Four Traps and Your RAD Child – Part 2

Four Traps and Your RAD Child


In my last post I talked about the first two traps which were the performance trap and the approval trap. The performance trap is behavior resulting from fear of failure. The approval trap is behavior resulting from the fear of rejection. There is so much more information attached to these two traps in my last post so please take a moment to read up on how to process through getting free.

Today I am going to write about the third and fourth traps. I will discuss how these affect all our relationships, but especially the relationships to our adopted children  RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children. I have talked repeatedly about RAD in previous posts. Please refer to those posts for more information about RAD.

The heart of my blog is to be a support to families that have adopted, but what I write about will work for families in general also. Where ever you find yourself in your family relationships, I hope my words are as helpful and informative as I’ve intend.


Shame Trap:

  3) Shame Trap – The belief of unworthiness and that nothing can change it.

Possible Origin – The level of expectation does not equal the level of experience. Example: the level of abuse outweighed the level of love. Then you live in the shadow of impossibility. This can be brought on by abuse in the family home that has never been spoken about or dealt with.

Results – Self-pity, fear of change, under achiever, procrastination, addiction, unworthiness and being withdrawn.

Solution – Replace the hopelessness with the truth of God’s forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself (see Results above – you’re responsible for this) and forgiveness for the one who violated you. There is a third forgiveness and that is forgiving yourself for thinking you brought on any abuse. The abuser keeps all the responsibility for abusing anyone.

Scriptures – 1 John 1:9 – “He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins”


  1.  Stay in the presence of God for cleansing
  2. Identify the difference between shame and conviction. God will never shame us into anything.  But He does convict us. There is a huge difference because conviction comes with acceptance and unconditional love.  Satan is the one who shames us and then makes us feel rejected and then  not loved.

Outcome – Acceptance of God’s forgiveness, freedom from self-pity and the ability to try and succeed.

Preserved in Jesus – We are kept from decay and protected from harm and deception.

Another Scriptures – Ps. 91:1 – Our ability to see Jesus as our refuge and the lover of our soul directly affects His ability to preserve us. We need to ALLOW Him to be our protector and unconditionally love us. And  Romans 8:37 – “We become more than conquers”

Ask the Lord to show you where you have misconceptions of Him. Satan is the culprit – not God. It is Satan’s fault that bad things happened to you in the first place. Break agreement with it and accept the truth that God is the lover of your soul. His intentions towards you have always been good and he wants to show you this. His compassion to help you heal from what Satan dealt you is real!

  The Point:

 Again, there are two categories to this trap:

1)      This applies to relationships in your life where the person used shame to get their way. Forgiveness is the key to break an ungodly soul tie. (Please refer to a previous post on soul ties) Receiving the shame is a choice you make. Don’t allow Satan to have an inch of your time or thoughts in this area. God doesn’t see you as shameful but lovable. Get rid of the shame by using the steps above.

2)      The possibility of your adopted RAD child as the voice speaking shame to you could be very probable. They do not like to take on any responsibility for anything and project the shame they are feeling onto others making it someone else’s fault. Then they sink deeper into self-pity. Ask God to help you decipher between what portion is yours and what portion is theirs. Then take your portion to God for help and redemption. Pray that your RAD child will come out of their deception.


 Guilt Trap:

 4)      Guilt Trap – The belief that others will never be able to accept you because of past failures.

Possible Origins – Un-forgiveness

Results – Argumentative, defensive, hostility, violence and addiction(s).

Solution – Replace anger with the truth of God’s peace.

Scriptures – Romans 2:14 – “He is our peace and has broken down the middle wall of division” and Matthew 18:21-35 – About the indentured servant (please read)

Outcome – Forgiveness, grace, mercy, peace, and humility.

The Stronghold and Sanctification of God – Jude 1

The Holy Spirit’s involvement in our lives is for our freedom. But we can learn to manage the damage (just live with it or continually adjust to it) instead of getting free. We are sanctified by the Father God! We don’t poses the power to save or free ourselves.

This makes us WHOLE and WHOLLY devoted to God to be healed of all our wounds and carnal thoughts. We then receive the ability to think from an eternal perspective and to live passionate about God and His plan.

This process happens through the Father’s Love:

a)      Romans 2:4 – “the kindness of God leads us to repentance”

b)      We must therefore understand the Father heart of God for this to happen. He loves us and is for us. Our concepts of “Father” will directly affect our sanctification.

 The Point:

 We have all fallen short!! We need to take care of all the issues to be free and able to receive the Father’s love and give love that isn’t tainted by all our beliefs wrapped up in the “traps” we are in or we put others in.

I put this trap into the two categories like I did the others:

 1)      We need to take care of our own issues.

2)      When we have an adopted RAD child they like to project their guilt onto us. We need to separate ours from theirs and get free from our issues so we can see clearly and NOT take on their guilt.


