Choosing a Different Perspective of RAD Rejection

God

 Different Perspective To Healing RAD Rejection in You:

Today I’m going to talk about different perspectives. Healing from the wounds of our past and our present is a necessary process. When our adopted child rejects us because they have RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and we trigger from that rejection, we probably have a soul (body or spirit) wound from our past relationships that needs healing. It’s normal to feel the sting of rejection, but if it goes deep, we need to consider that it isn’t “just the situation” causing such deep wounding. It’s possible that the present rejection we are feeling is rubbing up against a past wound that hasn’t properly healed. Below is a chart called the Trinity Window. Please have a look:

                                                      Trinity Window

 

                                             Body, Soul and Spirit Needs

Relationship                                  Soul Needs                                  Trinity

Father —————— Care (provision) ———- Father God      

                                                         Condition (protection)

                                                         Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends ———- Companionship ———– Jesus

                                                         Communication

Mother ——————Comfort —————–Holy Spirit

                                                        Coach (teach)

                                                        Cultivate (nurture)

 

 

This chart has appeared in several of my recent posts because I will base most of the healing portion of this blog on this chart. I feel a relationship with the Trinity is the answer and foundation to ALL healing. Having the chart in front of you as you process through healing is helpful.

Change of perspective occurs when we exchange LIES for TRUTH. For example, maybe you don’t believe people like or love you. When your RAD adopted child rejects you or leaves you guessing if they love you or not – it triggers something deep inside.

This is a good indication that you have a soul wound. On the chart above – the relationships on the left were supposed to provide the soul (body, and spirit) needs printed in the middle column. If the soul need wasn’t met, then it wounds the soul and attaches a lie , through which we tend to process all of our pain. Now, our adopted child’s rejection isn’t just a result of their RAD. For us it becomes the affirmation of a lie we have always struggled with—that we aren’t likable or lovable. The relationships in the column on the right have the capacity to heal, remove that lie and replace it with truth. The Trinity long to help heal every single wound you have. Give them a chance.

 

 Vantage Point of Peace and Rest:

 This is where the change of perspective is realized. When any of the Trinity speak the truth to us it changes our perspective so we can view life from a different vantage point. This vantage point will be a place where the sting of the lie and wound doesn’t have power over us anymore. If  the lie and wounds are healed, and truth and Trinity relationships replaced them – then the soul (body and spirit) need is met, and healing is accomplished. This opens the door for the real Father God , sibling/friend/Jesus and Holy Spirit (closest to a mother relationship) can be imparted. Then our spirits, souls and bodies can be at a place of rest and peace because we are satisfied. What a relief!!

This rest and peace places us in rejection situations as the victor. We become completely capable of seeing the RAD rejection (or any other rejection) as being their problem and we can have an objective point of view because we already know we are so loved by the Trinity. Then we’re able to look at the rejecter with compassion and without personal hurt. When we do this we gain the capacity of fully loving the rejecter with the fullness of our love because the Trinity has fully loved us. What the Trinity has freely given us we can freely give to others without personal fear of more wounding or depletion to our soul.

 

What Does This Look Like For You and Your RAD Child:

 The Trinity want us to be in a place of complete bonding to them. The opposite is true for your RAD child. Their goal is to not depend on anyone – EVER – and yet we are created for relationship. SO SAD!!

Let’s lay a scenario out here: Your RAD child rejects you. You aren’t healed and it pushes your wounded  button. You’re hurting, don’t understand and keep trying to figure out what you have done wrong to cause your child to feel this way towards you. Then you decide to look past your own pain, “buck up” and try again. You’re greeted with more rejection that makes your retreat into self-reflection again – maybe thinking that if you try even harder your love will break through the wall around the RAD child’s heart. So you “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” so to speak and try again only to be repaid with harsher rejection from your adopted child. Every try and turn is met with sabotage from the RAD child. This plays out over and over until you have exhausted every idea and effort you can “drum up.” The “orphan spirit” (feeling on the outside looking in and not belonging to anybody) in you is triggered just as it is in your child. You’re exhausted to your inner core and maybe become hopeless at the looming mountain of rejection. Yet you know that your child needs someone’s help or they will never have a successful relationship with anybody.

