Does Joy Wreck the RAD Child’s Intentions to Win by Rejecting?

Joy and Thanksgiving

 Intro:

 Hello there – I’m Laurie and this blog is for the foster and adopted parents of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) children. My intention for this blog is to encourage you on your journey of navigating through RAD issues. I just finished a four part series called, “What Power is Behind You” on the Holy Spirit as our help. Then my last post was about encouraging adoptive mothers titled, “Can You Refuse the Effects of RAD?” Please check them out.

Today I’m going to talk about joy and its effects on RAD. The Lord is leading me to write on this partly because of the holiday we are celebrating. Psalm 100:4 “Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name.”

 

 How can Joy wreck the RAD child’s intention to win by rejection?

  Remember the post I wrote titled, “What does your RAD adopted child need most from you?” The reason for that blog was to explain – your RAD child requires you to be strong before they will allow you to love them. This post is a way to be strong.

The RAD child wants everyone to reject the adoptive mother just like they do. As a matter of fact they hate when the adoptive mother acts happy or joyful because to them it shows failure in their attempts to dismiss the adoptive mother out of existence in the family. Their hate for the adoptive mother is extensive and they want the mother out of her position as wife to the adoptive father. The adopted child, if she is a girl, wants the adoptive mother’s position in the family instead.

 

You ARE Their Mother?

        Being an adoptive mother requires you to make some unconventional decisions and behavioral alterations to win over the heart of your child. Parenting a RAD child is not how a normal emotionally-BONDED child is parented. Regular “parenting” doesn’t work with a RAD adopted child!

I’m sure there have been times when you have been disillusioned about why you wanted adopted children. In the beginning it was so exciting when you were waiting to receive this beautiful little one into your home. You probably had dreams of how your life and family would turn out. That they would receive your love and care and then love you back. I know – I was there.

Then life went on and our RAD adopted children started acting out. The sabotaging, rejecting, and manipulating started and I didn’t know what end was up! I completely understand.

 

Being Joyful For the Sake of Showing Strength:

 Being joyful does show your child you are strong enough to trust. Then, hopefully, they will decide to let you close enough to their heart to love them. This can take a while.

At first they will hate you for being happy. To them NO ONE should be happy because they are miserable. So therefore the adoptive mom should especially not be happy because she doesn’t deserve it in their mind.

My advice to you moms: Take every opportunity to be as happy and joyful as you possibly can be. Sing, whistle and dance to your hearts content. It will eventually get through to your RAD adoptive child that they don’t have the power they think they have over you. It will also position you in a better place in your heart and spirit. Make the holiday of “Thanksgiving” a year around event. Your RAD child will eventually get the hint and maybe join in.

 

Conclusion:

        I hope this post helps! If you want to talk please leave a comment below. I would love to help! Talk to you later…

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Can You Refuse the Effects Of RAD?

Intro:

The purpose of Abba Father and His Love blog is to become a source of encouragement to the foster and adoptive families who have children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have several posts on the subject of RAD. Please check them out.

I just finished a series of posts called, “What Power is Behind You.” These posts describe Holy Spirit who has seven facets. (Isa. 11: 2). I encourage the parents of RAD children to look to the Holy Spirit. He gives his spirit, wisdom, understanding, counsel, and knowledge – all in the fear of the Lord.

Today I’m going to address the self-esteem issues that adoptive mothers face as they navigate the tumultuous journey of parenting an RAD child. I’ll talk  about the heart and soul issues of “failing” and “being good enough” and how to refuse your child’s impeding rejection.

 

Foster and Adoptive Moms:

A mother’s self-esteem can be eroded from all directions when parenting an RAD child. When the bombardment is chronic, an adoptive mother can start to feel invisible, insignificant, non-viable and lacking legitimacy. I’m sure many other adjectives could apply here but for the sake of the clarity, I will stick with these four words.

