See Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DNA Gifting – Part Three:

See Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting:

 

Intro:

Greetings! I’m Laurie and I write this post for foster and adoptive families. Many of these families are broken due to a disorder called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Please take a look at some of my posts to understand why.

My last post was the second post of this three part series of posts. I have been talking about the gifts listed in Rom. 12:6-8. I refer to them as spiritual DNA gifts and they are basically personalities. Check out my last two posts because they will help you understand this post more fully.

Today I am finishing up this series of posts and will talk about the last three DNA gifts. Then I will bring everything to a conclusion. This will hopefully give you a better picture of your adopted child’s personality even though they are acting out RAD symptoms.

 

Giver Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Values freedom and independence but doesn’t enjoy extended times of being alone
  2. Likes to stay adaptable, flexible and spontaneous. Will not commit until they have to because things may change
  3. Seeks community to create a new thing
  4. Resourceful
  5. Love the old and new
  6. Relentless and doesn’t easily take no for an answer
  7. Wants to leave a legacy
  8. Driven by preparing the way for their family and others after them
  9. Mixture of intuitive and analytical
  10. Security and safety are important
  11. Presentation is important and likes everything in its place
  12. Has favor in the marketplace – bargains, good deals or discounts
  13. Gives wisely, not impulsively
  14. Is a peacemaker
  15. Can work with people with conflicting views

Blindsopts:

  1. May see money as security causing then to be territorial with their resources. May have conflict if their family feel resources are withheld from them while spending money on other people or things
  2. Loses track of time easily
  3. They communicate with more intentionality than they realize
  4. Can be perceived as pushy, manipulative and dishonoring

 

Ruler strengths, Weakness and Blindspots:

  1. Great team leader. Inspires a group to own a problem based on loyalty
  2. Delegates to others on the team. Loves thinking through logistics
  3. Can mobilize a large group to accomplish a task. They know when to push, inspire, command and lead in situations.
  4. Natural implementer.
  5. Thrives under pressure and puts others around them under the same pressure.
  6. Is skilled in time management
  7. Interested in how – not why and is not a visionary
  8. Can do a great amount of work with resources given them
  9. Adaptable to changing circumstances and has a backup plan
  10. Values loyalty and relationship more than competence per se. Can use imperfect people and draws the best out of them without allowing their brokenness to damage the objective
  11. See no value in blaming themselves or others
  12. Does not need affirmation from others
  13. Their task-orientation can seem intense and unfeeling to others
  14. They do what is practical and expedient
  15. Has a heart for the people on their team

Blindspots:

  1. Self-reliance
  2. Struggle with focus
  3. Because they are goal-oriented they can become too focused on the task and fail to consider the feelings of those around them
  4. They may be applying pressure without moderation, causing unnecessary stress on the team members and family
  5. They may believe the end justifies the means

 

Mercy Strengths, Weaknesses and Blondspots:

  1. Loves beauty, sights, sounds, rhythm, fragrance, harmony of heaven and earth.
  2. Loves to soak in God’s presence
  3. Moves through life at a slower pace
  4. Needs time to emotionally transition from one thing or place to the next
  5. Takes God’s presence into everyday situations where the blessing of His presence can change the spiritual climate of a conversation or a room
  6. Desires intimacy in all forms. Craves heart connections in relationships. Desires hugs and physical contact. This can bring increased risk of wounding in relationships
  7. Sensitive to alignment and know when things are not in alignment
  8. Intuitively synchronizes people and things.
  9. Is a safe person to be around
  10. Has emotional radar
  11. Makes decisions based on their heart and their intuition
  12. Hears God but has difficulty explaining it to others
  13. Huge amount of friends but few very close friends
  14. Hates to confront.
  15. May appear indecisive because they don’t want to hurt somebody
  16. May have a deep strain of anger. Tends to take up an offense for a third party
  17. Can have a fierce stubborn streak when they know what they want, when they want it, and how they want it.