 

Get Help for Both of You:

If you find yourself in this scenario, I suggest getting your RAD child some help by finding a therapy center that specializes in helping your RAD bond to you. Maybe you have already done that and you’re left severely wounded because it hasn’t worked out for you and your adopted child. Help yourself by finding an adoption support group, read my blog and try the steps that I have laid out in several previous posts. I will continue to lay out steps to help you realize your own healing. That is the point of this blog. I want to help the adoptive families. I share from a place of healing because I have gone through the same things you are facing with your RAD child. I’m here for you. Please respond in the box below. I would love to hear from you!!…

Forgiveness and RAD Rejection

Forgiveness and Freedom from RAD Rejection

In my last post I started talking on the topic of forgiveness. Through my training as a life coach I’ve learned the sheer magnitude of forgiveness when it comes to true healing and freedom from lies. In addition, un-forgiveness and bitterness can cause myriads of sickness.

Freedom from un-forgiveness and bitterness in addition to exchanging the lies for the truth goes a long way in solving inner turmoil. We aren’t designed to hold anything negative in our hearts, brains, emotions, wills, bodies or spirits. Bitterness, un-forgiveness and stress can keep us in a state of flux if we don’t delete them from our system. When these issues are paired with being wounded, the results can be devastating.

I’d like to revisit my reasoning for writing this blog in the first place. My husband and I have a biological daughter and two adopted girls.  Although my biological daughter grew up and learned to bond and love those around her – my two adopted daughters were diagnosed with a disorder called RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). This basically means they purposely chose to not bond in loving relationship with anyone. They didn’t allow anyone to get close enough to hurt them like their birth mother did because she gave them up.

Much of our adopted daughters negative behaviors were directed at me: I was the closest person in their life to their birth mother and they “punished” me in effort to get back at their birth mothers for abandoning them. I just wanted to love them, but no matter how much effort I poured into our relationships, nothing ever penetrated the walls they had erected around their heart. This caused me much personal pain and wounds. I found myself in a place of needing to forgive and find healing in order to move forward into wholeness. The following is a process of ten basic and practical steps for healing and forgiveness plus a simple chart showing relationships and responsibility. I use  these principles personally and to help others through this process as I life coach them.

Putting Together Seeing, Forgiving and Healing:

                                                       Trinity Window

 

                                             Body, Soul and Spirit Needs

Relationship                                                                                       Trinity

Father —————- Care (provision) ———–Father God      

                                                    Condition (protection)

                                                    Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends ——–Companionship ————Jesus

                                                   Communication

Mother ————–  Comfort ——————Holy Spirit

                                                 Coach (teach)

                                                 Cultivate (nurture)

 

Let’s put together some practical steps of healing our wounded soul, body and spirit. Above is a chart called the Trinity Window. I know I have put this chart in the last few posts but I think it is important to see the chart. It shows Who in the Trinity is responsible for intentionally healing you in your body, soul and spirit. On the left is the relationships you have had growing up. In the middle are the needs that every person on the planet longs to have fulfilled. On the right is the Trinity (Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit) who want to heal the area in your body, soul or spirit that was wounded and never satisfied.

 

Practical steps to Receiving Your Healing:

1)      Find a quiet place so you can be alone with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit.

2)      Believe that the Trinity are there and are for you and not against you. You are created to be a part of Their family. So, if you haven’t asked Jesus into your heart, here is an awesome time to take that step. It is simple: Ask God to forgive all your sins and then ask Jesus to be Lord and Savior of your life. Then ask Jesus to come into your heart. When that happens, the Holy Spirit then comes to teach, comfort and nurture you. All your sins are put on the cross and paid for. You are now God’s son or daughter and have the same inheritance as Jesus does with God. Yeah!!

3)      Ask Holy Spirit to cleanse your fifteen senses (your body, soul and spirit each have their own five senses. Taste, touch, smell, sight and sound). We are using our spiritual senses to connect to the Trinity for this application of healing. Ask God to open your spiritual eyes so you can relate to Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit in a relationship that is real and personal – just like a family relationship. Remember that you are God’s son or daughter so you’re part of the family.

4)      Jesus says in scripture that His sheep hear His voice. So declare you can hear each of the Trinity’s voices and no other.

