Creating Adoption Walls

Creating Walls and Adoption Walls

 My last post was about vows, pain and adoption issues. I talked about when life can be painful – causing us to make vows in our hearts which can be in direct contrast to how our destiny is supposed to be fulfilled. Please have a look.

Today I am going to talk about adoption walls. I also want to reiterate that this blog is about encouraging foster and adoptive families going through tough issues with foster and adopted children. All of my posts are intended to speak into this  and offer points of view you may not have thought about. Please read further.

 

Creation of walls:

Today I’m going to continue talking about healing tools by discussing walls. Walls are the way we keep others at a distance so we don’t get hurt again. (Sounds a lot like vows doesn’t it?) Walls, pain and vows work in tandem. Repeated emotional trauma is a different element to these topics which causes walls to become very thick and difficult to penetrate. Not everybody has experienced trauma, but everybody has felt pain and vows which produce walls.

 

Walls:

Painful reoccurring experiences are the foundation of walls. The following are examples of situations causing walls to form as a result of pain and vow-making.

  1. Pain occurs:

Example: You get made fun of or berated to the point of frustration in a public setting. As a result, you feel ashamed and embarrassed.

2. Vow is made as a result of the painful situation that occurred:

Example: “I vow I will never again be vulnerable to anyone about my personal feelings so that they can use my information against me in public!”

Granted it is wisdom to not divulge personal information to just anyone but making a vow like this closes off the potential for any meaningful relationships to develop.

3. Wall is built as a result of similar painful situations re-enforcing our vow:

It’s possible that several other vows have been made. The wall is created in effort to keep people at a distance in accordance to the vow(s) that have been made.

4. If trauma or abuse occurs, this can cause very thick walls to be formed:

A person who has dealt with trauma is usually “shattered inside”—or has learned to disassociate and fragment themselves in order to not allow for their whole person to be exposed to pain. This results is an inability of their whole person to be present in the moment.

Trauma can cause people to disappear emotionally (or allow parts of themselves to disappear emotionally) in order to survive.

 

Healing and our adopted child:

 It is important for us (as the parents) to deal with our pain, vows and walls in order to help our adopted child to do the same. We can allow God access to our pain in order to heal it. Next, we break agreement with our vows and allow God to take down our walls.

Much like many adults, every adopted child deals with pain, vows and walls. Many also deal with thick walls and trauma. So, if you are interested – I am a life coach at unleashedhealingcenter.com. Give the office a call and tell them that you have been following my blog. My name is Laurie and someone will be happy to help you make an appointment with me. I would be glad to help you or your child.

  

Please make a comment in the box below if you have a thought about what I have shared about. Will be talking with you next time. Thanks for listening! Until next week…

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Vows, Pain and Adoption Issues

Intro:

Hi all! My computer was broken so I haven’t posted a blog for three weeks. I have all my computer issues fixed and am up and running again. My next healing discussion is about vows, pain and adoption issues. I hope it gives you insight into what you are going through. I pray that the Lord speaks to you and heals your hurting hearts.

My last post was about four landing strips that Satan uses to kill steal and destroy. This post is about the pain that happens in an adoptive family especially when there is RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) involved. I would like to examine this from both the adopter and adoptee’s perspective – acknowledging “both sides of the coin,” so to speak.

 

Description:

No one wants to experience emotional pain. When we do, it’s completely natural to cover our hearts. Many times in the process of being self-protecting we come into agreement with declarations in our hearts that are against the destiny of our lives. These declarations are called vows.

 

Vows:

In past posts I’ve talked about vows made by an RAD child when they discover their birth mother is gone for good. A common vow is to not let anyone into their heart again. Let’s list some possibilities of vows your adopted child could have made:

 1)      To not let anyone that close to their heart and hurt them ever again.

2)      To not trust anyone.

3)      To not trust woman.

4)      To be their own mother.

5)      To be their own father.

6)      To create their own morals.

7)      To be God in their own life.

8)      To manipulate everyone to get their needs met.

9)      To meet their own needs in whatever way possible.