Blindspots:

  1. May see all pain as bad. May flee from pain and keep others from discipline that is intended to build maturity
  2. Can be a people-pleaser and enabler
  3. May do whatever is necessary to make people around them happy with them. May be willing to live with holy and unholy without calling people to do what is right
  4. May attract abuse and exploitation because of their kindness, niceness, and willingness to allow injustice to happen
  5. Desire for intimacy and physical touch may lead to impurity

 

Conclusion:

        For the sake of our children’s destiny – it is important to look beyond RAD, foster, adoption, and behavioral issues to their personality. They have one or a combination of these seven gifts written in ROM. 12:6-8. It is a matter of looking for the diamonds in their make up amongst the dirt that is showing (RAD symptoms). Please take some time and go through these three posts to find your child’s personality and while you are there – find yours too. It will help everyone in the family understand each other better.

See you here again next week. God bless your week. Until next time…

Seeing Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DMA Gifting – Part Two

Seeing Past Your Child’s RAD to Their DNA Gifting

 

Intro:

Hi there! I write this blog because I like helping adoptive and foster families. My posts are intended to encourage and give real life examples of life with orphaned children. Please have a look at some of my posts.

My last post was about what is expressed in the title above and I shared about the prophetic gifts found in Rom. 12:6-8. I gave several personality traits that go along with this gift. Please check it out.

Today I am going to continue with the second, third and fourth gifts and the personality traits that go with them. The purpose is for you to see if your adopted or foster child has one or a combination of one or two of these gifts which make up their personality.

The second, third and fourth gifts are servant, teacher and exhorter (in that order). I will give strengths and weaknesses for each gift. Each gift also has blind spots.

 

Servant Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Wants to make people feel welcomed
  2. Sees external needs and wants to meet them and has a hard time saying no to helping others
  3. Are very practical
  4. Loves to be life-giving to others
  5. Wants to be behind the scenes and not in the spotlight
  6. Wants to be part of the team and is extremely loyal
  7. Wants clear instructions
  8. Remembers likes and dislikes of others
  9. Will do what others won’t step up to do
  10. Wants short term not open ended projects
  11. Attracts dishonor and shame especially from family
  12. Is competitive

Blindspots:

  1. Struggles to affirm themselves or receive affirmation from others. Repeatedly apologizes
  2. Makes excuses to justify bad behavior from others. Can be enablers. They spoil children by meeting too many needs.
  3. Struggles with shame and can believe they are a victim.
  4. Can become exhausted by meeting the needs of others.

 

Teacher Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Has a passion for truth. Needs to validate facts for themselves
  2. Wants first hand details
  3. Enjoys learning new things and sharing it with others
  4. Prefers old, established and validated ways
  5. Has a deep commitment to family and tradition
  6. Always is wary of deception. New truth is viewed initially with suspicion
  7. Processes slowly and avoids risk
  8. Tends to procrastinate in certain areas of their life
  9. Usually the last one to speak in a group
  10. Sense of humor and quick-witted
  11. Slows down impulsive people who jump to conclusions. Is not easily swayed from the truth
  12. Asks lots of questions, trying to establish the truth
  13. Doesn’t like to impose responsibility onto others which can lead to not confronting sin

Blindspot:

  1. The need to analyze and the endless questions can be tiresome and wearisome to others. They can feel not trusted
  2. Passion for knowledge and sharing knowledge can come across as intellectual superiority
  3. May seem passive because they give chance after chance
  4. Struggles with timeliness and responsibility in selective areas

 

Exhorter Gift Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. People oriented and has never met a stranger
  2. Get their energy from being with others
  3. Has a God given ability to love people
  4. Brings laughter into all situations
  5. Tactful and has dreams and vision on a big scale
  6. Excellent public speaker and uses stories to communicate to others – which is how they share wisdom
  7. Natural at evangelism
  8. Networks and teams with others well
  9. Is able to disagree without alienating others. Skilled at reconciliation
  10. Able to speak to people in a gracious way to bring them along
  11. Motivated by relationship, persuasion and approval of people
  12. Their schedule is full and has a commanding presence
  13. Can be perceived by others as being superficial or compensating because of their humor and ability to work the room
  14. The depth and wisdom in them is not always appreciated due to their light-heartedness