5)  If you are ready, forgive anyone you can bring yourself to forgive. It’s OK to start with little things that need to be forgiven and work up from there. Remember un-forgiveness and bitterness is like sickness to your soul. Holding on to them is only holding YOU in bondage and sickness; not whoever you can’t forgive. To be very clear, forgiving someone is not letting them off the hook. God will deal with whatever they did. Forgiving them is letting YOU off the hook, so they don’t have a way of keeping you in bondage or attached to them in any way. Then they won’t have any power over you anymore.

6)      Be real with God about how wounded you are. Did the relationships on the above chart meet your body, soul and spirit needs? Were there other extenuating events such as the effects of alcohol, drugs, poverty, etc. that causes the soul (body and spirit) needs to not be fulfilled? Pour your heart out to God.

7)      Ask God if there are any lies attached to your wounds and listen for an answer.

8)      Break agreement with that lie. (Sometimes there are more than one lie that is attached to a wound)

9)      Ask for the truth.

10)  Ask God to show you how He will meet your body, soul and spirit needs and see Him doing it. Ask Him to touch the wounded part of your soul and heal you. Ask Him what He thinks of you. Remember He will be positive, so if the answer is negative, it isn’t from God.

 These are beginning steps only, so try it and see if it works for you. There are other “healing tools” we can try… I will be talking about more tools in future posts, but I would like to hear how you’re doing with this tool. Please put a comment in the comment box below and ask some questions. I would love to walk you through your healing. Till next week….

Body Soul and Spirit

RAD and Your Body Soul and Spirit Wounds:

We finished my last blog talking about the trinity window. See below:

(Note: When I refer to the soul needs, please understand I am talking about body, soul and spirit needs.)

 

                                                   Trinity Window

 

                                             Body,  Soul & Spirit Needs

Relationship                                                                                       Trinity

Father —————–Care (provision) ———–Father God      

                                                     Condition (protection)

                                                     Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends ——– Companionship ————Jesus

                                                    Communication

Mother —————Comfort ——————-Holy Spirit

                                                   Coach (teach)

                                                   Cultivate (nurture)

 

If the soul needs don’t get met by the relationships we have when we are growing up, then the trinity wants to heal us of our soul wounds. Each of the trinity are responsible for each category of soul needs. They can intentionally further your growth or heal any stunted maturity resulting from a lack or wound left by your friends or family.

 

So how does this happen?

Most of us are aware of five our senses we use to connect and learn from our surroundings. These senses are taste, touch, smell, hear and sight. As Jonathan Welton points out in his book “School of the Seer,” we actually have fifteen senses. Our body, soul and spirit each have their own five senses. (By the way I highly recommend this book!)

Jonathan talks about “flipping the switch” in reference to stepping into the ability of “Seeing In the Spirit.” Let me break this down a bit. In the Old Testament there were two categories of the prophetic – Prophet and Seer. The Prophet spoke what was on the heart of Father God. The Seer saw visions and dreams that expressed the heart of Father God. In the New Testament, there is no distinction between the Prophet and Seer gifting.

 

Seer Gifting

The way the trinity chooses to communicate to us is through our spiritual senses. We use our own spirit– with the guidance of the Holy Spirit–to taste, touch, smell, hear and see the Trinity. Scripture says “Taste and see that the Lord is good.” This “taste” occurs in the spirit realm because we can’t literally taste God. At this point, I would like to delve into the Seer gifting and talk about how it applies to our process of healing.

God is still the imaginative God He was in the beginning when He created all of the earth and the heavens. He wants to communicate to us in the most creative ways and the venue He chooses to use is our senses.

This applies to the trinity window above in that we get the PRIVILEDGE of experiencing Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit in a very intimate (meaning a close relationship and not a perverted one), loving and healing way through our senses.

If you have accepted Jesus into your heart as Lord and Savior then you also have the Holy Spirit there to help you, too. Remember, Holy Spirit is personally here to teach, comfort and nurture you. You were also born with an imagination but when you receive Jesus and therefore the Holy Spirit, then they help you use your imagination in a PURE way. The results is a relationship connection with the trinity to receive healing to your body, soul, and spirit. So, this separates your imagination from fantasy imagination (an unrealistic and improbable act of supposing) so a pure Holy Spirit led imagination can happen.

