Fantasy Plus

Fantasy Continues

Today I’m going to continue with the devastation and anger issues fantasy brings and when left unchecked. Fantasy got Our second adopted daughter into trouble when she started pre-school. She began acting out, showing aggression and being uncooperative. I now understand, many years later, she was mad that she had to go to school when she would rather be at home playing dress up and in fantasy mode.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but the dress up fantasy obsession was the same familiar issue as fantasizing life with her birth mom. Most orphaned children fantasize about their life with their birth families. I was not her birth mom whom she would rather be with. So, She fantasied to the point she believed that she could get me out of the house permanently by creating chaos all the time. Her desire was to get me out so she would bring her birth mom to the US to marry my husband or she would marry my husband. Fantasy breads delusional fantasy.

She also began to do the exact opposite of what I asked her to do. If I asked her to take a nap while we were driving in the car she would fight and force herself to stay awake. If I asked her to stay awake she could “on command” go to sleep. This was also reflected in behaviors like: She did not like me as her mom so the longer I was her mom, the more determined she was not going to “permit it”.

What didn’t make sense to me was the birth mom (who was blood family to her) abandoned and rejected her – yet my adopted child she is so devoted her. But I get my adopted daughters anger and aggression when rejection and abandonment is the last thing I’m giving her. I am loving and accepting her. Go figure!!

As she grew older, she was more and more blatant about her aggression against me. She began to intentionally spill her drink on the floor to make my housework work harder. (Once we caught on, it became her housework to clean up) She continued to destroy my personal things. If she got in trouble and my husband gave her a chore to do, she would always turn her misbehavior around to be my fault. She would somehow punish me for her disobedience. For example, one my husband gave her a chore of taking all the leaves out from around my Iris plants that the leaf blower couldn’t remove. She understood how much I loved my Iris plants because they came from my parents’ house. So, as punishment to me, she pulled out all but probably 20% of my Iris, root and all, and threw them into the woods. There are places in our woods now that are absolutely gorgeous with Iris blooms.

She progressed and progressed in her fantasies to the point she began to threaten to kill me. It’s sad to see anyone allow their fantasy to overtake them to the point of desiring murder. She wanted her birth mom so badly and I was in her way. All sense of reality left her little mind and she was going to do whatever was necessary to accomplish her fantasy. This quickly turned into anger, aggression and ultimately more delusion. I began to be concerned that I would wake up some night with her standing over me with a knife.


I have already previously mentioned the diagnosis called RAD. It means Reactive Attachment Disorder. With this disorder something happens to the “little heart” of a child when he/she discovers that their mother has left them. Put yourself in their position. You have now spent nine months in the womb of your mom. You know what she sounds like, smells like and moves like. Except, the familiar smell, voice, and movements just disappear.

As I understand this disorder, it is at this very moment the “little heart” gets so wounded that they make a vow that no one will ever be allowed that near their heart again. No one will ever have the power to hurt them like their birth mom did. They then choose to keep everyone at a distance so the “PAIN” will never happen again. By then the abandonment, rejection and loneliness has wrapped it’s self around the infant’s emotions and heart and they create an emotional wall that is very thick. No one is allowed in.


I will continue on the subject of RAD in the next post I write. I hope you have a good week. Until then…



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: RAD RAD RAD | Abba Father's Love

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