 

Definitions of These Words:

For a mother – feeling visible, significant, viable and having legitimacy is very important. For a mother with an adopted child(ren) with RAD–it’s not just important—it’s necessary. (I’ve used the definition found on my phone app for these four words)

  • Visible –

1)  Possible to see; perceptible to the eye

2)  Apparent; manifest; obvious

3)  Being constantly or frequently in public view

4) Prepared for visual presentation

 

  • Significant –

1)     Having or expressing a meaning; indicative

2)     Having or likely to have a major effect

3)     Important, notable, momentous or of consequence

4)     Having a special, secret, or disguised meaning

 

  • Viable –

1) Capable of success or continuing effectiveness

2) Having the ability to grow or develop

 

  • Legitimacy –

1) Undisputed credibility

2) Authenticity, genuineness

3) The quality of being believable or trustworthy

 

When You’re Feeling Like a Failure and Not Good Enough as a Mother:

 All mothers at one time or another feel like failures or feel like they don’t measure up. If you haven’t, then you probably haven’t hit the teenage years yet or have very compliant or perfect children. LOL! That would be a first.

For the parent of an adopted RAD child(ren) – you wouldn’t be reading this blog unless you are struggling and in search for answers to what in the world is wrong with your parenting and your adopted child.

 

Impeding Bombardment:

 1)     Impeding – means to retard or obstruct the process of

2)     Bombardment – means to assail persistently; harass. The rapid and continuous delivery of linguistic communication (spoken or written); a barrage of questions.

Impeding bombardment is exactly what  RAD child intentionally try to do to an adoptive mother’s self-esteem. There are many reasons the adopted RAD child acts the way they do, and this is written about in detail in some of my previous posts. Please check out those posts. They will help in understanding this post.

For this post, I’m zeroing in on the intentions of the RAD child’s need to destroy the adoptive mother’s self-esteem. They want the adoptive mother to feel invisible, insignificant, non-viable and not legitimate as their mother. They take great pains to constantly use impeding bombardment towards your heart and mind. They use the consistent communication of rejection with the intention to wound you to prevent you from bonding and building relationship with them.

After an accumulation of years with this treatment, an adoptive mother can lose sight of who she is and feel like a failure and or not good enough. I know I did. I felt invisible, insignificant, non-viable and not legitimate as my adopted RAD children’s mother. I felt like a failure and not good enough.

 

Conclusion:

 No one can intrude on your feelings or self-esteem unless you allow them to. In response to the constant rejection and impeding bombardment I had to regularly tell myself: 

1)     I’m not the one who can’t bond or build relationship.

2)     I’m capable of deeply loving and nurturing another being.

3)     I’m not the one sabotaging connection or intentionally rejecting in order to deeply wound.

4)     I love for the sake of loving and not for the sake of manipulation.

5)     I am good enough

6)     I’m not the one failing if it is the other person who is preventing the relationship

7)     God loves me and loves the way I love.

8)     I’m visible, significant, viable and legitimately their mother (I have two adopted RAD children).

 

Adoptive fathers and husbands to your lovely wife: Listen to me. There is no other time in your wife’s life that she will need your support than at this time of trying to win over the heart of your child. If you want to be her hero – be it now! Encourage her and tell her she is doing a good job. It’s your child’s RAD that is preventing bonding and I’m sure your wife will need repeated encouragement that it is not her fault. Your child can’t bond at this point and they were this way before you brought them into your home.

 

Moms – It is so important to keep Father God’s thoughts about you close at hand. He sees you and loves you deeply. He knows how hard this journey of RAD is and surely doesn’t want you destroyed in the process. Go to Him, Jesus and Holy Spirit for everything you need. They want to give you wisdom, understanding, counsel and knowledge to resist the intentional meanness of RAD. You are good enough and haven’t failed in the Trinity’s eyes! They see you as valuable, loved and significant to the process.

 

If you need my help in processing through these issues, please call Unleashed Healing Center and ask to make an appointment with me. My name is Laurie. I am a life coach and I would love to help you through this. Visit unleashedhealingcenter.com for more information… Please leave a comment below. Until next week…

 

 

What Power is Behind You vs. RAD? – Part Four

Seven Fold Holy Spirit – Part Four Conclusion

 Intro:

This blog is about helping the adoptive and foster families navigate through adoption issues of  Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have written on RAD issues in several of my posts. Please take the time to check them out.

My last three posts were about Holy Spirit and His help in our times of need. The first post of this series was specifically on Wisdom. In the second post of this series, I broke the other six parts of the seven fold Holy Spirit down and gave several scriptures relating to each part. In the third part of this series, I started to give application of each part and how you could ask each part of the Holy Spirit to help you.