 

The Trinity speaks to us in this pure imagination to bring several things:

 

  • Healing and freedom
  • Close relationship to the Trinity
  • Wisdom
  • Revelation
  • Adventure
  • Truth
  • Understanding
  • Knowledge
  • Counsel
  • Strength
  • Peace
  • Life
  • Faith
  • Grace
  • And much more

 

So How Does All This Happen?

Just like developing any other gift, skill or ability this takes intentional practice!! Begin by asking the Holy Spirit to help you focus. Holy Spirit is our teacher and is very powerful, purposeful, and patient. He wants you to have a relationship with the Trinity more than you can imagine. He is there to help you in this journey of experiencing the Trinity through your five spiritual senses. There is a whole realm to explore and experience that you maybe haven’t even thought of until this point in your life.

We have to assume that if the Trinity created us for a family relationship with them – they will help us in our quest. Back to the seer book mentioned above: In this book it talks about asking God to sanctify your fifteen senses. This is an important step. You must ask God to sanctify your fifteen senses, then ask Holy Spirit to help and guide you.

 

Every Wound has a Lie(s) Attached to it:

Now that we’ve discussed briefly how to connect with God using our fifteen senses, I’d like to talk about one of the purposes of connecting with God in this personal way. When we are wounded in our soul, those wounds attract lies and deception like a magnet. Experiencing God with our fifteen senses allows for His truth to unravel satan’s lies in an experiential and powerful way. God has every truth in His Kingdom and He loves undoing the lies and speaking the truth. His Kingdom supersedes satan’s kingdom hands down every time if we surrender to the healing hearts of the Trinity. The only kingdom that speaks lies is satan’s because scripture says he comes to steal, kill and destroy. I’m sure we all can say that the lies in our lives have destroyed many relationships.

I want to make something crystal clear: We do not war against flesh and blood, but “against principalities, powers and authorities of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”(Ephesians 6:12) Yes, the people (flesh and blood) in our lives may betray us, speak lies that cause us to not trust them and so forth. They need to take responsibility for their actions! But that is between them and God. On the other hand, we do need to recognize when a person is acting out because there is a dung hill of lies they are believing – driving them to behave differently than who God created them to be.

Satan loves to bring destruction in relationships and uses lies and wounds to do so. From this point forward, I’d encourage you to consider the hurt or betrayal in your life as vehicles that satan wants to use to bring destruction. But, as scripture says, everything that satan means for evil, God means for good. In surrendering to God’s purpose and inviting His healing into all of your relational hurt, the very thing meant to harm you will drive you to a closer walk with God. This also creates a more meaningful and authentic relationship with others.

 

Forgiveness

 This is where forgiveness comes in. When someone wounds us and it causes a lie in our sou. It is our responsibility to take care of our own lies. No one else can clean up the lies we carry. Plus, unforgiveness causes us to stay attached to the offender – holding us hostage to the wounding and keeping us from our own freedom.

When our adopted girls rejected my husband and me it inflicted soul wounds and we had to purposely forgive and let the trinity heal us. Maybe you are going through the same wounding with your adopted child? I would like to help!!

 I want to allow you to chew on the above thoughts until my next post. Please leave a comment in the box below. Talk to you next week…..

Healing the Orphan Inside

The Orphan Inside

 

In my last post I talked about the Trinity healing your soul and related it to the “Trinity Window.” Let me display it for you again:

 (Note: When I refer to the soul needs, please understand I mean the body, soul and spirit needs.)

                                      Trinity Window

 

                                          Body, Soul & Spirit Needs

Relationship                                                                                     Trinity

Father ————— Care (provision) ———–Father God      

                                                 Condition (protection)

                                                Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends —— Companionship ————Jesus

                                               Communication

Mother ————- Comfort ——————Holy Spirit

                                              Coach (teach)

                                              Cultivate (nurture)

 

 

Let’s continue to talk about the wounds that occur when the relationships in our lives don’t happen the way we desire. This is directly connected to our soul (mind, will and emotions) having it’s needs met (see the chart above).