Summery Review:

1)      Performance Trap – self-esteem is established by meeting a standard that leads to fear of failure, manipulation, control and the religious spirit. The solution is to replace the lie of performance with the truth of grace.

2)      Approval Trap – is due to self-worth being established by gaining approval of certain individuals by possible soul ties leading to fear of rejection. The solution is to replace rejection for approval with the truth of the Father’s love.

3)      Shame Trap – is the belief of unworthiness and nothing can change it and it leads to self-pity etc. The solution is to replace hopelessness with the truth of God’s forgiveness and belief in His everlasting love.

4)      Guilt Trap -is the belief that others will never be able to accept you because of past failures. The solution is replacing anger with the truth of God’s peace, sanctification and forgiveness.


All of this applies to parenting adoptive RAD children and if we get free then we can see clearly to help our children – loving them like Father God loves them. What better gift to give to our children than being personally healed and unconditionally loving them!!


Please make a comment or ask your questions in the box below . Until next week…

Four Traps and Your Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Child Part 1



In general, I write this post for all the foster and adoptive families out there. Some of the posts include parents with children with behavioral problems too. It is my intent to help as much as I can and be a listening ear in times of parental trouble.

My last post was on ungodly soul ties and how to get rid of them. It was very informative. Please take a moment and check it out.

Today I am going to talk about the next tool of healing which is four traps. We can get stuck in these traps. So, read further and see how to get free from these four traps we unknowingly find ourselves in.


  The Four Traps of the Enemy:  

There are four traps of the enemy that can trigger when we have foster and adopted RAD child. These traps can also trigger when we are facing difficulties within any of our other relationships. The four traps were defined by the Joy Chikonowski, Pastor of Real Living Ministries and the Unleashed Healing Center where I work as a senior life coach. Please check us out at or call (330) 965-6000 to schedule a session. Mention that you have been reading my blog and you would like to make an appointment with me. My name is Laurie.

The Four traps:

1) Performance trap

2) Approval trap

3) Shame trap

4) Guilt trap  

Performance Trap:  

Performance Trap – Self-worth is established by meeting certain standards.

  1. Possible Origin – The “you” statements of your childhood becomes the “I” statements of your adulthood. Example: Your mother tells you – “You better get straight A’s or else.” In adulthood you expect to be the best at everything. When you’re not “the best” the shame and failure can feel overwhelming.
  2. Results – Fear of failure, manipulate to succeed, a spirit of control, micro-management and a religious spirit.
  3. Solution – Replace the lie of performance with the truth of grace.

Scriptures  –    Song of Solomon 1:5 – “I am dark, but lovely” and  Romans 3:19-24 – “We are justified by the grace of God.”

Outcome – Freedom from – fear of failure, taking yourself so seriously, the burden of having your own way, and learning to live by grace and with mercy for others.

 The Point – So, how does this trap specifically apply to you as a parent of an adopted (RAD) child? Do you see yourself in this trap? If you do, then the first person you should repent to would be to yourself for putting such high expectations on yourself and your parenting. You are not in this parenting portion of your life by yourself. God is there for you with grace because His Son paid for all of who you are. Jesus’ blood and His voice are speaking on your behalf because He is your advocate and has paid for all your sins. They want to help you at every turn. Your self-effort can’t even begin to be enough. The pressure of “perfect parenting” has been grasped at by millions of parents, but you can rest assured that your child will need some help overcoming the issues that you caused in their life. They will need a life coach or counselor, too. And That Is OK!! You may need to forgive the parent that expected too much out of you because the only person that had the ability to be perfect was Jesus. To say you are his equal is ludicrous. So, forgive yourself and look to God for help. Replace the lie of performance and accept the truth of grace. Your own soul will thank you and your family will be able to relax from your pressure of perfectionism on you and them. Relax and be IN God’s peace. He loves you and wants to help you with everything including your adopted (RAD) child.  

Approval Trap:  

Approval trap – Self-worth is established by gaining the approval of certain individuals.

  1. Possible origin – Ungodly soul ties. (To understand the term ungodly soul tie please check out my last two posts)
  2. Scripture – 1 Sam. 11:10-11
  3. Results – Fear of rejection: When help is considered criticism and disagreement is considered un-acceptance. Defensiveness and inability to be taught is the norm.
  4. Solution – Replace the need for approval with the truth of God’s unconditional love.

Scriptures – Romans 8:31-35 – “Who can be against us”,  Job 12:1-3 – “I am not inferior to you”, and 11 Cor. 12: 9-10 – “strong in weakness”

Outcome – Freedom from rejection and the ability to have close friendships with accountability and acceptance. The truth is no longer feared, but embraced.

