Can You Refuse the Effects Of RAD?

Intro:

The purpose of Abba Father and His Love blog is to become a source of encouragement to the foster and adoptive families who have children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have several posts on the subject of RAD. Please check them out.

I just finished a series of posts called, “What Power is Behind You.” These posts describe Holy Spirit who has seven facets. (Isa. 11: 2). I encourage the parents of RAD children to look to the Holy Spirit. He gives his spirit, wisdom, understanding, counsel, and knowledge – all in the fear of the Lord.

Today I’m going to address the self-esteem issues that adoptive mothers face as they navigate the tumultuous journey of parenting an RAD child. I’ll talk  about the heart and soul issues of “failing” and “being good enough” and how to refuse your child’s impeding rejection.

 

Foster and Adoptive Moms:

A mother’s self-esteem can be eroded from all directions when parenting an RAD child. When the bombardment is chronic, an adoptive mother can start to feel invisible, insignificant, non-viable and lacking legitimacy. I’m sure many other adjectives could apply here but for the sake of the clarity, I will stick with these four words.

 

Definitions of These Words:

For a mother – feeling visible, significant, viable and having legitimacy is very important. For a mother with an adopted child(ren) with RAD–it’s not just important—it’s necessary. (I’ve used the definition found on my phone app for these four words)

  • Visible –

1)  Possible to see; perceptible to the eye

2)  Apparent; manifest; obvious

3)  Being constantly or frequently in public view

4) Prepared for visual presentation

 

  • Significant –

1)     Having or expressing a meaning; indicative

2)     Having or likely to have a major effect

3)     Important, notable, momentous or of consequence

4)     Having a special, secret, or disguised meaning

 

  • Viable –

1) Capable of success or continuing effectiveness

2) Having the ability to grow or develop

 

  • Legitimacy –

1) Undisputed credibility

2) Authenticity, genuineness

3) The quality of being believable or trustworthy

 

When You’re Feeling Like a Failure and Not Good Enough as a Mother:

 All mothers at one time or another feel like failures or feel like they don’t measure up. If you haven’t, then you probably haven’t hit the teenage years yet or have very compliant or perfect children. LOL! That would be a first.

For the parent of an adopted RAD child(ren) – you wouldn’t be reading this blog unless you are struggling and in search for answers to what in the world is wrong with your parenting and your adopted child.

 

Impeding Bombardment:

 1)     Impeding – means to retard or obstruct the process of

2)     Bombardment – means to assail persistently; harass. The rapid and continuous delivery of linguistic communication (spoken or written); a barrage of questions.

Impeding bombardment is exactly what  RAD child intentionally try to do to an adoptive mother’s self-esteem. There are many reasons the adopted RAD child acts the way they do, and this is written about in detail in some of my previous posts. Please check out those posts. They will help in understanding this post.

For this post, I’m zeroing in on the intentions of the RAD child’s need to destroy the adoptive mother’s self-esteem. They want the adoptive mother to feel invisible, insignificant, non-viable and not legitimate as their mother. They take great pains to constantly use impeding bombardment towards your heart and mind. They use the consistent communication of rejection with the intention to wound you to prevent you from bonding and building relationship with them.

After an accumulation of years with this treatment, an adoptive mother can lose sight of who she is and feel like a failure and or not good enough. I know I did. I felt invisible, insignificant, non-viable and not legitimate as my adopted RAD children’s mother. I felt like a failure and not good enough.

 

Conclusion:

 No one can intrude on your feelings or self-esteem unless you allow them to. In response to the constant rejection and impeding bombardment I had to regularly tell myself: 

1)     I’m not the one who can’t bond or build relationship.

2)     I’m capable of deeply loving and nurturing another being.

3)     I’m not the one sabotaging connection or intentionally rejecting in order to deeply wound.

4)     I love for the sake of loving and not for the sake of manipulation.

5)     I am good enough

6)     I’m not the one failing if it is the other person who is preventing the relationship

7)     God loves me and loves the way I love.

8)     I’m visible, significant, viable and legitimately their mother (I have two adopted RAD children).

 

Adoptive fathers and husbands to your lovely wife: Listen to me. There is no other time in your wife’s life that she will need your support than at this time of trying to win over the heart of your child. If you want to be her hero – be it now! Encourage her and tell her she is doing a good job. It’s your child’s RAD that is preventing bonding and I’m sure your wife will need repeated encouragement that it is not her fault. Your child can’t bond at this point and they were this way before you brought them into your home.

 

Moms – It is so important to keep Father God’s thoughts about you close at hand. He sees you and loves you deeply. He knows how hard this journey of RAD is and surely doesn’t want you destroyed in the process. Go to Him, Jesus and Holy Spirit for everything you need. They want to give you wisdom, understanding, counsel and knowledge to resist the intentional meanness of RAD. You are good enough and haven’t failed in the Trinity’s eyes! They see you as valuable, loved and significant to the process.

 

If you need my help in processing through these issues, please call Unleashed Healing Center and ask to make an appointment with me. My name is Laurie. I am a life coach and I would love to help you through this. Visit unleashedhealingcenter.com for more information… Please leave a comment below. Until next week…

 

 

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