Today I’ll finish talking about the last three parts of the seven fold Holy Spirit and bring everything to a conclusion concerning “What power is behind you vs. RAD?”

 

The Spirit of Might:

 You receive power from on high when the Holy Spirit comes on you. (Acts 1:8) This scripture shows a perfect picture of how Holy Spirit works with mankind. God hasn’t left us alone to solve our problems with our own feeble power. In Rom. 8:11 and Rom. 15:13 God tells us that the same Spirit that was on Jesus is in us and the Holy Spirit gives us power (might), hope, joy and peace.

           Application:

Before I went through all that I did with our RAD daughters, I had the mentality that what I did in my own strength was good enough and would accomplish so many things. And yes our own strength can do some. But when I encountered RAD, I was knocked on my butt. Love was supposed to be the power that broke through everything. It just wasn’t my love that could do it.

Ask the Spirit of Might to break through your child’s stony heart. Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit have all the answers. They want to come through for you and your child.  Learn to include them in everything you are doing with your adopted child. It is a process of learning about the Trinity and building a relationship with them. Besides, who doesn’t want might, hope, joy and peace when facing the symptoms of RAD?

 

 The Spirit of Knowledge:

 The Spirit of Knowledge will guard you and you’re to preserve Knowledge in your heart and choose Him over gold. Wise men store up Knowledge and through Knowledge the righteous escape. Knowledge comes easily to the discerning and the prudent are crowned with Knowledge. The lips of the wise spread Knowledge and the lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel. Through Knowledge the rooms in a house are filled with rare and beautiful things.

          Application:

The scriptures on knowledge which speak the most to me are the ones on lips and our house being filled with beautiful things. Our words are life and death and God gives us an opportunity to partner with knowledge to impart words of life into our love ones. That is what makes a home full of beautiful things. Ask Knowledge to come into your discussions. He knows how to fill your mouth with words that will make a difference to your child’s heart.

  

The Spirit of the Fear of the Lord:

 The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom. He teaches us wisdom, gives us life, is a fountain of life, and turns us from the snares of death. Humility and the Fear of the Lord bring wealth, honor and life. A man avoids evil through the Fear of the Lord.

          Application:

If we are to learn anything from wisdom we have to learn from the Fear of the Lord about wisdom. That should be our focus and prayer. Take time to include Holy Spirit’s Fear of the Lord into your situations too. Ask Father God to teach and impart to you all seven parts of the Holy Spirit. He will show you how to implement them into every day life.

  

Conclusion:

God has a protocol that we are to follow. Not for the sake of controlling us but for learning from tutors and guardians (please refer to the scripture in Gal.4:1-2). Holy Spirit will teach us (as our tutor and  guardian) how to navigate this world and develop our relationships. This is a prime example of gaining all the resources we need to succeed in parenting.

 

Holy Spirit will impart Himself as the Spirit of the Lord, wisdom, understanding, counsel, knowledge, might, and the fear of the Lord. So, take the time to get to know the seven fold Holy Spirit and let Him guide you. God wants us to experience the “deep calling unto deep.” Here it is – grab ahold and learn from the best tutors and guardians we could ever have!! Holy Spirit is the power behind us vs. RAD!!

Please leave a comment below. I would love to talk with you! Until next week…

What Power is Behind You VS. RAD? – Part Three:

Seven Fold Spirit of God

 

INTRO:

Hello everyone! For those who have just found this blog I am Laurie and this blog is to help foster and adoptive families dealing with RAD issues. Our family has experienced the difficulties of RAD. I want to come alongside you and express what I’ve discovered. Please go back and read previous posts to get more acquainted with my purpose through the information available at Abba Father and His Love.

My last two posts were about the seven fold Holy Spirit—the power behind you on your journey. The first post of this four part series specifically talks about the Spirit of Wisdom. The second addresses the other six parts of Holy Spirit. In this post I want to culminate these aspects of the Holy Spirit so you can grasp the power behind you as you face RAD in your family. There will be a fourth part to this series next week.

 

Pulling It All Together:

 I would encourage you to read through Psalm and Proverbs in the Bible. It seems to have the greatest descriptions of the seven parts that make up the Holy Spirit. It also puts Holy Spirit in the light of the third “Person” of the Trinity/Godhead. Acts has some pretty amazing descriptions also.