Our earthly fathers are supposed to protect us, provide for us, and speak identity into us. Our siblings/ friends are to be our companions and communicate with us. Our mothers are to comfort, teach and nurture us. If that doesn’t happen, we have soul wounds the Trinity want to heal.

So, did your father meet the above needs for you? How about your siblings, friends or mother? If not, do you think you have any soul wounds? Even if your needs were well-met, do you still think you may have some kind of soul wounds?

If your answer is yes then read on.

 

The Orphan Spirit and your soul, spirit and body:

When we experience rejection, relationship abandonment, and/or being or feeling left out, then this creates an orphan mentality. In some circles of belief, it’s defined as an Orphan Spirit. This is the driving force behind an adopted (orphan’s)  RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). For the rest of us, the Orphan Spirit attaches to the wounds in our soul and creates a internal orphaned feeling. This causes us to react negatively in relationship situations.

Abba Father is the master of ceremonies when it comes to healing the Orphan Spirit. That is why I have called my blog “Abba Father and His Love.” Father God can remove the lies and wounds our soul believes about yourselves and sometimes what we wrongly believe about others. Then there are times when we are dead on in our discernment about the intentions of others towards us. Father God can heal that too. He can remove the lies and wounds and replaces them with His truth.

If you’re reacting to your adopted child’s rejection towards you then please reflect again on the chart above. Don’t get me wrong, we are beings with feelings and God made us that way. The intentions of your orphan’s RAD heart is to inflict as much pain to your heart as possible. This is true. But some of the rejection feelings may have taken root long before your orphan child was in your home.

When you were growing up did you feel like you were always on the outside looking in so to speak? Did you feel like a loaner when in your heart of heart’s you wanted to belong to someone or some group? Did you long to be a part of a relationship that was fulfilling? We all do!!

In the chart above there is a lie attached to every soul need wound and there is a truth ready to replace the lie.  Who knows, there may be more than one lie attached to each of your soul wounds? Did your father tell you that he loved you? Did he like you? Did he express to you what he thought about you and your future or what you were put on this earth to do? Did he call you names or was his intentions towards you to empower you to be successful? Did he protect you? Was he around to provide for you?

Were your friends and siblings good communicators or companions? Did they leave you out or were you part of the “pack”? Did you have a best friend? Was your friend loyal or were you betrayed?

Was your mom around? Was she capable of being tender and comforting? Did she teach you what you needed to know to go out into the world and make your own way? Were you nurtured so you could learn to nurture too?

If your foundational relationships were unsteady then there is room for God’s touch. It is His opinion that supersedes all other opinions. When He speaks the truth it resounds in the soul like no other sound and hits the mark to heal.

So, where do we begin? Well, if you know God then we have a beginning. If not then ask Him to forgive you your sins, surrender your life to Jesus and ask Jesus come into your heart to be Lord and Savior. He is ready to be there for you. If you need my help in this healing process I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com  Call and ask for me.

 

In my next blog I will talk more on getting rid of the Orphan Spirit and on forgiveness. I have a space below for comments. Please add your point of view. Until next week…..

You Can Heal From the Rejection of Your Adopted Child’s RAD

Healing From the Rejection of Your Child’s RAD

 In my last post, I began to explain the healing I went through in processing the results of my adopted daughters RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) behaviors. I expressed that I ran to Father God and found an unconditional love that healed my soul. The results of RAD rejection can be intense, but I’m here to say there is hope and life on the other side for your wounded soul.

Now, I’m going to describe something called “The Trinity Window.” This terminology came from the life coach (pastor) I went to when I was in the process of healing. It is the tool I use to life coach others now that I’m a life coach. Our Life Coaching website can be found at unleashedhealingcenter.com    You can get in contact with me  at Laurie@getrealliving.com

 

There are three areas of relationships that affect us drastically – shown in the Trinity window below:                                   

 (This chart was developed by my pastor)

(Note: When I refer to the soul needs, please understand I mean the body, soul and spirit needs.)

