I am Laurie and the point of my blog is to help foster and adoptive families out there that have RAD adopted children. RAD is a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is difficult to navigate through. I have written many posts on this disorder. Please check them out.

This series is about three human lies and I am focusing on the RAD adopted child and their belief about these lies. My last post was the first post of this series of three posts. Please take a minuet to read it. It is about the first lie of having to do everything right.

Today I’m continuing with the second lie as it relates to an adopted RAD child. Adoptees have a tendency to believe all three of these lies. Most everyone else believes one or more of them too. I will list the three lies again below to refresh your memory.

 

The Three Human Lies:

  1. I have to do everything right
  2. God has to make everything go right for me
  3. Everyone has to treat me right

 

Lie Number Two – God Has to Make Everything Go Right For Me:

  1. There are several directions I could go with this lie: Scripture says that God owns everything including us – we are stewards only. God is in charge and we are to participate in His vision and heart’s desire. God doesn’t have to make everything go right for me. He is the one leading – not the other way around. How do we even begin to believe we can expect God to submit to our whims and expectation? Wouldn’t that put God at our disposal instead of us at His?
  2. God uses difficulties to build our character: I have never seen God make everything go right, all the time, for anybody. He is the ultimate power of the universe – so needing Him to make everything go right for us is nowhere on His to do list. He makes the maturity process (including difficulties) go right so we become adults with wisdom in our hearts.

My pastor says there is a no in God’s yes. He says yes to who we are and our destiny but our destiny needs character building and it is the difficult things in life that build character maturity. Once we become mature – God’s yes produces the manifestation and realization of our destiny.

3. If everything went right there would be no need for God in our lives. I feel sorry for God because most of mankind won’t turn to Him unless it is the last resort. Plus, when things go wrong – God is the first person who we all accuse for holding out, not being fair, and being unkind, etc. What an entitled way to treat the creator of everything.

 

RAD Troubles With Lie Number Two:

          We live in a narcissistic society and lie number two is a symptom of such a society. On top of that – a RAD adopted child usually is narcissistic because they live in self-pity and want everyone – including God – to feel sorry for them. They charm and manipulate (narcissistic symptoms) in order to get their needs met. Although this a little understandable – self-pity and narcissism are never helpful to anyone.

Like I said above, the difficult things in life are usually the very things that God – through our maturing process – uses to develop our character and destiny. This is exactly what happens with most RAD adopted children. If only they would relent and learn what they need to learn from the difficulties – their destinies would be realized quicker. God is the one who commissions them to the next place – including into their destiny.

When a person is in their destiny – it is a place of satisfaction and delight. Destiny goes along with what a person was created by God to do on this earth. So, wanting God to fulfill lie number two and “make everything go right for me” is the total opposite direction to finding satisfaction, delight and fulfillment in living. We all need to go through this process of maturing to enter destiny.

 

Conclusion:

          So, if you or your RAD adopted child believing this lie – I can help you. I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Call and make an appointment with me. I would love to help.

Below is a comment box – please leave a comment. I want to hear from you! Until next time…