Blindsopts:

  1. Lacks discipline of time
  2. People pleasing and accommodating. May fail to confront because they don’t want to cause offense.
  3. May promise more than they intended
  4. Because of their big personality they can easily become the focus of attention

Conclusion:

        Come back next week for the last three spiritual DNA gifts. Ill wrap everything up having to do with this series of posts. Until then…

See Past Your Child’s RAD to their Gift – Part 1

Seeing Past Your Child’s Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to Their DNA Gifting – Part One:

Intro:

        Hello everyone! I am Laurie and I love to help families who are broken as a result of RAD symptoms from their adopted children. I didn’t have a clue when RAD invaded our family, but now I write this blog to help other families who are going through the shattering results of RAD. Please check out my other posts and you will understand what I mean.

My last post was about being a martyr vs. being a parent. It’s true, as parents we give unconditionally to our children but were not to do it in martyr mode. Please take a moment to read my last post.

Today I am going to write the first part of a three part series of posts. I want to lay the foundation in this first post. Then I will expand on the gifts listed in Rom. 12:6-8 to develop an understanding of the type of gifting (or personality) your child might have hidden behind their RAD.

 

Rom. 12:6-8:

Rom. 12:6-8 – “We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

 

There are seven gifts (personalities) in the verse above:

  1. Prophet
  2. Servant
  3. Teacher
  4. Encourager/Exhorter
  5. Giver
  6. Leader/Ruler
  7. Mercy

 

Each gifting, as I see it, is a personality type which has strengths and weaknesses. They all have different ways of looking at life. I am going to go through each gift (personality) and give the highlights. Most of the information for all three posts (in this series of posts) are taken from the Elizabeth and Sylvia Gunther “Free to be me” gift test booklet.

I understand RAD is magnified in our adopted children. But finding our child’s personality beyond the symptoms of RAD is necessary. Their personality helps them fit into what God created them to do on this planet.

I will go through the list above in numerical order and describe the gift (personality type). Hopefully the descriptions will help you recognize some personality traits your child has even if their RAD is raging. I will start my descriptions in this post and finish in the next two posts with a concludion at the end.

 

Prophet – Strengths, Weaknesses and Blindspots:

  1. Sees the patterns in life and often knows when they see something happening again like it has happened before
  2. Sees all situations in black or white. There is no middle ground. This can be a strength or a weakness depending on the situation
  3. Sees the big picture but not the process of steps to get there
  4. Can make a decision within ten seconds
  5. Faith comes easily
  6. Wants to know what is on Father God’s heart
  7. Wants to know what is over the next hill of life and where we’re going
  8. Likes to get projects off their plate – even doing an all-nighter in order to do it.
  9. Is independent in many ways
  10. Gains strength from alone time
  11. Likes to be in God’s presence
  12. Is a visionary with many ideas
  13. Is a natural born leader
  14. Is opinionated
  15. Hates maintaining the status quo
  16. Is intense and has the largest range of emotions

Blindspots:

  1. If not careful, they can damage relationships. They need to overlook others failures and weaknesses which can lead them into un-forgiveness and bitterness.
  2. Words and actions are stronger than they intend
  3. Passion and drive can turn into criticism, judgement and ingratitude

 

Conclusion:

        Next week I will post part two to this three part series of posts. I will share on the servant, teacher and exhorter. Please come back in order to discover your child’s gift (personality).

I would love to help so please leave a comment in the comment box. Ill be back here next week. Until then…

Finding Healing for Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)

Finding Healing for (RAD):

 

Intro:

I am Laurie and my destiny is to help parents of children with behavioral, foster and adoptive issues. It is what this blog is about. Please take some time and read some of my posts. They will be helpful.

My last post was about the difference between being a parent and a martyr. I talked about some clear lines between the two. I encourage you to read it.