 

                                               Trinity Window

 

                                   Body, Soul, and Spirit Needs

Relationship                                                                           Trinity

Father ————-Care (provision) ——–Father God      

                                            Condition (protection)

                                           Character (identity)                            

Siblings/friends —- Companionship ———–Jesus

                                           Communication

Mother ———– Comfort —————-Holy Spirit

                                          Coach (teach)

                                          Cultivate (nurture)

                                  

Our father, mother, and siblings/friends – if they were or weren’t positively involved during our upbringing:

 The father’s job is to provide, protect and develop our identity. The mother can contribute to these three areas too, but when it comes to meeting a child’s soul need – provision, protection and identity development are primarily the father’s responsibility. The mother’s job is to teach, nurture and comfort. Again, the father can do this as well, but primarily, the mother is responsible in these three areas. The sibling/friend’s job is to provide communication and companionship during the process of growing up while generally experiencing life.

There seems to be a deeper developmental impact to a child’s soul when each of these areas are or are not provided for by the person who is responsible for these basic soul needs.  When it is provided, then the child gets their needs met and their soul is relatively well. The reverse is true if these three areas of relationship requirements aren’t met.

 

Now, let’s attach these basic need requirements to the Godhead or Trinity (repeated from above):

                             

Relationship           Body, Soul & Spirit need

Father God ——– Care (provision)

                                          Condition (protection)

                                          Character (identity)

Jesus ————-Companion

                                         Communication

Holy Spirit ——–Comfort

                                        Coach (teach)

                                       Cultivate (nurture)      

                             

Father God’s fathering role in our life is to provide, protect, and speak identity to us (but is not limited to just these three areas). There are scriptures all through the bible which show Father God expressing provision, protection and identity.

Jesus played the role of sibling/friend. He was the best communicator and was the greatest friend He possibly could be to His twelve disciples. He is not limited to just these two areas either. However, in this particular relationship role He did all he was supposed to do to meet the needs of his siblings and friends.

Holy Spirit, although He is NOT a woman, plays the closest role to a mother when we look at some of the areas He relates to us in relationship. He is our comforter, teacher and nurturer.

 

So what’s the Point?

 When a father is around and meets these basic needs of provision, protection, and identity then the soul of the child is not generally wounded and is basically whole and well. To expect a father to be perfect is unrealistic. Even though he might do a good job, there will still be areas or times he didn’t. So, we always need the Trinity to heal a unfulfilled need/wound in our soul.

But, if the father is not around for some reason or is only around now and then, the soul of the child is probably very deeply wounded. If there is abuse of any kind—hunger, alcohol, or drugs, etc.—then this just adds to the problem. It intensifies feeling unprotected, being in need, and the absence of identity and wounds the child’s soul.

The same goes for the mother, and siblings/ friends when basic needs go un-met, the child’s soul will be wounded.

 

Then Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit can save and heal:

 This is not how Father God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit wanted or wants it to be.  Where our earthly fathers, siblings/friends and mothers wouldn’t or couldn’t meet our soul needs, the Trinity will and healing will be the results. YEAH!!!

In my last post I said I spent a long time talking to Father God about why the relationship with my two adopted daughters didn’t work. They have RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and are unable to bond to anyone. My biggest dilemma was this: Why was my love not enough for my girls, even though I gave it all I had?

I spent time talking to God about every issue. He presented every issue to me and we would look at it from every angle. I would ask questions and He would answer. I was at a place where I wanted to know His thoughts on all of the situation and reflected on everything He said. He was so kind and understood my pain.

Holy Spirit spent a great deal of time comforting me and teaching me what end was up in our big hot mess of a family. Jesus communicated to me and was my companion when no one understood what we were going through.

Conclusion:

God created mankind to have a family relationship with us. We are His sons and daughters and His intentions towards us are honorable. He wants to be our protection, provision and speak identity to us. Jesus wants to be our brother/sibling and friend and communicate with us as our companion. Holy Spirit wants to comfort, teach and nurture us. The trouble is, do we let them?

The cross isn’t the last time the Trinity will save us. It isn’t the last time God won and did something spectacular on our behalf. They want authentic relationships, to be involved in our everyday lives and help with the biggest hot messes we can get ourselves into. So, let them minister to your soul.

 So, if you’re in a hot mess with your adopted child and there seems to be no solution please comment below. I would love to talk with you. Until we speak again….