10) To sabotage every relationship.

11) To cause as much pain as possible to anyone who cares and loves them.

12) To find their birth mom and reunite with her. (This is not a bad desire, but sometimes it’s not possible for their own safety or in mental reality.)

The above vows are ways to self-protect and survive. The instinct to survive is natural and there are reasons to self-protect in many situations. But, self-protection and survival efforts become destructive when they hinder social maturity, learning to love and be loved, and the fulfillment of our destiny. We are all created to walk out the destiny God purposed for us to fulfill and making vows of self-protection and survival can hinder this process.

God never desired for your child to be hurt over and over because they were moved from foster home to foster home, etc. Self-protection is a natural development in these types of scenarios, but as the child starts to mature, the vows created in their heart must be addressed and healed for the child to have fulfilling relationships and walk in their destiny.

Consider this real example of the destructive vow we experienced in our adopted daughters. They both vowed to find their birth moms and reunite with them. They reasoned in their own minds that we stole them from their birth moms. Our first adopted child’s mom died and our second daughter’s mom was mentally impaired to the point that she couldn’t parent. So, the vows above and the vow to not trust anyone came into play here.  As a results, they refused to trust the TRUTH that we didn’t steal them.

Vows cause havoc in lives and detours us from the destiny we are to walk in. These vows keep us from loving and being loved. As a result, our pain builds barriers around our heart. Unless we heal and come into freedom, our vows hinder our personal growth and our relationships suffer dearly.

 

Parental Vows:

 We looked at the vows that an adopted (RAD) child can make. Now let’s look at some scenarios and vows an adoptive parent can make in response to their RAD child’s behavior. Here are some possible vows:

 1)     Scenario: Your adopted child has RAD and is rejecting you – Examples: so I vow to

  1. Love more
  2. Try longer
  3. Work harder to get behind the blockage.

RESULT: Because of their vow(s) they won’t let you close. There is pain from rejection.

2)     Scenario: Your adopted child is sabotaging your every effort to do anything with them to have quality time together – Examples: so I vow to

  1. I must alter myself so that they will like me.
  2. I must find the door that will give me access into their heart.
  3. I must find some miracle activity that will cause my child to bond to me.

RESULT: You are adjusting yourself and being someone you are not. Plus they won’t let you close because of their vow(s). The pain is from rejection and not being accepted for who we are.

3)     Scenario: Your RAD child is lying about you to the people in your community – Examples: so I vow to

  1. Stay out of the public eye – becoming depressed because no one understands and your relationships suffer.
  2. Try to explain to everyone what is happening in our home.

RESULT: If it is a lie – you didn’t do anything wrong and God is your defender. The pain is from being presented as something against your character.

4)     Scenario: You can’t have a child and when you finally get your adopted child – they hate you. Example: so I vow

  1. I want to love and be loved so I will do whatever it takes to be close to this child.
  2. I put this child before God and my husband.
  3. I will be the best at every facet of being a parent.

RESULT: God and your husband aren’t in the correct places in your heart and being the “best” mother is unrealistic. It puts you in a place of being a perfectionist and that wearies the soul. The pain is from possible rejection or failure.

There are probably many vows and scenarios that will fit into the parenting part of our lives. Although the vows above don’t seem terrible we can  slip into self-effort or self-protection—altering who we truly are.  Then we are kept from relationships that are satisfying and real. We are created for relationship with God first and then with others. God helps us do what we need to do to fulfill our destiny and heal. 

 

Adoption Issues:

 We all have made vows and I’m encouraging you to get some help for yourself and your adopted child. This is just another example where we are accepting far less out of life than we ought to accept. God doesn’t want this for us or our children.

 

Getting Help:

 Do you see the destructive nature of vows? Do you see where vows are at work in your own life? If so, I can help you break free and find healing. I am a life coach at a facility called Unleashed Healing Center. You can visit our web site at unleashedhealingcenter.com or call to make a life coaching appointment. My name is Laurie and I would love to help you through this process. When you call  tell them you want a session with me. 

Thanks for your interest and see you next week…