   The Point: The approval trap applies to all the relationships, including our relationships with our adopted RAD children. But because the adopted RAD child has a vow in their heart to not let anyone close, you need to understand they will purposely reject you until they get healing. It is pertinent that you receive God’s approval so  when your RAD child is constantly rejecting you, you won’t take it personally or in so deeply. I understand the pain of constant rejection from an adopted (RAD) child. I needed to get to a place where I wasn’t destroyed by all the games of the RAD mind. I pray that you get to that place of understanding too. It is only found in God’s unconditional love so search it out and receive it into your heart. There is so much healing and relief when you do!!  

Next time I’ll talk about the other two traps.   Please make a comment in the box below and I’ll be talking to you next week. Until then…

Getting Rid of Ungodly Soul Ties

Ungodly Soul Ties:


In my last post I talked about how to tell if you have an ungodly soul tie to someone in your life. (Please check it out ) In this post I am going to go through the steps of getting rid of ungodly soul ties. This relates to the mission of my blog because it’s possible to develop ungodly soul ties to our adopted child.

Imagine an ungodly soul tie as a hook in your soul that is attached to a rope. On the other end of the rope is another hook that is hooked into another person’s soul.  This keeps the two of your souls attached to each other in a way that is not healthy. Please understand it is normal to be tied to another person—healthy bonding is the ultimate goal in any relationship. A problem emerges when the tie becomes “ungodly” and puts the other person in the wrong place in your heart or prevents you from thinking without their voice in your head. Remember that God always gets the first slot in your heart. If there is anyone in that slot, there is a very probable chance you have an ungodly soul tie to them. Breaking ungodly soul ties will be good for you, the person you are tied to and your relationship with them.


Steps to Breaking Ungodly Soul Ties:

 1)      Be honest with yourself about what has gone on in your life. Breaking an ungodly soul tie with someone is not saying they are bad. They probably did the best they knew how in the parenting department (if your ungodly soul tie is to your parent). Or maybe the person was pretty mean and controlling and you need a separation from their influence to think independently. Whichever is your story, the first step to healing and moving forward into wholeness is being real with yourself about what is truly going on.

2)     The next step is to connect (in prayer) with the Trinity. They play the role of healer. In a previous post I have talked about allowing the Trinity to heal us and the avenue they use is “seeing in the spirit realm.” (Please check out my post on seeing in the spirit)

3)    The point of breaking an ungodly soul tie is to give back all the things that they gave you that DIDN’T BELONG TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. There may be a list of things that you will need to give back.

Here are some examples:

  • Giving back all their control and manipulation that seems to be effecting you now.
  • All the negative words that they spoke to you or the verbal and emotional abuse they couldn’t seem to keep to themselves.
  • Give back all the silent treatment and punishment that they gave you even when you didn’t do anything that deserved such treatment.
  • You could give back all the time you wasted on hoping they would say or do something that made you feel valuable and of some worth.
  • They may have been a person that expressed their feelings with anger and rage. Give them back both the anger and rage… (This list could be very long so when you have exhausted the list then move on to the next step)

4)    Take back all the things that you should have had. Here are some examples:

      • Take back your ability to make a decision.
      • Take back your peace of mind and independence.
      • Take your significance back with the ability to work with your spouse to decide what is good for your family.
      • Your self-worth, time, privacy, job, place in the community, dignity, innocence, and many more topics are all yours and should have been from the beginning.  Take them all back till you can’t think of another topic.

5)      Here is where you invite the Holy Spirit to come and take the hook out of your soul. He will and then ask Him to heal the spot where the hook was. This is done so there won’t be a hole in your soul.

6)      Next, ask the Holy Spirit to give you back all of your soul that the other person may have taken from you. Again, the point is to make your soul whole so you’re able to receive love to the point of satisfaction, even overflowing. This allows you to love from a place of abundance instead of lack.

7)      Put God first in your heart and then place everyone else where they should be.

8)      The last step is very important. You need to forgive the person you had an ungodly soul tie with to be totally free. (I’ve talked about forgiveness in a previous post – please check it out) Un-forgiveness is a way an ungodly soul tie can stick with you, even if you went through all the steps.

Being a life coach, I have seen this process work. So, take a chance and break your ungodly soul tie. Put everyone in the right place in your heart and then forgive the person. You’ll gain a supernatural release which is freeing. 

Do You Have an Ungodly Soul Tie to Your Adopted Child?  

Can you answer this question honestly? If you can and if you do have an ungodly soul tie with your adopted child – it’s not too late. Do the steps in the above paragraphs including repenting for being the voice in their head.  Then accept your freedom. If your child or anyone else is in the place in your heart they shouldn’t be, repent and put God first. Align the other people in the right place. It will bring freedom in your life and it will heal your relationship with your adopted child too.    