Today I am going to talk about healing RAD. We are discovering some pretty awesome stuff and are seeing healing in the clients we are helping. So, I want to tell you about where we are located and how to get ahold of us.

 

Who are we?

         I am a Life Coach and my name is Laurie. I work in a facility called The Unleashed Healing Center. We do several forms of life coaching and inner healing. I do all the forms of life coaching and inner healing but my specialty is with parents of behavioral, foster and adoptive children.

In this specialty I have a ministry call Abba Father’s Love and it is a ministry of the Unleashed Healing Center. We are in the same building. Children clients are directed to me when parents call in for an appointment for their child.

 

Our Location:

The Unleashed Healing Center

845 Woodfield Court

Boardman, Ohio 44512

 

How to Connect:

Laurie@getrealliving.com

330-965-6000 (ask for Laurie)

What We Do:

We are seeing breakthroughs for the adopted RAD children clients. We help the parents heal too.

Much of the healing has to do with:

  1. Getting the RAD children to talk about their behaviors
  2. Dealing with generational issues
  3. Helping their hearts heal
  4. Helping them deal with the emotional trauma issues
  5. Doing family sessions
  6. Life coaching the RAD children on how to trust and love
  7. Life coaching the parents
  8. Helping the parents heal

 

What’s Happening:

Many breakthroughs are happening with our RAD clients. We are seeing:

  1. Broken hearts put back together
  2. Steps towards learning to trust
  3. Learning to love
  4. Connecting to others
  5. Acceptance of responsibility for how they have hurt others
  6. Communication of how they have been hurt
  7. Looking at the pain in their lives
  8. Healing the pain
  9. Allowing God in to protect them
  10. Seeing their birth parents through eyes of reality
  11. Learning the difference between boundaries and walls
  12. Learning there are those who can’t be trusted and are dangerous
  13. Choosing to change the RAD behaviors for behaviors that are appropriate and promote bonding
  14. Forgiveness towards the birth parents and their choices which have affected our clients lives negatively

 

Our Delight:

         It has been our delight to see the RAD children we are helping receive healing. Wendy (the lady that helps me in the sessions) and I are always amazed at the new discoveries we find with each client. It has been an incredible process and an honor get to know these children. Healing wonderfully changes the behaviors of these very hurt children. It is fun to see the real person (who is hiding inside them) revealed.

 

Conclusion:

         So, now you know more about us and we would like to know more about you. Think about what I shared above because maybe we can help you and your RAD child. Please leave a comment in the comment box or contact me at Laurie@getrealliving.com

I will be here to talk about more subjects next week. Hope you have a blessed week. Until then…

Being Adoptive Parents to Reactive Attachment Disorder RAD) Children – Not Martyrs

Being Adoptive Parents – Not Martyrs:

 

Intro:

Hi, I’m Laurie. I write this blog with a huge heart to help adoptive and foster families navigate through adoption issues. I know it is a difficult road at times and I have written helpful posts on many adoption subjects. Please have a look.

My last post was on the topics of emotional trauma and PTSD. Adoptive parents can develop PTSD as a result of their RAD child’s abusiveness. Please take a moment to read this post. If you or someone you know are dealing with PTSD – my last post will be helpful.

Maybe you don’t know what you are dealing with concerning your adopted child. Then my posts will be beneficial in the process of discovering what can happen in an adoptive family. Maybe you’ll find your answer.

Today I am going to talk about the subject of being a martyr vs. a parent. Read further to find out what I mean. Let’s build some boundaries of parenting.

 

Martyr definitions: (definition taken from my phone dictionary app.)

Martyr =

1)  One who makes a great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.

2)  One who endures great suffering

Parent =

1)  A person who adopts a child

2)  A guardian; a protector

3)  To act as a parent to; raise and nurture

 

We are Adoptive parents not Martyrs:

         I write this post in response to last week’s post. We as parents are not to accept behaviors from our RAD adopted children that cause us to live in PTSD or martyrdom. The disorder of RAD is our adopted child’s disorder and we did not cause them to be RAD. It is not our parental requirement to accept their blame, RAD symptoms or manipulative tactics. These issues are theirs only.