It is so important to know you have three “Persons” that are helping you in your time of need. The combination of the “Three Persons” of the Trinity/Godhead are astounding and cover every need that surfaces in your life. Please read further to understand what I mean.

 

Who They Are and What Do They Do? :

 Father God – He is the Father of the universe and yet He wants you as His family member. He wants you to have a close relationship with Him and depend on Him as your protector, provider and the one who develops your identity. He looks at you with loving eyes and draws you to Him with kindness and grace. He can’t stop loving you.

 

Jesus – He said yes to Father God when the world needed a Savior.. He died the most gruesome death so you and I could live in a new covenant that includes eternal life. When we accept Him we become His bride and a son/daughter of God. His blood covers all our sins so we can have a new beginning and He will come and take us with Him and to heaven at the end of the age. He can’t stop loving us either.

 

The Third “Person” of the Trinity:

 The Trinity are all about family but the Holy Spirit is who this post is about. I am going to break down each part of the Holy Spirit to make Holy Spirit practical to your everyday life. That sounds sac-religious, but that is the farthest thing from what I’m trying to accomplish here. I’m intending the exact opposite.

When we are in the thick of what is negatively happening in our home because of adoption RAD, we need to have the Holy Spirit to draw upon. The seven parts of the Holy Spirit are exactly what we need in the midst of conflict.

In the last post – I gave you some scriptures that put each part of the Holy Spirit in the light of a person. I did that intentionally because He is a person. He is our helper, comforter, nurturer, and teacher. The New Testament has several scriptures that say so.

As I break this down, please try to apply what I’m saying to your everyday practical lives. It will take practice to learn to stop and include the Holy Spirit into the present pressing conflict and apply what you know of Holy Spirit.

(Isa. 11:2 and Rev.4:5 are the scriptural references I’m using as the foundation for the Holy Spirit having seven parts)

 

Spirit of the Lord:

 The Spirit of the Lord is on you, in you, and gives you life and liberty. He will teach you all things and will bring all things to your remembrance. He searches all things, intercedes for us and quickens us.

If that is only part of what Holy Spirit is to us or does for us – He is truly amazing. I have only given you just a few scriptures about Him. Please study farther about the Spirit of the Lord. I’m sure you’ll find more.

       Application:

When you’re in the trenches with the RAD symptoms and feel alone, discouraged, and confused as to what to do – Holy   Spirit is the one in you that brings all things to remembrance, gives liberty and searches all things. Ask Him what to do and say.

 

Spirit of Wisdom:

 She is awesome (please see part one of this series for more information on wisdom than what’s written here). We are to love her like God does because He says she is Supreme (Wisdom is referred to as a She in scripture). She loves us, loves creation and will pour her heart out to us if we love her. There are so many more things Wisdom is and does. Because God puts so much emphasis on Wisdom and gaining what she has – we should too!

         Application:

Get Wisdom! She will help you in every situation. She is at every path, gate, entrance and city. She calls to you – answer her call. Her value is great and she loves you and your child deeply.

 

Spirit of Understanding:

 He helps us acquire discipline, prudence and doing what is right, just and fair. He helps us understand the fear of the Lord and we are blesses when we find him and wisdom.  He is our kinsman and we are to walk in His ways. He is a fountain of life and he helps us hold our tongues. If we cherish Him we will prosper and will be able to draw out the deep things in others. He keeps us from the company of the dead and establishes our house.

          Application:

We need all of the above to get through to an adopted RAD child. We especially need our house established. Ask for Understanding into your situations. He has “understanding” beyond our capabilities and we need all the help we can get. Through His help we can draw out the deep things in our child and help them.

 

 Spirit of Counsel:

 He belongs to wisdom and if we receive Him we have wisdom too.

          Application:

All the scriptures having to do with counsel have to do with wisdom. Check out my first post of this series because the whole thing was about Wisdom.

Again, in the middle of a situation, wisdom and counsel are willing to help us navigate the hard issues that we come face-to-face with.

 

I will continue with the Spirits of Might, Knowledge and the Fear of the Lord next time in Part Four and bring everything to a conclusion. Thanks for listening.

 

If you have a comment please make it in the box below. Nice talking to you. See you next week…