In my next post I will continue with another healing tool – so check back next week… Please connect with me by putting a comment in the comment section of this post. I would love to chat with you!! Till then…

Ungodly Soul Ties Effect Your RAD Child and Extended Family

Ungodly Soul Ties and Extended Family



In the last few posts I talked about the Trinity Window and the effects of wounding to your  body, soul and spirit. When the people in your life who were responsible for taking care of your soul needs didn’t properly do so, your soul becomes wounded. (Check out my last five posts)

To lay the foundation for the next several posts, I’m sharing some healing tools for you to learn and implement. I have already shared about “seeing in the spirit” (a practice that works in conjunction with the Trinity Window mentioned in the above paragraph). The Trinity Window (shown in the last several posts) includes breaking agreement with the lies you believe about yourself and receiving the truth from Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. When they affirm us, it heals our wounded soul.


The Next Tool = Ungodly Soul Ties:

 Today, I’m going to delve into the next tool of healing which is “Breaking an Ungodly Soul Ties.” You can identify a soul tie when your ability to think and make decisions on your own is impaired. Have you ever heard voices of your mother, father, sister, brother or other significant individuals in your head when trying to think for yourself?


Two Types of Soul Ties:

1)     The first type can be recognized as a repetitive voice intentionally ingraining something into you as a child. I’m not saying the someone’s opinion is bad, but you are now an adult and should be able to make decisions that will be good for you and your family without the interference of this voice. This is an ungodly soul tie.

The goal in parenting is to teach our children to navigate life with the skills taught by the parents. BUT, there is a difference between teaching and controlling children. Teaching involves coming along side for the sake of support, encouragement and training with a heart for the CHILD to succeed. Children learn the best in a supportive, not controlling, environment. Controlling is when a person can’t see any other way of doing things except for their own. Many parents need to “look good” through the lives of their children. So if the child looks good – the parent looks good. Wow! This puts the parent in a place of living vicariously through their children. That may be good for the controlling parent but not necessarily for the child. It puts undue pressure on the child to perform perfectly, or at least what the parent deems as perfect. Most of the time it is just rigidity and rules.

When a parent is still controlling their child after they leave the home and are out on their own – this is a problem. They need to look at the motive behind their need to parent past their allotted time. Granted we are always parents, but by the time our children are adults  we’re past our chance to teach them all the things we know. What’s the motive to continue? Are the accolades really that important? Do we as parents feel unfulfilled in life? Maybe we need to consider what may have been imparted to us through our own parents.

A parent/someone that has controlled you can become the voice in your head which interferes when you need to make a decision now. If this is true, you have an ungodly soul tie to the controlling person. Scripture says we are to honor and obey our fathers and mothers. This is true! Our parents will always be our parents and they should get the honor and respect due them. But when we become adults and should be making decisions on behalf of our own family, we need to be free to think independently or along with our spouse to make decisions which will be good for our own children.

Don’t get me wrong – in the mind of the controlling person – they probably believe they meant well. But if you are frozen in their rigid way of thinking, you are not doing yourself or your children any favors. You need to have the full realm of possibilities that an independent thinker is afforded.

2)      The second cause for an ungodly soul tie occurs when a person is placed in the incorrect position in our hearts. Correct alignment is key. When we were little, our parents and family should be in a very high place in our hearts. As we grow older we need to place God at the very top slot on our hearts. We are in the second slot where we receive, unhindered, the love of the Trinity. This, in turn, develops our ability to love anyone else correctly. Then if we are married, our spouse comes next, followed by our children, then extended family, etc. If the slots in our hearts are in proper alignment, then we are able to think along with God in our decision making.

If we suffer from the controlling voice in our head, it is a very good clue that we have an ungodly soul tie with them and may need to be put in a different slot in our hearts. Maybe it is someone that we have adored and put on a pedestal. Maybe it is someone we craved attention or acceptance from but could never please.

If the controlling voice in your head is in any of the top three slots of your heart, there is an ungodly soul tie that is superseding the voices that should have priority in our decision making processes. This is where the trinity  can help. Realigning who gets what slot in your heart needs some tweaking and priority is given to God first.


Your Ungodly Soul Ties:

 Do you have your father, mother or an idolized someone talking in your head when you try to make a decision? Who is it and do you want to be rid of it? Do you feel guilty when you make a decision that is different than you were taught to think? Does your spouse get frustrated with you because you can’t think along with them to decide what to do with your children?

Do you see yourself as the controlling parent and are you creating ungodly soul ties with your own children? Are you living vicariously through your children or are you helping them to think and be who God has called them to be?  Is it ok if your children have an opinion that is different than yours or does everything have to go your way? Granted they are under your care and need to be taught and trained, but are you doing the things you do for you or for them? Does God get His say and way?

 In my next blog I will talk about the steps you can take to get rid of your ungodly soul tie(s) to whomever is still talking in your head. Then we will discuss if you have an ungodly soul tie with your adopted RAD child.

 Please leave your comments in the comment box. I would love to discuss with you on any issue I have written about or concerns you. Till next time….