Parents, we are to be the very best parent to our adopted RAD children but there is a distinct difference between being a parent and being a martyr. Parenting is for preparing our children to go out into the world to be productive citizens to society. Being a martyr is so much more than parenting requires. RAD children demand sacrifices from parents that keep them fixated on themselves and this is never a good scenario.

It develops children who are narcissistic and demand chronic martyrdom from their parents. We do sacrificially give in some areas having to do with our time, talents and finances but I think we can all understand the difference of parenting and the martyrdom our narcissistic RAD children demand.

Being a martyr parent who sacrifices and suffers causes our adopted RAD children’s narcissism to strengthen into a disorder. The last thing our RAD child needs is another disorder. Our children need to learn and mature into taking responsibility for their own actions and life.

As our children grow, THEY need to put more effort into what they want than we do. They need to invest their time, talent and finances into their own future which is a sign of true maturity. This develops the ability to handle life and go after their own destiny with graditude.

I have seen too many parents revert to martyrdom (enduring great suffering and sacrificing) only to produce narcissism and selfishness in their adopted children. Above is the definition of being a parent. We are to raise, nurture, protect and guard our children. We are to give them all the love we have and bring them into maturity. We are not to suffer and sacrifice greatly to the point of martyrdom.

 

Conclusion:

If you want help with this subject could you please leave a comment in the comment box. I would love to help. I am glad to answer any question you have if I have the answer. Thanks!

If you would like some deeper help, I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Please leave a message and I will get back to you. Have a great week and I will have another post next week. Until then…

Adoptive Parents, Reactive Attachment, Disorder (RAD) and PTSD from Emotional Trauma

Adoptive Parents, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and PTSD:

 

Intro:

Hello – I am Laurie. My intention for this blog is to prompt discussion with adoptive parents who have behavioral, adopted and foster issues in their children. Please read some of my posts. I’m sure you’ll find them helpful.

My last post was focused on two RAD symptoms. These symptoms affect adoptive fathers and their faithfulness towards their wives. Please check it out.

I have recently read up on PTSD and its effects on adoptive parents. Today I am going to write on my perspective about this subject. I know it helped me understand the process of living with someone who has RAD which causes PTSD to developing in the adoptive parents.

 

PTSD: (definition found on my dictionary app on my phone)

         PTSD = Post-traumatic stress disorder – an anxiety disorder associated with serious traumatic events and characterized by such symptoms as survival guilt, reliving the trauma in dreams, numbness and lack of involvement with reality, or recurrent thoughts and images.

 

Adoptive Parents of RAD Children and Emotional Trauma Causing PTSD:

         Last year I found some research which showed fourteen things everyone should know about emotional trauma. One of the fourteen things is PTSD. I have since done some added research and have found adoptive parents can develop PTSD as a result of living with the constant emotional trauma of RAD from their adopted child. It makes sense when it takes four to six weeks of being in a trauma situation to develop this disorder. So, let’s revisit research I found last year. (See below)

 

Definition of Emotional Trauma: Trauma is a shock or severe distress from experiencing a disastrous event outside the range of usual experience (such as rape or military combat). Any wrenching or distressing experience, especially one causing a disturbance in normal functioning. A powerful shock that may have long-lasting effects.

 

14 Things Everyone Should Know About Emotional Trauma:

1)  The traumatized person is in thought about the trauma events regularly

2)  They worry about what is going to happen next

3)  Traumatizing situations longer than four to six weeks can produce PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

4)  Trauma doesn’t always mean violence – for example: divorce, being bullied, a move or being overscheduled can cause emotional trauma

5)  It can cause insomnia, nightmares, or a racing heartbeat

6)  The person can feel disconnected or numb

7)  They can have a hard time learning or concentrating when stressed

8)  Trauma causes emotional shattering to the heart

9)  It can cause anger, irritability, sadness, mood swings, hopelessness chest pains and fatigue

10)              The person lives in guilt, shame and self-blame

11)              They withdraw from others

12)              Trauma can cause a person to trigger to noise, smells, etc.

13)              It causes the person to startle easily

14)              They live in fear, anxiety and/or terror

 

Do You Have These Symptoms?

         If you feel you have the above symptoms of triggering to noises, sounds, smells, etc., there is a chance you have PTSD. This may be due to living with your adopted RAD child’s symptoms longer than four to six weeks. RAD causes such upheaval in the home and emotional trauma to the adoptive parents. Maybe you can get some help if you relate to the symptoms.

If you do want help, find a specialist in your area who has worked with PTSD and has had success bringing healing. If you can’t find someone then maybe I can help. In the life coaching center I work at we have had success helping PTSD victims and we would love to help you. I can be reached at Laurie@getrealliving.com Contact me and we can talk about how to set up sessions for you.

 

Conclusion:

         Well, that is all for today. Hope you were encouraged and if this doesn’t directly pertain to you maybe you could refer someone to us that can use our help. Blessing and have a great week! Until next time…

Adoptive Father Faithfulness When Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Children are at Work

Adoptive Father Faithfulness When Reactive Attachment Disorder Children are at Work:

        

Intro:

Hello everyone! I am here with another post to encourage adoptive and foster families. Please take a little time to read some of my posts. They are intended to help the families of behavioral, foster and adopted children who have issues.

My last post was for the parents of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) children when it comes to summer and needing a break. Summers can be very challenging especially for the adoptive mother. Please check my last post out.

Today I am going to specifically talk to adoptive fathers. I want to talk about RAD symptoms and how they affect everyone in the family. My heart is to bring some light to a couple of the RAD symptoms and how they relate directly to adoptive fathers.

 

I Hear This Over and Over:

         I’m not going to mince any words in this post. Adoptive mothers share (in my support groups) how the adoptive fathers are wrapped around their adopted RAD child’s finger to the point the adoptive mother is taken out of the place and role she is to have in the home. Adopted Fathers wake up!!

Two of the symptoms of RAD are:

  1. The adopted RAD child has charming behavior in public and with the adoptive father and is the total opposite at home with the adoptive mother
  2. The adopted RAD child triangulates

Take some time and look into the symptoms of RAD on line. You will find quite a list of them. This will bring understanding to all of the behaviors you are witnessing in your adopted RAD child.

 

Charming Behavior:

Fathers please watch your RAD adopted children in public. They will put on such an act of sweetness. I know because my husband and I would have parents from other tables at a restaurant come over and tell us how well behaved and sweet our two adopted RAD children were. I would almost fall off my chair.

If you watch – your children will target you (fathers) and do the same to you. They want to get you to believe your wife is against them and they need your help because they are so helpless. They know if they get you on their side against your wife it won’t be long till there is a divorce and their “competition” is gone. Then they will be King or Queen of the house. Then you want to watch your back.

 

Triangulating:

Triangulation is when your adopted RAD child will try and divide you and your wife on issues. They want the two of you to have opposing views. OR they want to get your wife out of the house so they can move into the role your wife is supposed to have. Sometimes they want your wife to die or want to kill her. Other times they want you to think your wife is crazy.

 

Adoptive Fathers:

In the support groups I lead I regularly hear about how easily the fathers are manipulated and controlled by the adopted child. The mothers are so frustrated and say they are being cheated not only out of the God given role of mother but out of the protection and relationship they used to have with their husbands!

Father’s, as you research the effects of RAD symptoms also research the rate of divorce in a family whose children are adopted and have RAD. The statistics are astounding and I don’t want your family to be a statistic. That would be ridiculous especially if it could have been avoided.

 

Conclusion:

Fathers please get involved for the good of the whole family. Come back to the place of true faithfulness pertaining to being your wife’s friend, lover and confidant. Then get the help your children need.

This is all for today. I hope this post triggers some good conversations between adoptive parents. See you here again next week. Until then…

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